Too much on my brain..

This will be a bit more free-write than my usual stuff.

I feel on some levels like I'm being electrified.  On edge, jumpy, bouncy, zappy.  Easily frustrated.  Overwhelmed, in some ways, good and bad.  I feel the washing of good and bad over me, and while I am comfortable, I am also in other ways close to the edge. Edge of what? I don't know.  A freak-out, a writing frenzy, a break. Me time.  Movement forward, always forward.

That's what life is about, really.  We act like we're hot shit because we're HUMANS, right..  We are the kings of the planet.  We took it over, made it our own, and animals live because we let them or some crap, right?

Well..  Take a step back, suspend your beliefs for a moment and try to follow my train of thought here.

Everything you are, all your blood, organs, veins, muscle, fat, skin, bone, tissue, is made up of particles so small you can't quickly conceive of it.  There is more space in you that is empty than all of you.  All those electrons, protons, neutrons, quarks...  All vibrating, moving, bouncing, never still.  What would happen if they were all still? If they just worked together like we perceive machines to?  What would that do to us?

All those tiny, miniature particles, the building blocks of EXISTENCE, and we are it.  We are the only intelligent life we know of.  In this paragraph I mean in the known universe, we are the ONLY planet we have found with provable life on it, let alone as advanced as we are.

What are we? What is existence?  So many particles you can't conceive of them, so many atoms you can't fully contemplate the vastness of them, all for the most part working in tandem.  I mean,  theoretically, we could cease to exist, right?  I read an article recently that stated that approximately 98% of your atoms are gone within 2 years, replaced by others.  98% of YOU disappears and is replaced by something else.  (If this is true..  If it's not, it's still a cool idea to think about.)

Existence as we know it is all those particles working together.  The current theory is that all of everything was once condense to one finite place, right?  One spot. BAM.  And then it erupted outward, and eventually began forming stuff.  And the atoms agree for the most part to stick with the program and go with the flow.  How does that work? I have no fucking clue but it's cool as hell to think about, isn't it??

I for one don't know how that program works.  but I'm glad it does.  All your brain waves, all your thoughts, all your actions, the way your muscles move, the fact that your organs work the way they do,  all the things you probably don't think of most of the time, couldn't work without those building blocks all working in tandem.  So as odd as it may sound, I am going to take a moment to thank the atoms that make me up. I am going to thank the matter that I perceive as myself for working together for me, and for the rest of life on this planet.

Thank you.

Everything we experience on this planet, it's due to what, 14.6 billion years, I think?  Was it lightyears or years? Does it matter?  It's way bigger than us, that's for sure.  All of that, to create all the planets and galaxies and suns and black holes and wormholes and asteroids and WHATEVER that we can't even see, and we. are. it.

For all we know, we are the *only* intelligent life out there.  And right now we're still fighting over the magic man in the sky, or lines in the dirt.  We are it.  What if all those atoms working together to build something capable of what we conceive of as thought, to be able to communicate together, what if we are meant to do something, as a species? I don't know what. Live. Exist.  Share, connect, grow, just as the atoms that make us up do, as the systems in our own planet do.

That is what makes me so immeasurably sad.  The concept that people who hate each other and want to kill each other over things like loving someone with the same genitals, or driving in front of them on the road, or liking a different team of people in bright colored jerseys tackling each other over a ball.

We live on this gorgeous, beautiful planet, in this amazing universe, and we are so obsessed with iPads and the X-Box.  Don't get me wrong, I love gaming as much as the next person, but there is so much more to life than the things like that.  I wonder in some ways if we are on the brink of a great moment in history, human history and otherwise, and we have a choice to make.  Do we work together, or destroy ourselves, and look like a bunch of bratty kids for eternity, if there are other races that find out about us later?

Live the best for you, for the ones you love.  Be happy with your life, if you can, or at least try to be, because the fact that you are alive and can read and understand this is amazing.

I love you, fellow human-bodied fleshbag.  <3

Judgment of Girls

This has been on my mind lately, because of all the hate being spewed everywhere by the GOP.  You don't have to agree with my point of view, that is your perogative.  But I want to share something, and get this off my chest.

We act like we are such a civilized country.  We really do. We act like we are so far advanced, and we try to ignore things that happened only a hundred years ago, five hundred.  It's easier that way, right?  Just pretend it didn't happen.  La ti da, live your life, ignore it.  The thing is, we as a species have not changed that much. We haven't.  There are still people on this planet who crap in the bushes because there are no toilets.  There are people who die because there is no clean water.  There are children being married off to each other or to adults.  There is still sexual slavery, and other slavery throughout the world.

These things are still fucking happening.  You know what else is, that's sickening to me?  Shows like "16 and pregnant" and the weird toddler shows where people primp their kids up and practically pimp them out.  What sickens me more about that is the judgment that comes along with it.  Here's the thing, though..  and this is reality, whether or not you choose to admit it. Every single one of us, every single human on this planet has done something terrible, stupid, made a mistake.  Some people in our country don't necessarily realize it, or they live off it.  And that's sad.  But what is more sad to me is people judging others without recognizing the fact that we are all people on this planet.

Mind you, I don't watch TV.  It sickens me, honestly..  It utterly disgusts me.  The fact that people would rather sit in front of a TV chowing down on cheetos and whatever else while watching Jersey Shore, and allow their mind to rot because they just don't care.. It makes me sad. So to be honest, I haven't seen these shows. But I can tell you one thing, our society is rotting a bit too, in some ways.  Oh, yeah.  Women have the right to vote. Interracial marriages are no big deal anymore.  But wasn't it like half a century ago people were getting HANGED for it?

Now, people are still getting hanged. Judged, condemned.  All those girls on 16 and pregnant, and whatever else...  What really gets me though with this is that one of my closest, oldest friends had a baby when she was 13.  We lived in a small-ish area.. Her town was tinier than mine.  She made a mistake, and had a baby. You might say she could have had an abortion, I'm sure several of you think she should have.  But she doesn't believe in them and that is her prerogative.  So, she knew she wouldn't be able to do anything for him, so she gave him up for adoption.  And I was there.

I saw how it ate her alive.  I couldn't do much, I just held her.  And I mourned with her because it irrecovably changed her body, it created many other problems for her due to depression and other stuff, and she got judged for it.  She did what she could for that baby, and that wasn't enough for people. She made a mistake, and they wouldn't let it go.  She's a beautiful person, a wonderful, beautiful soul and it still hurts her to this day.  And this isn't a story that just happened to her, it's happened to many other people.

We live in a society that likes to expect perfection, and condemn reality. Everybody fucks up. Everybody under the fucking Sun. THAT is reality.  Reality is making mistakes.  Reality is the fact that some people learn from them after it happens once, some people it takes more time.  Reality is the fact that people do not have to live by your standards, or anyone else, because this is life.  This is humanity.

We live in a society where girls are held to higher standards than boys in terms of expected perfection.  The makeup, the hair, the obsession with beauty.  The expectations of making no mistakes.  We see it on every level of society, from the poor to the rich.. The only difference is that with the rich more people find out about it, and they're often at least legally forgiven for the bigger "mistakes" if they throw money at the problem.

But until such a time when we can accept the fact that people fuck up, we will not move forward as a species.  That is a simple fact.  We stand a few steps higher than those who don't have access to baths or showers, and we judge them in our own country for it.  In our own fucking country.  If people don't have access to it in other countries, we tend to ignore the problem, or kind of distantly think "that's sad".  But in our own country, it's a different matter.  It's distasteful.  People want to avoid it more.  And it sickens me, it really fucking sickens me that we expect people to live to such high standards, when every single one of us has made some stupid, tragic mistake.

Gah.

My Rape was Legitimate, Too.

My name is Katrina.  The second time I moved to Portland, I was homeless.  This was just before I met my husband, for my friends to understand the timing.  Actually, literally right before.  Anyway, I was a stranger in a strange city. My first night homeless, I was shown a place to sleep by a questionable character.  I woke up at 1 am to find him sitting up with his backpack dumped all over his lap.  I can't even guesstimate the amount of pill bottles and syringes he had.  I quietly laid back and stared up at the sky, and realized just how scary the world I am in really is.

I got about 4 hours of sleep that night.  Packed up my stuff, and I took off at 5 am. As soon as the sky showed signs of lightening.  I made a "Free hugs" sign because that freaked me out so badly I needed some form of comfort.  Later in the day, in my random wanderings, I ran into a guy.  He seemed really nice- he was very charming.  I don't remember his name.  He was taller than me, about 6' and didn't seem that threatening- as stupid as it sounds, he was wearing a polo shirt.  This was the day I'd learn looks can be deceiving.

He said he'd show me where I could get some dinner and asked if I wanted to go hang out and drink some "Four Loko's" later.  I grew up in Upstate New York.. I had never heard of them.  They sounded weird, but interesting, and though I don't drink I decided sure, I need a friend.. This guy seems nice enough, right?

Wrong.  He took me to the Rescue Mission for dinner, where there were people crowded at every table and it was served cafeteria style.  I saw people who had been homeless for years, it was almost entirely men.  It was unnerving, but I made it through.  We went across the river to "find the spot" to drink, and slipped into a crack in the fence by one of the Hotels on the East side of the river.  An alarm bell went off in my head, and I got a bit paranoid, but he got a little impatient so I went ahead.  We were sitting less than 5 feet from the freeway in these weird trimmed up bushes, and there was a giant building right next to us.  He opened one of the four loko's and offered some to me.  I don't drink, so I didn't drink much of either of the two, I drank maybe altogether half of one, probably not even that.  I started to feel really weird, like time was distorting and my head was heavy.

