What??? Yes, I know. Hear me out.
I'll start off with the information that is obvious a few posts down. I am asexual, or I identify as such. I have no real attraction to people sexually. By that I mean... none. I have a baby, but that's because it was around our honeymoon phase for my husband and I, and I love him, so.. yeah.
I am attracted to personalities, regardless of what body they inhabit. Not sexually, from a deep level of connect, similar to friends and family spliced. With all that in mind, I'll continue.
I went through a phase (And I call it a phase because that is how my mind works, not because I have no respect for this or think it is for other people) a few years ago, trying to find my identity. I didn't feel right. I felt like I was in the wrong body, or the wrong world, and I just wasn't me, externally. So, I decided to spend some time figuring out who and what I was internally. I used different terms as they came to mind, and I considered myself "Gender Neutral and both simultaneously", and "bisexual". By "bisexual", and I explain this to explain to my truly bisexual friends, I was not attempting to diminish bisexuality, I was just trying to find the proper words.
What I meant was, that I see both genders as beautiful, truly beautiful, equally. In an artistic sort of way. Not actually attracted to them (Boobs are fun to look at, I don't really know why. I mean, I have them, and I still look. It's not intentional, either. I don't really know why I do it, it's just social awkwardness. But what sets me apart from bisexual people is that I am not sexual. So, I have no real interest in their genitalia. I love my husband. Penises look weird. That's pretty much as simple as I can put it. (Vaginas are pretty gross too, but I haven't seen and am not interested in seeing many of those..)
But I'm getting a bit off topic. Now, I will describe how I feel, "gender wise", and explain why I chose that term. I have a book I found today, Androgyny: Toward a new theory of sexuality, by June Singer. I found it at a place I visited in Downtown Portland this morning.
I will paraphrase the part of the introduction I am referring to, as it is fairly wordy. If you are interested, I will type it all up.
Basically, Sheldon S. Hendler said the following. "The purpose June Singer has found for us, she tells us is to become conscious of the way we exist within the cosmic scheme."
To do so, we must explore the grounds of our opinions. We then enter the process of becoming conscious of the many aspects of ourselves, of who we really are and not "who we are supposed to be." In becoming conscious, we become aware of the dualities that have molded us:
Activity/Passivity
Competition/Co-operation
Independence/Dependence
Logic/Intuition
etc
The one duality that seems to be the generator of all the others is that of male-female. Dr. Singer believes the resolution of our dualities, is not to combat between them but to love each for the other, the state of Androgyny.
That's what I'm going to tackle and mention first.
See, what really bugs me (As so, so many things do <3.. Yet I'm actually a very happy person! You wouldn't know it to read this blog :/) is that we have been taught on a subconscious level that one of those is for one gender and one is for the other. Can you guess?
Yep. Left=stereotypical male, right=stereotypical female.
And that's what bugs me the most. I don't WANT to squash myself into those boxes. Our society's expectations of us due to our genitals is absurd at best, devastating at worst. The repercussions can be tremendous.
In high school, I was painfully shy. I had low self esteem, I was passive about everything, and I was unhealthily intuitive (escapism+"intuition" can be a bad combo). In short, I was a different person.
I have worked very hard on myself, because I did not like who I am. I am now more aggressive than passive, at least online. In person, due to my petite size, I don't tend to want to piss people off who could hurt me. Kinda logical, right? I think so, anyway. (Welll, at one point, on Zoloft, I told a drug dealer how much of a worthless piece of shit he was. He threatened to kill me, so I kinda got off that pill real quick.)
I have never really felt like I belonged. As someone who has absolutely no interest in sex, and doesn't understand what the attractiveness is of sticking one's genitals in you, or your genitals in someone else, our world's hypersexuality is very disturbing.
Yes, disturbing. I mean, to me it's sad when a 6 year old boy is kicked out of school for singing a song he doesn't understand, and wiggling his butt. Sexual assault? Really?? I'm not a sexual person but I have been conditioned to see it everywhere. Even hints of it. Bras are designed to push breasts up and put them on display. The typical style is meant to attract the opposite(or same) sex. Everything.
Me? I dress for me. I dress for what makes me feel powerful, happy, good about myself. Around my house, I often just wear my nursing bra and a pair of pants. I breastfeed. *shrug* I love everything from pinstripe suits to dresses, jeans and button up shirts to.... whatever else. I like style, whatever it may be. I love steampunk. I don't love that I'm expected to "look good" i.e. sexy. It annoys me, and I don't care.
Now, here's when I get weird. (ME?? Weird? Nooooooooooo.)
I don't mind being sexy for me. Or for the fun of it. I just don't do it for other people. I don't mind doing it for Jason because it makes him happy. But I really just do it for the aesthetics. Seeing me, I look pretty feminine. I don't tend to wear "masculine" clothes. I do love my pinstripes, though :/ I don't own any right now, but boy, do I. I am at least mentally androgynous. I'm sometimes more stereotypically feminine- passive, etc. I'm sometimes more stereotypically masculine- aloof, aggressive, blunt. I just feel like me, a mixture in between.
Androgyny doesn't necessarily mean binding your breasts and putting on a suit. To me