I don't think he drugged me, to be honest with you, I have a really nasty reaction to alcohol anyway.  I feel like, dead inside or something when I drink, like my body is just this puppet thing I'm attached to.  Freaking weird, to say the least.  Note, I don't drink enough that I realized that that'd happen to me.  Anyway after only a few drinks I started to feel weird then realized hey, shit, I am alone with this guy.  No one knows where I am. I know where I am.  Okay.  Stop drinking.  So I did.  I think I might have accidentally told him I was feeling weird.  He definitely noticed when it was time to stand up, I needed help standing.

He helped me get to the nearest Wendy's, but I don't remember how we got there. I apparently had already started blacking out.  (I hadn't eaten anything but that small dinner at the Mission)


When we got there the depression hit- there's a reason I never drink, I don't like it.  I just wanted to be social.  I was miserable, queasy, felt gross..  All I remember is him asking where I had money and I didn't want to tell him my wallet, where I had some twenties, so I told him about the change in the backpack, where I had about 10 bucks in quarters or something.  He went up to the counter and got me a drink and a small burger and made me eat.  Not like, angrily forced me, he was actually really nice about it.  Then he said something about asking if I had anywhere to sleep that night and I said no, so he said he'd let me "sleep it off on his couch".


****TRIGGER WARNING***
Right.  I remember very, very vaguely following him in the rain, just watching his feet in the dim light the streetlights emitted, and following him through puddles.  By the time we got there I was soaked, and miserable.  I don't remember most of it.  I only remember maybe 5 minutes of the trip.  He opened up the door to this old van thing, like the kind carpenters or people like that use who fix up houses?  Then he said I needed to get my wet pants off and get warm, so I did.  He still hadn't done anything threatening.  So I huddled there and I think he talked my ear off for about twenty minutes and I fell asleep.  That's when it began.

I woke up to him inside me.  This still makes me feel sick, though it happened in 2010.  I woke up to a big shape over me, and he was already having sex with me.  I don't know how long he had been, because I felt slimy down there, and had a vague memory of something to do with saliva to make me wetter or something. I don't know, it makes me want to puke.  It was terrifying. It was pitch black, so to my terrified half-awake mind he looked like a demon.  It seemed to go on and on and I felt like I was covered in slime (though I wasn't) and totally disgusted.  I asked "What... What's going on?"  "What are you doing"  "Please stop, I want to sleep.."

"Just one more minute.."  It lasted longer.  Finally with me crying and freaking out he sighed and laid down next to me.  I rolled over away from him.  It was too dark and I was too scared to even THINK about putting clothes on, it didn't even occur to me that I could have until the next day.  I stared at nothing in that dark cluttered van, eyes wide open, trying to calm down and go to sleep.  Then I felt his hand between my legs.  I kept saying for I don't even know how long "I just want to sleep.." "Please let me sleep"

The next day I definitely felt violated.  I felt like flames between my legs and NOT in a pleasant way.  I woke up and couldn't find my clothes because the alcohol had hit me so hard the night before. He grabbed them for me and when I would have taken off said he'd show me to the MAX.

MAX?  What the hell?  I got outside and was hit even harder by terror of how badly it could have gone. It was terrifying enough but apparently whatever the hell a "Four loko" was, I *hadn't even remembered a 45 minute train ride*.

I had no clue where I was. The city was nowhere in sight. I was tense, quiet as he led me past a college campus I didn't recognize, and to the max station.  He asked if I needed a ticket, I said I was fine, and he left.  That's when I remembered something he'd said while I was drunk the night before.  He'd talked about being an ex con and having an ex girlfriend and a kid.  It hadn't registered.  I shuddered all over, thinking about how much worse it could have been.

I met my husband that day.  I don't remember if it was that day or the next or a week later but I tentatively confided in him (He was just a friend at the time) about feeling like I was burning. I had a urinary tract infection.  When I went in to the Outside In clinic, they asked if I wanted to talk to someone about it.  I said sure, but it never happened.  They asked if I wanted to be tested for STD's and I said yes, and was terrified that I was.  Thankfully, it was just a nasty urinary tract infection that lasted 3 weeks.  This was a rape, too.  Even if you have a rape happen for you, you DO NOT and CAN NOT speak for other people who have.

Making decisions for people who've been raped amplifies that feeling.  You don't have the right.

The First Step..

The first step is always the hardest.  But first, let me backtrack and explain what I'm talking about, here.

I have an avoidance problem. And I don't mean a nice little oh I'm just going to avoid x situation.. I avoid REALITY.  I avoid LIFE.  Why? Because it's too much for me sometimes.  I don't know why.  I honestly wish I did. Or maybe I do know, and the answers hurt too much for me to want to face them yet.  But I do know that my methods have changed. When I was growing up you could always find my nose buried in a book.  Always.  During class, everything. Fun fact? I almost flunked out of high school because I was reading too much.  Not their books.  More interesting ones.

But that's not my point here.  I created worlds in my mind more fascinating to me than this one.  I lived in my own head when books no longer worked, and frankly I went a bit crazy.  Thankfully I snapped out of it with help but I had already found my newest obsession/secondary womb.  The internet. At first I roleplayed and then I went to writing.com to get the excess creativity out of my head. I just wanted some of it gone, you see, some of the noise in my mind from all the thoughts and stuff.

Well, that didn't work out.  I'm not going in chronological order here, I apologize.  I first met the internet probably in like 7th grade. It went from there.  I was on myspace for a while, and I updated my status and did the little bulletin surveys like a good little girl. I eventually made a new page, and I always blogged a lot.  But I wasn't really connecting to other people.  I only connected with a handful, who helped me through the nastiest phase in my mental transition.

When I say I went crazy, I won't go into details but it wasn't pretty. Not pretty at all.  One of those who was as bad off as me back then, he contacted me about a year ago.  I wasn't sure what to make of it, he was in a way my "enemy" for a short time.  But I came to discover that he was a calm, gentle young man now and very wise.  I became attached. He passed away in February, or early March (my sense of time is terrible) and it shook me. I never met him offline, but he had an impact on me.  He was a beacon of light during the time I was most stressed and worried.  He was a lovely gentlemen, gay, and his boyfriend added me as well I think after he passed..

I'm avoiding the subject at hand.  I have an internet addiction.  I'm aware of this.  It's my safety net. I don't know how to handle people in person.  People are scary, and you can never tell what they're going to do.  I have also noticed that for me at least it's easier to be totally honest in person because people don't care. It's just the internet, right? so I can be more honest and meet people who suit me better.  Unless they're lying, which has happened.

I have an addiction to those stupid little facebook games, and frankly it pisses me off. I don't really like them. I really don't.  I know they're empty fluff designed to keep you hungry for more of a false sense of achievement..  And that irritates me.  But I find myself going back to them time and again.  Just like I find myself staying up late at night checking on my facebook, because "What if something happened?"

-_-  Seriously, brain? It is a website.  It is the internet.  I care about the people on it.  I need to learn to communicate externally from a website whose sole point is to get people to be on it all day.  Facebook is not my life.

The first step is the hardest, right? Last night I didn't check my facebook before bed.  I'd left it alone for 2 hours and *didn't check it*.  This morning I wanted to post this as a status but changed my mind. Now, NOW I will check on those 28 notifications.

Top Freedom

I just realized I haven't posted a blog about top freedom for women!
EGADS!
Time to correct that.

We all know I am a pretty liberal person.  It's obvious. I also support top freedom for women and have for a decade.. and I am sick of the social stigmas attached to "toplessness" in women. I am sick of the bullshit lies people put on it. Here are just a few.

She's an attention whore.So, she's an attention whore for raising awareness that it is legal(or should be) for women to have the same bodily rights as men? If men can walk around shirtless on a 90+ degree day, why can't women? Because we are trained to think of it as sexual, private.  We were born without clothes. I'm not saying we should all walk around naked (ewwwwwwww... Penises and vaginal folds o.O;) But really though? Breasts are breasts. Both have two nipples, one set is sometimes hairy. That's the only. freaking. difference.

For a woman to choose to exercise her right to walk around with nothing hiding her away from the world is not her way of saying LOOK AT ME, AND HOW HOT I AM or whatever.. It's more a statement of "This is me. Quit thinking in such restricted, childish tones."

You see, I have something to say about society, sheeple, and essentially being brainwashed. Nature Vs Nurture has a lot to do with how we think about things- and nurture has more to do with how we perceive different things in social situations.  We have been trained over time to think of the following as part of a "Civilized world"-  Covering and/or accentuating the breasts ad rear end, covering it up because it is "naughty".  There are layers upon layers of societal rules, socially regimented actions, so many tiny little things keeping us in our "proper place".  It's absurd, and cheapens us.

To believe that our bodies are just for sex, that our breasts are just there to appeal to males and make them horny cheapens us- not just females, but males as well. For, if males are really so bloody simple-minded that they cannot just see a pair of breasts and appreciate it without wanting to jump over whatever is between them and rape the woman, there is something wrong with our society.

Women have been held on a really awkward pedestal for a very long time. We must find stasis between being sexual creatures (which is odd for those of us who don't experience sexual desire), and being "socially acceptable".  We must please men. Yeah. You read me, that's exactly what this is all about. It's not for women, for our protection or peace of mind. It is for men, and men alone. The fact that women have been trained to view their own bodies as something to be hidden at all costs is depressing.


See, I am of the opinion that human existence is not all about sex. Maybe that's because I am weird, or because I am asexual, but frankly to be told that my body is only here to provide sexual stimulus to another person is absurd. It hosts my brain, which is a very powerful machine. It contains my personality, and provides the ability to carry me from place to place. My breasts are here both for my own joy (Oh come on? Squishy things on my chest? I pat them like drums when I'm thinking. Judge me all you want!) and for my child's nutrition.

A woman choosing to not wear a shirt to make a social statement is no different than someone carrying a sign in a march, aside from the fact that they are just using the most natural "tools" we have- our body.  It is the only thing we are born with. It has nothing to do with "lookitmahtits". Mkay? Mkay. Now that we have THAT settled...


"IT'S DAMAGING TO YOUNG CHILDREN!"

Really??  You know what was damaging to me? Being trained to view my own body as bad. Being told that things are "bad" and "naughty" and being taught to hide myself away.

Kids are smart.  And kids don't tend to get horny upon seeing breasts. Kids don't attach the same lustful thoughts adults do. Parents think kids know things they don't, and end up messing kids up by being afraid of them being "negatively affected"

What am I talking about?  Kids hear lyrics and repeat them, and get in trouble for it.  They learn that sex is BAD and that anything associated with sex is BAD and it ends up becoming repressed issues later in life, all because parents are afraid the child will have sex too early and get pregnant.  A kid seeing a pair of breasts is not going to damage them. You know what messed me up the most? Feeling like I wasn't equal to the boys I knew because when I was like 6-8 I couldn't take my shirt off. I'm sick of people being held to different standards due to their external organs.

And worst... "She's asking to get raped!"/"Oh, as soon as someone responds sexually AS THEY RIGHTLY SHOULD, she's going to whine about sexual harassment"

Seriously?  I don't even know where to start with this one. Oh, I know! First of all, even if I were to address the sexist idea that a woman is asking to get raped because she is expressing the same right to not wear a shirt on a hot day, people would immediately follow it up with the bigger problem- that rape is not taken seriously in our culture.  I can't tell you the amount of times I have heard people say men can't be raped because they always want sex. A) that's absurd. and b) it's extremely insulting to both genders, yet again, to have the stupid thoughts we have about rape and sexism in rape. 

Men can't be raped because they always want sex with an attractive female? Really?? -_-

Now, to the other problem- this is yet again, surprise surprise, a double edged sword for women. If women DON'T want sex, we are either a prude, or a tease, or lying. If we DO, we are a slut and "asking for it".  If a woman wears attractive colors, or tight clothes, and says she was raped, people have immediately jumped to the conclusion that she was a tease but did'nt stop it in time or deserved it.

So it's OKAY to rape people based on their appearance? Ahh, that makes so much sense to me now, thanks for the update!



Seriously. I will be doing this this summer, and I don't care what people say, I am not doing it to mess with children or turn people on.

Police Brutality

This is an entirely opinion oriented blog(as all mine are...) and as such you are entitled to disagree with parts or all of it. Just gotta get some things off my mind.

So far since Occupy's inception we have seen a vast multitude of police abuses across the board, and a very diverse assembly of reactions to such.  From the old woman in Seattle who was pepper sprayed, to the now Pepper Spray Cop meme from the guy in Oakland who acted as if the protestors were not even human, to the beatings in every city (The Marine who was beaten in Oakland I believe it was, a woman who almost had a broken neck from something hitting her in the jaw/neck so hard, a 15 year old here in Portland's been brutalized more than once, a woman I know was grabbed by the hair, the list goes on and on) we have seen pain.

It's not nearly over yet. Judging from the past protests, all the way back to the 60's, those "in charge" have always answered any kind of uprising(Not even necessarily a threat to their way of life, just people using their first amendment right to say their piece) with violence.  In rare cases, perhaps I'm wrong. But more often than not, I'm right in this.

I'm here to say that, obviously, that's not right. I will get a bit more opinionated then go back to the point, so give me a chance and keep reading, please.

I am pretty strong in my "hippie views", though I don't like labeling myself. I don't like that I am labeled as an American because I happened to be born here. I don't like that due to that label, I need to pay taxes that are not used for things I agree with, and that I need to abide by rules other people who have never met me made.  Some of them make sense to me, others just seem arbitrary at best.

I find it disgusting that the rights we were "Given" in this country upon its inception, the rights the original people who moved here chose to uphold because the were being ignored in Europe are now being ignored and twisted by our own government. We are becoming a fascist nation, with the only differece being we don't have one specific dictator. In a way, I wonder if this is not worse.

We are becoming bound up in our own contract, in our own laws, tied into knots around our ankles and wrists, the wording twisted to suit those in power.

I have a serious problem with the fact that without a petition, aka approval, a group cannot march for whatever purpose without the fear of police brutality just because those in power don't like to hear criticisms.


No. I will not be quiet about the fact that I am afraid to march, to make my opinion known for fear of my son's safety. An infant, 4 months old. The fact that we the people have come to accept this as a matter of course is disturbing indeed.


Because once you accept it as a necessary evil, it's that much harder to change.


I shouldn't be afraid to voice my opinions, and take my son along in a baby backpack. These are our rights we are talking about.  It's a deeper issue in my opinion than just cops hitting people (which is terrible enough), but more a matter of us being silenced effectively in a way that goes against the very Constitution our laws are based on.

But I'm not kidding myself. Things are going to get worse, not better. This is a fight that will not be won easily.  There may even be deaths. People are angry, and people are getting confused, mixed signals.

Some who are not protesting have been fed propaganda to such a degree that they've grown accustomed to thinking of Protestors as people who are "disturbing the peace".  The thing is, the peace is a lie- it is already disturbed, it's just hiding under a thin veneer of "Everything is okay".

Even if protestors were "Disturbing the peace", it is our right to take up problems we have with our government. If the Government no longer works in your favor, make a new Government- but that's not so possible these days, is it?


I am positive the violence will escalate. And that bothers me.  I'll protest, in my way, but the fact that I can't be on the street for the fear of the safety of my child is a very strong sign that something is wrong.

Sexuality vs Sexuality

Yep, I'm doing it again. Another weird one... Sorta.

Now, I have a different spin on the entire thing, being asexual. For those who haven't read the earlier blogs, yes, I identify as asexual. I don't feel sexual desire. I don't want sex. Sex is boring. Yes, I'm married. Yes, I have a kid. That does not mean I am someone who likes or wants sex, it means I love my husband.

Sexuality has more than one meaning, and as our culture is very sex-obsessed, I thought I'd address how I see people who exude "sex appeal". Hell, I can feel sexy, or something similar, too, and I don't want sex. They have nothing to do with one another. The idea for this blog came to me after seeing the new Repo: The Genetic Opera, from the character the Graverobber.

I realized last night that I caught myself calling him sexy, though that wasn't what I meant. I just don't know the vocabulary for what I am referring to.  There are certain traits that when put together draw me in.  I call it "sexy" but what I really mean is not "you're gorgeous, I would love to sleep with that man/woman", but "You are a beautiful character (real person or fictional) who has a personality I am attracted to, I would love to give you a huge hug and talk for hours, you'd be awesome to hang out with."

A bit more wordy, huh?

I feel this in varying degrees for different people. I feel it a lot for my husband, with an added kick of "I can't imagine my life without you in it, and your penis is kind of cute..." as opposed to OH GOD, WHAT IS THAT THING??? (I feel the same way toward vaginas, but I haven't seen any but my own up close.)

In all seriousness though (And sorry if I embarrassed you, honey <3), I don't differentiate love.  Perhaps my brain chemistry is confused between affection and curiosity. I don't know.  But, yeah, there's that.

I can see body art (usually full body body paint) photos and find it beautiful, but porn makes me want to vomit. It takes the beauty away from the human body and diminishes it into a short, totally focused act of two people grunting and humping for a few minutes. Oh yeah, gorgeous.

Sorry, no one ever looks good in porn. In my experience someone is always getting dominated, and thus it seems less about what (I imagine) sex is about, than momentary pleasure you could get yourself from a toy or your hand. Frankly, I don't get why people watch it.

That's weird enough, right? Hold on to your panties, kids, I'm not nearly done yet.


Next, is something even weirder.  Yeah, I know! I'm like Queen Weird of Castle Crazy.
But really...


I can feel gorgeous. Sexy(kinda?)  I like the idea of doing amazing photos, nude and not. Nudity is not sexual, at least to me. It's part of who I am. The clothes I wear I put on sometimes for me, more often because sadly our culture is so hypersexualized if I were to go topless people would stare in shock.

I like that power, kinda. Not to the point where I want to get famous for it, or get attention all the time, but sometimes it's fun to surprise people.

But, yeah.  I see things from an entirely different point of view. Someone can be sexy, but not make you want to have sex.... right? Or am I wrong?

I don't even know, and that's why I blog.


Thank you for reading. It means a lot to me <3

Corporate Wars update

So, I have hit 20,000 words as of today :) Kendra has said she will help me with the artwork. At 50,000 words I am going to start a fundraiser on kickstarter.com for it.

Here is the rundown of the costs I'm looking at.

540 for a banner ad on the top of the page of in5d.com, a website Kendra pointed me to. It fits my demographic, so that's not a bad idea. I'm also going to do some CPC (Cost per Click) ads on FB for 3 months. They give you a "daily limit" and a price per click, you get to choose both. I am thinking 10 cents per click, with 10 dollars a day- that's 100 clicks a day.

10 dollars a day times, say, 45 days is 450$. I am also going to self publish 50 actual books. 40 people who donate more than 100$ will get one.

A website for myself as an author will cost 10$. Some costs will go to Kendra for doing art for me and helping with my website.

Anything left over will get funneled into marketing or books.

Here's a rough idea of how the funding will go:

1+ dollars- you get a copy of the ebook.
10+ dollars- you get a mention in the ebook and an ebook
25+ dollars- mention in the ebook, a shout out in my blog, and an ebook
50+- character cameo- your character is seated on a bench or something, and gets a conversation.
100+ gets you a physical book
200+ gets you a physically signed book
300+ maybe custom designed artwork by Kendra
500+ full blown character in my next book
800+ gets you a character in TWO books, a crossover maybe (depending on the stories)
1500+ gets me coming to meet you(in the US) and a photo, meet up, thank you, and if I get famous you have my number :P Hahaha. But seriously, a photo, maybe eat at a restaurant together, and you can come to some awesome event when I'm famous :)

Anything above 250 gets a personal email thank you from me, not copy pasted.
Anything over 500 gets a permanent thank you on my website(in a page dedicated to thanks to people who deserve it)


Again, Corporate Wars is a book set in the future(about 150+ years out) where Corporations own people. In the City the three Corporations are at war with one another, and use people as pawns. If you owe money, they can send you to the Farm for at least a decade. But a Resistance is rising...

^_^ Hey, nothing happens unless you try.

Medical Marijuana/Legalize Marijuana

Notes for the reader: Yes, I have smoked before. No, I have never been a "pothead" though I did self-medicate while at the most stressful point of my life to keep me going. (Social anxiety+retail... ouch) No, I have not smoked in over a year, and am not intending to until Aedric is at least done breastfeeding, and I won't do it around him. I don't smoke a lot, period. I don't like being stoned all the time.

Now, first of all, marijuana is not a "gateway drug".  That's blaming a scapegoat, and it's also not a *drug* it's a plant that's gone through a specific drying procedure. I will admit, I don't know how that part works. What I do know though is that it is natural and has been proven to have many, many benefits, and no signs of cancer etc in daily smokers (Up to a joint a day, which is *POTENT*.)

Now, let's get down to business. The war on drugs has thus far this year spent over 15 billion (that's a b... And since we are so used to these dickwads throwing money around, that is $15,500,000,000.00 on the drug war. So. Far. This. Year.  Really???)   The average rate is about 500 dollars a second. 

Over 626,000 people this year have been arrested for drugs. About one every 19 seconds.

Mind you, that's anything from having a joint to selling one, etc.

An American is arrested for cannabis every 30 seconds. Approximately 89% are arrested for possession only.

Seriously? It's a freaking PLANT, people.  The drug war in Mexico's been raging for 6 years. The drug cartels even kill government officials, along with anyone that pisses them off, basically.


Did you know that between 49 and 70 people were dumped on a highway 75 miles away from Texas, with their heads, hands and feet cut off? They can't give an exact number until they get the bodies sorted out.

That is fucked. up. Marijuana should be legalized. I don't think people should do drugs, or if they do they should be allowed to do them ONLY where they cannot harm other people. Now, let's see some facts, kay?

-Alcohol impairs your vision and your ability to drive, operate machinery, heightens and confuses the emotional state and tends to mae people more aggressive. A *lot* of people die every year because of drunk drivers. How many die because of Marijuana? If ANY, I bet it's so small it's basically not noticeable.
-Cigarettes kill you. We KNOW it. They're legal at 18. They kill people, and make babies weaker upon birth. They're legal.
-Someone who just smoked a bowl will be usually too lazy to leave the house. If they do, they're just wandering to the store and back, and probably not driving.

I'd go on but I'm sure my point is obvious.

I have a suggestion.  Why not end the drug war (since it obviously is not working and is failing horribly) and pump that money into schools so that people know what the drugs do to you? Put the money where your mouth is and educate people.


Legalize Marijauna/Cannabis. It is not bad for you, it has proven abilities to help with pain, with glaucoma, anxiety, depression, insomnia, anorexia, headaches, etc.


I have smoked it. It is amazing.  I could be having a panic attack, take a couple hits and nothing. Just.... gone.  Not stoned, relaxed.

It boosts creativity, elevates mood, and doesn't hurt people. WTF is wrong with it? Nothing.

If we were to legalize marijauna and same sex marriage, we'd boost the economy beyond measure.

So why doesn't the government want it?

Get a Job!

Oh, my dear, were it only that simple.  I've had a lot of judgement put upon me in recent years, from family and I am sure from strangers, about my need to "get a job."

Ignoring the fact that I worked at Wal-Mart for a year(and endured my first personality split, due to an undiagnosed mental condition that repaired itself later...) and had to fight against depression, fury, anxiety and hopelessness. I wanted to move to Portland, so I did. I hadn't had any prior experience in that environment, and barely managed to get into an apartment and get a job. It was for Boost Mobile.

That also failed. This time, because I had a strange thing occur- I felt a stabbing pain in my abdomen and saw pure white.  I asked to be allowed to go home, and they ignored me. I quit the next day.

So, enter a cycle of panic, fear, mental illness(mind you neither job gave me health insurance unless I wanted to pay 20$ a week that I couldn't afford.) and moving.

Finally in 2009 I ended up at my dad's back in NY. I got two jobs within a week of each other, Big Lots and Volunteers of America. By far my best job experiences, and it was then that I began to realize the problem resided with me.  Let me backtrack a little.


I'm not sure exactly what it is that I have. In school, I remember the idea of being close to other people made me so nervous I crawled under all the desks to grab what I needed and crawled back. Needless to say, I didn't live that down very well.

I just consider it social anxiety. I don't like people. Well, I do. If they're quiet and only talk when I want them to. Even my own husband sends me into anxiety attacks. Anyway, at Wal-Mart I started as an "ICS associate".  Aka, I stocked the food during the day because it went off the shelves so fast. I quickly discovered that having too many people in the aisle (one on each end with a shopping cart....) sent me into a feeling of panic. So, I started going to find something to do when I felt trapped.

I don't know what specifically it is, but it's like in my brain there's no escape route. When it happens, I am TRAPPED, I am stuck, there are PEOPLE (which my brain sees as bad) everywhere. I was transferred to the frozen/dairy section(oh..god...) and I hated it.  For a while, anyway. I dislike people and that's where they all congregate! So I started going back to the cooler to relax when I needed to. I'd sit there, in the cooler, and pretend to face stuff if anyone came in. I think my boss started to catch on. >_<;

Anyway, I started looking forward to helping with the truck. There was a lady who did the break packs (A lot of the smaller items like health and beauty(NOT makeup), crafts, stationary, pets... the individual crap like dog bones and toys and shit, anyway it all comes in boxes mixed together. So one person takes all of them and organizes them into the proper parts. I liked it at first, until all the guys (They didn't speak english, or pretended they didn't, I'm not really sure..) one day just stacked 150 of them in front of me and KEPT at it, instead of helping.  I had such a bad panic attack (Oh dear god so much STUFF... and none of them helped me move any of it to get it out of my way so I could keep being productive...) I had to leave. When my boss came in I was like ;_; I'm taking my second lunch.

It was the day from hell. I had to stay for a total of 12 hours til they were all done, I remember he got pissed at them for not helping me and yelled at one of them to help me, his name was Sergei. This other guy who was like, their ringleader, made some crack about me in spanish and he looked embarrassed. I know it was about me because of the expression -__-

Anyway, I finally got done with it, went home. Eventually I couldn't take it anymore and went on to Overnights, which worked a lot better for me. I did crafts for a while, the manager of crafts loved me :/ I really like order and things looking right so it always looked amazing. I'd put the yarn out first, and the buttons when I could, but they started getting mad at me because I wasn't overstuffing the shelves or putting things in the wrong spot just because the shelf was empty(though something else was supposed to go there..)

They put two girls who didn't speak english in there and the department manager came up to me that same day freaking out asking why everything was messed up. I told her I'd been moved and she tried to get me moved back... nope. So I got shoved around departments a lot for a month or so, I didn't mind, it was new stuff. Then, the remodel was starting. They sent me to the Gardening department, it was toward summer.. They wanted someone to, and I quote, "Make sure the Mexicans weren't going to steal tv's"..  yah, serious.

So, I did. Then, right  before I quit, they tried to make me lift 400$ grills (that weighed about 100 lb, and needed two strong guys to lift them up) ABOVE MY HEAD. I was like ... I CAN'T. That weighs as much as me.

"Figure it out."
"Can I get help from one of the remodel guys then? They're like, right there."
"No."

-__- So glad I got out of there.

At boost mobile I could handle the idiots better, didn't like it when they flat out told me I couldn't go home even though I was crying and had such bad stomach cramps that day that customers were asking if I was okay.

At Big Lots and Volunteers of America, my anxiety attacks started catching up to me. I hyperventilated at work a few times (I actually liked my jobs, I just got so stressed out between home stuff and work stuff, and people..) and it was just not fun.

I had a small job at Fred Meyer in Nov. of 2010. It lasted a month, because I was treated so badly I had a panic attack and ran out of the store crying. Before my shift even started. When I went back a few days later, to tell her I was quitting, she got snarky and sarcastic with me -_-;



The ONLY job I've not had a problem with was at Northwest Portland Ministries, a food bank for the NW Portland area. It was awesome.

But.. See, the thing is, I can't DO jobs where there's tons of people. Especially customers. I loved the office setting at NWPM. (It's now been renamed something else) The women were TERRIFIC!! They even gave me a baby shower (I teared up...)

So while it seems like its just like "Hey, sign up for a job at McDonalds/Walmart/Target/Big Box #12", it's really not. Not for everyone.  I won't go into how much those jobs tear through people. I won't go through all that other crap (unless you guys want me to..)

It's not always easy to just "Get a job". Especially in this economy.

Explaining Me

In some ways, I may seem passive aggressive. I really don't mean to be. I am just that socially terrified. I don't know what to do, so it builds up and builds up and builds up until I cry, or yell.  People scare me, especially in situations where there's something they're doing that really bugs me or hurts my feelings. If I trust you enough, I might mention it, and it might come across as nagging. I don't mean to, I just don't know how else to approach it other than keep repeating it, if nothing's being done.

But with everyone else, I just don't know how to. When someone who is staying over does something that upsets me, I shut down And it's stupid little stuff that shouldn't matter to most people, but it really does to me. I believe in fairness, and in certain things that are Mine.  It's stupid, I know, and it's OCD, and it's weird, but it really, really, deeply bugs me when someone sits in "My Chair", or drinks a soda of mine without asking. Idk what other people's social rules are... Mine are, if you want something of Mine, ask me for it. Yes, very time. Just because I gave you a soda last time doesnt mean I want to give you one this time. Especially of certain kinds. RC Cola? MINE. I haven't had it in years, and it's perfect. Pepsi has a funny aftertaste, and Coca-Cola is fuckin' gross. It reminds me of my dad, who I haven't seen in two years. He loved RC Cola too.(He's still alive..)

I have candy in the house, and it bugs me when people eat through it... Yes, there's a lot of it.. There's a lot of it because my logic is to buy a large amount at once, and it will last me a month. A bag of Crunch Bars will last me about 3 weeks.. I eat 3-5 a day MAYBE, and either when I want the taste, or when I am so hungry I'm feeling weird. When I'm that hungry I can't think, and I'm more emotional than ever. My logic is kinda messed up right now, I don't know why, but in my brain there are, for lack of a better term, "Rules" that I don't even understand. They're just there.

I can't think of anything to make for breakfast, so I don't. Milk gives me nasty indigestion. Eggs are too much work. Bread gives me heartburn. :/ It's stupid, I know. I'm working on it. When I am that hungry that I can't think, I'll eat one or two to get some sugar in my system and then I deal with my hunger.

I'm really fucking moody. I might suddenly NEED to clean. Other times I might spend all my time on my computer. It's my comfort zone, I hate face to face interactions. I get terrified.

The weirdest part? I don't want to bring shit up, and fundamentally CAN'T because I don't want to hurt people. I guess I figure most people are as sensitive as me, or something.

So, that should explain me a bit better.

Education System

Okay, my friend ladybug requested to know my views on the education system. I'll split this into sections, from school, to college, and whatever else comes to mind after that. Keep in mind, I grew up in a small town in upstate NY, and the town was 88% White. The town's name is Canandaigua.

Grade School:
I have had quite a few problems in school, that led to my opinion.  I'll list them as I remember.. In about 3rd grade, I was playing on the monkey bars. I slipped, hit my head, and woke up in the nurse's office not remembering who I was. She told me I was faking it and to get back to class. I wandered around trying to find it until someone recognized me. I don't remember anything else.

In second grade, I got banned from the bookshelf for "reading too much". It still irritates me to this day. My dad came in and raised hell.  I don't really know how specifically this affected me, aside from the fact that I escaped into books even more, and nearly failed high school because of my escapism. I read during every class under the desk, the more stressed I got. Long story short, that really killed my trust in teachers.

It goes on and on, stuff like that. I was sent to anger management in 7th grade when a new girl came to the school, manipulated all my friends into liking her and then ditching me. Not knowing how to deal with that kind of pain, I wrote "I hate _____" over and over, and one of them went to the counselor acting like she was afraid I was going to kill her -_-

I have memory problems, read one of my past blogs for details. It's an obvious title. Because of this, I couldn't remember my homework. I didn't really know how to work around that issue, and with my dad telling me about how he'd gotten through school on tests(but that was a different time) I didn't really think much of it. Instead of the teachers asking me why I didn't do my homework (one did, and then acted like I was lying when I told her it was memory problems), they just assumed I didn't care enough.

And that's my biggest issue with our "normal" school system. Teachers and counselors don't really try hard enough to figure out things like that. I got detention for crying once in 4th grade because "I wouldn't calm down".  The kid who picked on me had NOTHING happen to him. It's hard to respect school when they treat you like that.

They could have asked me what I meant by I didn't remember, instead of assuming it was an excuse. I understand a lot of kids use excuses- not all do. I probably would have done a lot better in school had anyone acted like they gave a damn.

I failed English more than once. Obviously, I'm not stupid. (Whee, minor arrogant moment <3) However, when you give me a class first thing in the morning, I will forget homework even more than later in the day. I finally had to tell them to quit putting classes I do bad in for my first period of the day.

Another problem I had? Bullying. My father smoked a lot, and kids thought I was a drug addict. I have a jaw issue (Long story short, my lower jaw sticks out and my upper jaw is too small and my cheekbones are recessive),  and I got picked on for it. One kid in particular I'm not sure I'll ever forget. I've forgiven him, mostly, but it still hurts to remember him sticking his chin out in a parody of my face. Teachers didn't really care or do much about it, I finally had to drop out of science because I couldn't take it anymore.

We need MORE funding in schools, not less. This is the kind of thing that happens when you keep cutting funding. It's also what happens in a society where kids are expected to "toughen up".

College
I have not gone to college yet. One day I may, I'm not sure. I do know I want to go back and do some classes eventually. I have a major problem, though, with how much College is pushed to our youth and in general in our society. Kids in high school are pushed very hard by counselors to go to college.

Please note, I am not ignorant. I am well aware of the benefits of college. However, as an intelligent individual who has been poor her entire life, I'm also well aware of the drawbacks, including amazing amounts of debt, a bad job market, and a weak economy.

Anyway, I actually, perhaps because of my issues with school officials and their way of treating me, took offense to the fact that the counselor was trying to tell me I would never amount to anything because I didn't go to college.  They act as though you can only get crappy minimum wage part time jobs.  They completely dismiss the idea of working for yourself, of creativity, of forging your own path. Instead they tell you to follow the safe route, basically.

However, because kids are shoved through school so quickly, and not given a chance to really think on what they want to do, many kids who graduate High School and go into college end up being in for longer because they discover they did not want to go for what they were going for.  The bills rack up.

Now, I'm not saying don't go to college. This is an opinion of mine based upon my own experience and observations. Some people need college. Some people need the structure, the socializing, etc. Some people are very happy in college. I might be when I go back, who knows. But there are all these ideas we are force-fed, that if we don't go to college NOW, NOW, NOW we never will go. There are still ways to make money without going to college.

Besides, the institution of College is incredibly expensive now, and those who go and get a degree may emerge without a job ready for them.

By all means, go if you want to enrich yourself. I just find it sad that we are taught that's the way of the world, and expected, though in today's age it's not true. I mean, it is expected, but you can be wildly successful without a bachelor's degree.



In short, the government needs to quit pissing our money away on weapons to kill non-white people with, and spend it on education for our children. Just because Republicans want stupid kids so that it's easier for them to be believed in their pathetic lies, that doesn't mean we don't see through it.

As for College- Go *for you* not for anyone else. If you go for anyone else, you won't feel fulfilled .Follow your heart, even if that means going a different direction than others may want for you.

Androgyny: The True Gender

What???  Yes, I know. Hear me out.

I'll start off with the information that is obvious a few posts down. I am asexual, or I identify as such. I have no real attraction to people sexually. By that I mean... none. I have a baby, but that's because it was around our honeymoon phase for my husband and I, and I love him, so.. yeah.

I am attracted to personalities, regardless of what body they inhabit. Not sexually, from a deep level of connect, similar to friends and family spliced.  With all that in mind, I'll continue.

I went through a phase (And I call it a phase because that is how my mind works, not because I have no respect for this or think it is for other people) a few years ago, trying to find my identity. I didn't feel right.  I felt like I was in the wrong body, or the wrong world, and I just wasn't me, externally. So, I decided to spend some time figuring out who and what I was internally. I used different terms as they came to mind, and I considered myself "Gender Neutral and both simultaneously", and "bisexual".  By "bisexual", and I explain this to explain to my truly bisexual friends, I was not attempting to diminish bisexuality, I was just trying to find the proper words.

What I meant was, that I see both genders as beautiful, truly beautiful, equally. In an artistic sort of way. Not actually attracted to them (Boobs are fun to look at, I don't really know why. I mean, I have them, and I still look. It's not intentional, either. I don't really know why I do it, it's just social awkwardness. But what sets me apart from bisexual people is that I am not sexual. So, I have no real interest in their genitalia.  I love my husband. Penises look weird.  That's pretty much as simple as I can put it. (Vaginas are pretty gross too, but I haven't seen and am not interested in seeing many of those..)

But I'm getting a bit off topic.  Now, I will describe how I feel, "gender wise", and explain why I chose that term.  I have a book I found today, Androgyny: Toward a new theory of sexuality, by June Singer. I found it at a place I visited in Downtown Portland this morning.

I will paraphrase the part of the introduction I am referring to, as it is fairly wordy. If you are interested, I will type it all up.

Basically, Sheldon S. Hendler said the following.  "The purpose June Singer has found for us, she tells us is to become conscious of the way we exist within the cosmic scheme."

To do so, we must explore the grounds of our opinions. We then enter the process of becoming conscious of the many aspects of ourselves, of who we really are and not "who we are supposed to be."  In becoming conscious, we become aware of the dualities that have molded us:


Activity/Passivity
Competition/Co-operation
Independence/Dependence
Logic/Intuition
etc

The one duality that seems to be the generator of all the others is that of male-female. Dr. Singer believes the resolution of our dualities, is not to combat between them but to love each for the other, the state of Androgyny.

That's what I'm going to tackle and mention first.

See, what really bugs me (As so, so many things do <3.. Yet I'm actually a very happy person! You wouldn't know it to read this blog :/) is that we have been taught on a subconscious level that one of those is for one gender and one is for the other. Can you guess?

Yep.  Left=stereotypical male, right=stereotypical female.

And that's what bugs me the most. I don't WANT to squash myself into those boxes. Our society's expectations of us due to our genitals is absurd at best, devastating at worst. The repercussions can be tremendous.

In high school, I was painfully shy. I had low self esteem, I was passive about everything, and I was unhealthily intuitive (escapism+"intuition" can be a bad combo).  In short, I was a different person.

I have worked very hard on myself, because I did not like who I am. I am now more aggressive than passive, at least online. In person, due to my petite size, I don't tend to want to piss people off who could hurt me.  Kinda logical, right? I think so, anyway. (Welll, at one point, on Zoloft, I told a drug dealer how much of a worthless piece of shit he was. He threatened to kill me, so I kinda got off that pill real quick.)

I have never really felt like I belonged. As someone who has absolutely no interest in sex, and doesn't understand what the attractiveness is of sticking one's genitals in you, or your genitals in someone else, our world's hypersexuality is very disturbing.

Yes, disturbing. I mean, to me it's sad when a 6 year old boy is kicked out of school for singing a song he doesn't understand, and wiggling his butt.  Sexual assault? Really?? I'm not a sexual person but I have been conditioned to see it everywhere. Even hints of it. Bras are designed to push breasts up and put them on display. The typical style is meant to attract the opposite(or same) sex. Everything.

Me? I dress for me. I dress for what makes me feel powerful, happy, good about myself. Around my house, I often just wear my nursing bra and a pair of pants. I breastfeed. *shrug* I love everything from pinstripe suits to dresses, jeans and button up shirts to.... whatever else. I like style, whatever it may be. I love steampunk. I don't love that I'm expected to "look good" i.e. sexy. It annoys me, and I don't care.

Now, here's when I get weird.  (ME?? Weird? Nooooooooooo.)

I don't mind being sexy for me. Or for the fun of it. I just don't do it for other people. I don't mind doing it for Jason because it makes him happy. But I really just do it for the aesthetics. Seeing me, I look pretty feminine. I don't tend to wear "masculine" clothes. I do love my pinstripes, though :/ I don't own any right now, but boy, do I. I am at least mentally androgynous. I'm sometimes more stereotypically feminine- passive, etc. I'm sometimes more stereotypically masculine- aloof, aggressive, blunt.  I just feel like me, a mixture in between.

Androgyny doesn't necessarily mean binding your breasts and putting on a suit. To me, it's a mental thing.

What is it to you?



If you read my blogs and like my views or the way I write, and am curious about my opinion on a specific topic, please let me know by contacting me on facebook- facebook.com/eternalaraelys, or here.

Living without Memories

Sounds weird, right?  That's pretty much me. I'm not sure if it's normal or not, I don't feel like it is. Allow me to explain a few things...

In my blogs, if it ever seems like I "stalled out" on a train of thought, something interrupted my focus, and I had to try to reassemble it. To me, it kinda feels like a train going so far off course it somehow went through a building and killed a bunch of people. Needless to say, it's difficult to clamber from that wreckage and find my way back to where I was.

And that's kinda how my memories are, too. I mean, I have minor ones. Itsy-bitsy glimpses of a moment that I don't really remember. Something about living with my Aunt and Uncle in California came to mind, but it's very basic. Nothing strong.  I have a general guideline of MAJOR major events. I often even forget that I was raped until it comes to mind due to one of my many trains of thought. I remember little glimpses of my childhood, half buried. Like something about getting knocked out in 3rd grade because I fell off the monkey bars and hit my head. I had a dream of two Jesuses telling me I wasn't ready to leave yet and woke up not remembering where or who I was. Or at least, I think that's what happened. But that's the problem, I don't even know.

I can't really trust my memories for full truth, because of the vast depths of my imagination. I'm not saying anything arrogant by that, either, really.. I mean it. I read books from such a young age that the stories are imbedded in my brain somewhere. So when I tried to remember I had to try to fill gaps to make sense of things that I thought happened.

But day to day, nothing's really going on in my head. I remember shards of conversation, and vastly out of order. Like, I'll remember saying something, or Jason saying something in a conversation, and I will totally, utterly remember it as if it happened yesterday, and it happened a week or two ago.  But I won't remember other things. Or I will remember something I said, but not anything from recent conversations.  It goes in one ear, out the other, and I wish I could keep them and remember them. It bugs me that I can't. I'm not sure why it happens. I really wish I knew..  It's difficult.

It's part of why, during a time of mental breakdown a few years ago, I even questioned if reality existed or if I was imagining giant portions of my life because it just didn't feel right.

It's honestly terrifying.  On the other hand, when I write my stories, I am so there I know everything about the world. It just downloads into my head as soon as the idea does.

But I can't remember what Jason and I spent an hour talking about yesterday afternoon. I know it was an important conversation, and a good one, and we understood each other and we didn't yell, and I know it was about communication and stuff going on, but I simply do not remember anything else.
My mind feels very clear when I eat a lot of vegetables. However, the problem is I automatically go for the meat, because if I don't eat meat I feel very weak, and the pasta to balance out the flavor, and I forget to eat it. I totally forget to eat the vegetables, and I have a ton in the house.

Wanna know something sad?  I even forget how long ago I took a shower. When I feel grungy, I take a shower. Little stuff like that.

Don't get me wrong. I don't forget to pay attention to Aedric. I don't forget to change his diapers, and I check the time regularly to make sure I feed him every 2-3 hours.  But everything else? Poof. Gone.

I feel like a phantom drifting through life, only anchored by stories I write and hugs from Aedric and Jason.

I forget what my friends look like, what they feel like when I hug them or they are around. I remember a few... but it's rare. And it really, really kills me inside. I don't know why I'm like this. I wish I knew.

Sorry, this one's a bit depressing, I just had to get it out there.  I live in the moment because I can't live any other way.

The Psychology of Tarot

The following is my own personal opinion, based on my own observations.

I have been reading Tarot for over a decade.  Initially I consumed book after book on the symbolisms of the cards, but I quickly came to realize something you'll hear many long-time readers say. "The cards have a personality".  And it's kind of true.  For the purposes of this blog, when I say "energy" I mean that each person has their own unique electromagnetic field, if you're scientific, or aura if you're not. We each have our own energy.

So, the cards pick up on that energy.  Not because they have a mind of their own, (though, I do occasionally wonder..) but because the energy being put into them does.  I'm going to assume that people reading this don't know anything about Tarot, just to make it easier on everyone.

There is 78 cards in a deck. 14 cards per suit- Ace through 10, and Page, Knight, Queen, and King.  The names might be different but that's the genera principle.  There are four suits. Earth(Pentacles/Coins), Fire(Wands), Water(Cups) and Air(Swords) that are all pretty straightforward. A lot of reading tarot is reading the symbolism. Some is excruciatingly obvious, some is not. Air cuts things, and the King and Queen of Swords can represent someone who is very vicious or sharp with words or thoughts, for example.

Anyway, there are also 22 Major Arcana Cards.  They range from the Fool, which is about the beginning of a journey, to the World, which is true enlightenment. They're all about the journey of life, and different points along the way. Concept cards.

Now, different people have different methods with their cards. Some people wrap theirs up in some sort of cloth to protect them from everyday energy. Some don't bother. Some put them in a box, or leave them out under moonlight to cleanse the energy, everyone's different. (Hey, some people are more mystical than others. Whatever works for you and your cards :) )

Some people don't like to shuffle their cards so that they also can be reversed. It just feels wrong. That's their intuition talking.  My intuition has depended on the cards, but most often, I always just shuffle so they're all facing upright. Some people think if a card falls reversed, it is a negative meaning of that card. I disagree.. All the cards have different meanings. Also, the meaning and tone of the cards can be vastly different from deck to deck. I've gone through many decks. My most recent, I don't even know the name of, it was a gift.. and it works beautifully.

Now, when people talk about the cards being "blunt" or something, this is them reading the symbolism of the cards. Sometimes a message comes about very clearly, other times it's very vague. It all depends on the reading.

For example... I just picked a card. 6 of Cups.  In this deck, it is of a man drinking from a cup. A dragon is behind him looking like it's sneaking off into the background behind him(to the left).  When I read the cards, I read from left to right if it's a straight reading(I do two different kinds.) as if it were from past to future. This card is all about memories, thinking on times past.  I see this card, depending on the other cards around it, as being about letting it go, or remembering good times. Sometimes, if the other cards are foreboding, it seems as though the dragon is about to attack him.

This is all about the symbolism and how you(or the reader) perceives things. People rarely see the same thing the same way.  Someone else seeing this card might notice the scorpion I didn't notice, right behind him, and think that memories are sneaking up on him. Another person might notice that he took his hat off and looks totally at ease.

Tarot is all about symbolism and intuition. Some people don't have a strong connection with either, and make guesswork out of it. To me, Tarot has become almost a beautiful science. A good tarot reading leaves me feeling fulfilled and happy.

Now, there's another type of tarot reading I love to do, that's not "normal".  I shuffle the cards until it feels right, and then I flip the cards onto the floor until it feels right. When the cards land face down, it means that it is something that you aren't aware of or is happening behind the scenes. I look at the way the cards are laid out, and find the starting point. It's usually pretty obvious. I've had them fall in the shape of the US when I was moving a lot, a spiral for one person, a forked path for another, two waves for me, and all kinds of things.  When cards land in clumps, they're connected. When cards point to other cards, they're affecting each other.

Tarot is all about perspective, and the longer you do it, the more you learn.

Asexuality

I don't really know if that's what I have. I'm not a huge fan of labels, I looked it up years ago but my memories are shit. This is going to take a lot of courage for me to post about, but I'm okay with that.  I'm ok with people thinking I'm weird, or judging me because I'm not "like them".

I've never had any sexual interests in anyone.  I just... don't. I have never looked at someone and said "Damn, I'd love to have sex with them." I can see either gender as beautiful aesthetically and from an appreciation for life and the human form, but not for actual interest like that.

It doesn't mean I don't love my husband. He means the world to me and more. And it is nothing against him, he's beautiful to me.  It's not anything with him, or anything that's happened to me. I just have never had an interest in sex. I have been aroused before, but frankly it lasts less than 30 seconds.  I masturbate, but it's more clinical and for the release of endorphins to help me sleep.

Aedric was born in love.  He wasn't planned, it was a honeymoon type thing.

And I'm not exaggerating. I am not saying this to garner attention, in fact I am pushing myself to finally bare a part of me I've not commented on. In a world this relentlessly, powerfully sexual, I feel a little out of place and uncomfortable. Some seductive/sensual images interest me, but it's because of the power of the person, the power they hold, not any kind of arousal or interest in what might happen when their clothes come off.

Whether I am this thing or not, it does not matter to me. In my opinion, it should not matter to you, either, I am just finally attempting to describe myself and how I feel.

I haven't changed. I'm just explaining some behaviors that may or may not have made sense.

I am drawn to personalities, like beautiful glowing gems in a beach of mud. I love my friends deeply, and purely, with all of me. My possible asexualism (As, again, I don't know if that's a label I want to drape upon myself) doesn't affect my ability to love and care for people.

Perhaps it'll explain to you why I get so frustrated with the sexualization of our culture. I'm a feminist, not a feminazi. The only reason I've been termed one is that it is supposedly not "ladylike"to be aggressive in your beliefs.  But since when has gender mattered to me?

About 3-4 years ago I accepted myself as being something "non normal"... By that I mean the pure middle line traditional thought of human. Male, female, straight, gay, bisexual. Whatever.  I considered my self, and I quote, "Neither gender, and both simultaneously." That is because, to me, gender is something in the mind. Genders in and of themselves don't mean shit.  All they are are a list of character traits we decided to tack on to a phallus or breasts, as we deem fitting.  Why is it strange I don't want to choose those specific characteristics for myself?

I've never really had any interest in sex though. I've had sex. (Obviously, derp, I have a baby..) That doesn't mean I was the one who wanted it or instigated it. I've been raped once, and tried sex a few different times (literally....) It never really did anything for me. All that grunting? What's the point? 

I went through a phase of trying to see "what was wrong with me" and had sex with different people.  (Literally one a year...) Jason's the first to really make me happy. (Not like that :P In general. Though like that too.. XD)

I was like this before I was raped. I was like this before my dad's drunken ranting about women when I was younger. I was like this for as long as I can remember, just like my social anxiety. Perhaps they're tied together. I don't know.


That's the thing. I don't know, but I'm okay with it. I'm finally, really okay with it. It's still weird to me, not because I feel weird but because everyone else I meet (well aside from a few people) are "normal".  But life isn't about being normal. I am on this world for MAYBE 100 years. If I'm that lucky/unlucky (who wants to need diapers? :( That's sad.)  I'm not going to waste my time anymore trying to "Fit in".  I'm just going to fit ME, as ever-evolving as that is.

I'm sorry if for some reason you feel I've disappointed you. Perhaps you need to re-evaluate your relationship with me and why you think it's "wrong" or "strange".  That's your battle.

Me? I've got a sleeping baby in the next room and a husband on the couch, and library in my mind waiting to come out.  I am going to live my life and see what happens. And I'm glad for sex. It got me Aedric.  I just have no real interest in it. :D <3

Some info: http://www.asexuality.org/home/overview.html

Time Waits For No Man

This is a poem I came up with, All rights reserved and whatnot.

"Time waits for no man, Sam!
No man, until we are free.
Something my father always told me..
But I just don't agree.
Time is more than a ticking watch,
Waiting for your last second.
It's a playful companion in your mind
Slowing and speeding all the time.
Sometimes a few days slip past ya,
Leaving you confused and fumbling.
Often an hour seems to drag on into infinity
Stretching toward nothing.
Oftentimes we aren't happy with what we call time
Wanting it to do as we wish
Rushing, rushing all the time.
We rush past what we don't want
Terrified it will last
We want to stop for the good times,
Wanting those to last forever.
All moments want to be cherished,
Loved on into forever.
We spend our lives restricting our loves, fears
Our dreams, ourselves.
Each moment should be held close,
As you learn from the worst of them.
Time doesn't wait for you,
It plays with you."

Mobile Wallets??

REALLY?  Mastercard on my phone? Why, no thank you!  I have very little trust in electronic money, due to my own past issues with Banks (Thank you US Bank and Chase, and fuck you both with a ten foot pole..)

See, the thing about electronic money is, that's assuming nothing happens to it. It is in a computer system.  Everything we have is in computer systems, from the big banks on down. I read an article recently that a ton of money we sent to China in the form of gold from Fort Knox was fake.  That really makes me feel safe in the American dollar, let alone electronic funds...

The thing is, nothing about money is safe. I don't know that it ever was, but at least at one point we had a legitimate system of this many paper bills = 1 bar of pure gold. During the great depression we printed money and it lost value. Now we don't use bills anymore, (though I still prefer having good old cash as opposed to electronic money..) we use debit cards or worse, credit.

I honestly hate the entire idea of credit. Hey, I'm going to buy this LATER and use it NOW.  Great idea, can you pay for it though? No? Oh look, your credit sucks.  Now, though, what really pisses me off is you have to have credit to get credit. They don't trust you if you don't have credit. It's absurd.

How many people in this country are in debt? How many are poor? A lot.  Is it really a good idea to keep spending money we don't have, and to make it easier to do so? And again, credit is basically fake money.

To each their own, I guess, but personally I dislike it.  Money has grown in power until now it is all people think about, because we have gotten so greedy. I want, I want, I want. You don't have the money, Sally!

Scream, cry, throw a fit. Or, nowadays when you don't have money you can say you do and pretend you do.  Somehow I don't see this ending well.

Being a Mom Changed My Life

I know what you're thinking.  Well, duh...
But I mean more than just wiping his butt and giving him baths, getting up in the middle of the night to feed him, and childbirth.

Before I had Aedric I had come quite a way psychologically, all on my own. I had faced a ton of demons in a non-typical way, and was fundamentally different than when I was in high school. Sure, it was mostly on the internet- I learned how to talk about my opinions, made wonderful friends and terrible friends, and learned how to cope with some lingering effects of my childhood.

But it wasn't until I puked for the first time in years (Well, aside from one stupid time in Texas when I hadn't eaten anything and drank a lot of alcohol.... Nie might remember. Man, I am one apologetic drunk..) that I realized something was amiss. I went the next day to Planned Parenthood, and they gave me a packet of information. When I found out I was 8 weeks and 5 days pregnant, I felt like I'd been hit by a train.

You see, I'm a very symbolic, psychological person, and in some stupid, naive little way, I actually believed that somehow I was too full of hate and rage to get pregnant.. Even though the rage had passed, thanks to a lovely little trippy half-hour period where my brain reset itself in 2008.

So, me? Pregnant???

On the walk home I was shell-shocked and trying to wrap my mind around the fact that somehow a part of me that died every month and a part of Jason that usually just died after leaving his body had actually formed into a growing entity. I had a handy little packet of papers about abortion clinics (None of which were in Lancaster, Pennsylvania..), some places that could help me, and adoption information. I went home, kinda feeling like the world was tilted in the wrong direction.

I talked to Jason and told him that I was pregnant... He wasn't surprised. He was the one who nagged me to go get tested. He looked a little freaked out, and was happy but nervous.  Man, I had nausea for like 3 weeks. That sucked.

Anyway, a few months later we lost our place. We packed up our crap literally in less than an hour and a half, and left. Still annoys me a bit to this day that we weren't given any kind of warning.. Anyway, we walked all the way into town (about a mile or two) when I was 4 months pregnant. In 20 days we were going to be coming back to Portland. We had no idea what was where in downtown Lancaster, and eventually found a place entitled TLC, which I forgot what it meant but it was a homeless transitional housing place. They gave us the address for a homeless shelter and we made it there, and I still remember the line of elderly people waiting outside. They ranged from two women that had missing toes (diabetes) to a young woman who I believe had schizophrenia and some sort of air machine that helped her breathe throughout the night. They all had to carry whatever they owned with them every day.

They took my picture and asked us some questions, and didn't believe us that we were married even though we had identification and proof. I slept on a gymnastics mat on the floor under a giant JESUS cross on the stage. I wasn't allowed to sleep near Jason.  Most of the women had mental health problems and were apparently untreated- one used to almost never shut up and whined all the time.  Most were overweight, as well.

I wasn't able to get on food stamps, and they only fed us twice a day. I felt him kick either the first or second night, and my heart filled with joy, despite the conditions I was in. No, I didn't find Jesus. Did you check behind the sofa?

If we took any food we didn't eat from the mess hall, it was considered stealing and we weren't allowed to stay there. It was the only shelter in town. We were told we would only be allowed there for 5 days because "we were out of county". The next day a woman told us we were extremely lucky, we could stay, but ONLY because we were leaving in 20 days. If we missed the flight, too bad, not their problem.

Long story short, that sucked and I was concerned about only eating two meals a day, some friends from Facebook changed my life and sent us money (THANK YOU AGAIN!!). We were able to buy dollar items from mcdonalds for lunch at least semi-often.

Anyway, we made it back and became homeless again in September, moved in with a crazy guy for a few months who eventually scared us enough we moved to a homeless shelter. There we got to deal with all kinds of homeless family drama, stress, and for me back pain.

But, my point is, in spite of all that, I still was happy. I didn't really mind that I was overdue. My back hurt, but mostly I was so happy, and filled with love for that life within me that I didn't care. Seeing Aedric's face was the most amazing thing in my life. I look at him, and can't help but smile. Not because he does weird stuff, but just because he is so pure, and so happy.



It was a truly transcending experience, and he has honestly changed my mind for the better. I am so much more of an optimist now than I ever was. Just ask Kendra! Or Jason. <3

They're Revolting!!!

No, really.  Call it what you will, the French have changed the paradigm. About fucking time.  http://www.nytimes.com/2012/05/07/opinion/krugman-those-revolting-europeans.html?_r=1

At least someone is. I keep hoping America will do something to fight the status quo but for a multitude of reasons, a good portion of Americans are content to sit swilling beer and griping about the current president, as if he is to blame for all our ills.
Yeah, I said it.

I have a problem with people.  Not merely my social anxiety, I have a fundamental issue with people.  At least, a lot of the ones I've met. I'm sick and tired of people being content with the problems of the world, accepting it as just how it is, not accepting that they have the power to change.

I know, I know, we have essentially been taught our vote doesn't matter that much. After all, we are just one person, right?

Yes, that is true. However, it is also true that most Americans are furious as to what's going on in our wallets, our government, our lack of jobs. We are getting pissed. So why the hell are we not doing anything about it?

My opinion? We don't know what to do.  Occupy started something that's helped. Do I think that will be the end of it? No. Do I think that that is what will fundamentally change it? Read the article I posted yesterday about the woman evicted at 3 am at gunpoint.  The cop in there didn't even believe that Corporations have a great deal of power in this country. Sure, he's in Georgia. That's no excuse ;)

We are all angry, and upset, and scared, and we feel powerless. Right? You walk through security at the airport and you're treated like some kind of sociopathic criminal who must be bringing a bomb on board.  Yes, I understand we have had problems with terrorists. I won't go into that here, though, that's a whole 'nother ball of ranting.

We have been slowly taught, due to perhaps our parents, perhaps the mainstream media, perhaps public schools, that we are just one person. We can't make a difference. Even though every day we see the results of other people who finally got upset enough to say something, we just write it off as there's something special about them.

I think the one problem America might have is the laziness and fear. Not just laziness as in sitting in front of a couch and watching football. I mean the entire paradigm we have. People don't always vote. My dad doesn't, he doesn't see the point. With the electoral college, I kinda don't blame him, but still.. Until you say something, you're just one more person who has stood back and let it happen.

I for one am sick of letting it happen. I'm not out on the streets because I have a 4 month old I'm breastfeeding and cops have a bit too many frustrations they like taking out on peaceful protestors. But I will blog. I will talk. I will vent, I will vote. I will make my point clear.

France realized how ridiculous the "suck it up, it gets better" mentality we're being force-fed is.  They stood up for themselves, and it's changing.  They did something about it. So when are we?  I can pretty much garauntee you that something else needs to happen than Occupy. Some other movement will spring up because of it, and then there will be two.

We need to do something.  Otherwise it's just going to get worse.

Something More Positive: Meditation

Reading this blog, you may think I am an angry soul. In fact, not really. A few years ago, certainly! I was one of the angriest people I've dealt with (Heh.. you know what I mean.) A few years ago I was so swamped with feelings of rage and hopelessness and hatred, I actually drove myself to a state of hallucination. Thankfully it only lasted about 20 minutes, it wasn't pleasant.

Since, I've come across meditation, and having my son (Aedric, who is now 4 months old <3) has fundamentally changed me, my views, my life.  More than the waking up at night to feed him part.

There has been quite a bit of research done on meditation. Here is a link to wikipedia- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Research_on_meditation

Meditation has been proven to affect many, many things throughout the body, from metabolism to heart rate, biochemicals and stress level, blood pressure and mood.

Thoughts have power. Choose the thoughts you wish to grant power.  When John Lennon was murdered, Yoko Ono asked for people to just silently pray for 10 minutes.  When you experience it, you know how true it is. 

There are many ways to meditate. The "count down from ten and step into a pool/walk up stairs" thing never fit me very well. I get mine when I write, or read, or just take a few minutes to sit out side and... be. I allow myself to stop thinking about things like Aedric crying, or something Jason has done recently to annoy me. I don't think about the stress and frustration I feel toward our society and its ills. I just let it go, and try to take in the order and chaos of the universe.

Here goes trying something new. <3

Response to Georgia Eviction

Link to the article that appeared on my Facebook wall this morning: http://www.alternet.org/story/155292/dozens_of_police_evict_georgia_family_at_gunpoint_at_3am

Initial reactions: I am a very mood/emotion-driven person. It is part of why I started this blog, to get things off my chest that bother me, frustrate me, or otherwise have been on my mind. I felt a multitude of varying reactions.

Disgust-  I find the sheer degree of overreaction absurd. The simple thought that there may be Occupy people there drove them into such a panic they had to have that many people show up? Honestly? I could understand if the family had been violent, loud, outspoken in their refusal to leave. But this is a home with an 85 year old woman and a child in it. It's not as likely they're going to pull out guns and start shooting.

That they came in at 3 am at all to evict this family also disgusts me. I don't know specific details, perhaps they'd been told they had to be out by a certain date but it does not sound like it at all. In fact, it sounds like they were utterly surprised by it.

To come up to anyone, though, at this hour of the night and expect them to pack up and get out is unnecessary, cruel, absurd, and disgusting. Not only did they terrify the family, they also destroyed possessions and it sounds like they had absolutely no respect for the family.  This reminds me a bit of the police's response to the Occupy movement in general. Guess what, though?

You are still a person, regardless of your political views. Whether or not this family was part of Occupy, regardless of whether or not they support gay rights or whatever, that still gives the police NO right to treat them like this.

That's a problem that is getting disturbingly repetitive in our society today. It's coming up on the news more and more, things that are done to people unfairly. Cruelly. The people who were casually sprayed in the face when peacefully, calmly, even politely protesting in Oakland, I believe it was?

People being beaten, arrested for the most minor of made-up offenses. I understand that those in power are afraid of change, afraid of people discovering their own power, afraid of people getting angry and saying enough is enough. However, it is beyond my comprehension that people are okay with things like this occurring.  Yes, she was late on payments. Yes, life is not fair.

That doesn't mean it's okay that life isn't fair. That doesn't mean that it is okay that these things are happening. That doesn't mean that it's okay to just ignore it and pretend things will get better, to blame the people for what happens to them.

How is it that we come to this, yet we learn as children "Do unto others what you would have them do unto you"?  It is painfully simple. Beautifully so.  How would you feel, were this to happen to your family? Without warning, especially?

There are 24 empty houses for each homeless person. Look it up. Was this really necessary?


Aside from the fact that Occupy is not a violent movement, how many other things do you see wrong with this?  With this and so many other things happening daily in the news?

Why are more people not speaking out against these injustices?


I mean, the fact that they responded so extremely to what sounds like an anonymous tip is appalling. What, your instinctive response is to go on the attack with all kinds of weapons and force someone to leave their house, even though when you arrive there is ONE person camping in a tent outside??

Yes, they were lied to. That makes it worse, because they could have just knocked to see if anyone was home, instead of freaking out and forcibly evicting them for no real reason. 




Fear is a terrible thing. It's very sad when we see the police, who are supposed to be there to protect us, and are afraid of them instead.

The fact that he purposely chose to do so at night when there would be no cameras makes a very clear point that he knew it was wrong. They had to know, going in there, that something was amiss. And. They. Did. Not. Care.

If you too are disgusted by this, share this on your facebook. Share this with your friends. Share the article, share the knowledge.

Corporate Wars

We are living in a Corporate World. Whether you want to admit it or not.  Think about your day. When you buy stuff you like, you buy it based on the brand more often than not, right? I admit it, I do it as well. The entire system is designed to keep things in check.

Say you make minimum wage. You make enough to barely scrape by- IF you have a roommate. Your money goes back into the corporation that pays you so little so you can have the food you need to survive. You pay your rent with a good portion of it, and whatever you spend your money on will end up in Corporate hands. A necessary evil? Eh, maybe.

Now, what really bugs me, personally, is that people have this strong feeling of hopelessness, of being enslaved by the corporations, of being trapped, stuck, having no way out, having no real power.  And it's true- in a minor sort of way. As an individual you have a small amount of control over your own life. You choose whether or not you think that working that job is worth the hassle and stress. Factors that go into this are your own psychological profile, how much money you make, where you live, how much the job woud bug you, how much you can ignore, etc.

It bugs me that Corporations are all about sucking up money like an obese vampire constantly hungering for more blood. Is it necessary? I think not. I mean, just how much of that extra profit do the rest of us never see?  Now, don't get me wrong. I understand the entire "They worked for it, they earned it, let them have their money."

But when you have such an obscene amount of money, and you aren't giving more back than you have to, and you're just hoarding it...  How much can you REALLY spend in one lifetime?  Look around you. Our economy is swirling in the toilet. Yeah, there's kids starving in africa. There's also kids starving here.  In a world where we worship money and name brands so intensely, there will always be more people on the street who "Couldn't cut it", or so we are told.

Mainstream Media, or MSM, sells us everything from cars to beverages to patterns of thought We are a consumerist society heavily focused on making money, and those of us who live the day to day ife are obsessed with getting more than we have. We're never satisfied, because there's always something else we need just one step away. Just out of reach is that latest dream, that one thing that would make it all okay.. And when we think we get it, we get more responsibilities, and it backs out of reach again with that killer smile.

MSM is owned by commercials and advertisements. Who pays for those? Huh. How peculiar! Corporations. The "News" we see is biased depending on what they think their viewers want to hear, and what their advertisers want to sell. We're sold mentalities, like "pick yourself up by your bootstraps" and "Work hard, keep the same job, and you will be rewarded!"

Except that that isn't true, now, is it? But we buy it hook, line and sinker. We want to hope, because the alternative seems too depressing to comprehend.

I am writing a book set in the future, in a world where this all gets out of hand, unbelievably so. It will be coming out in June or July, and will address the complex reasons, reactions, and effects of this.  It addresses the vast difference between the rich and the poor, and the attitudes of each. I am selling it in the Nook and Kindle stores (yes, I appreciate the irony of that.)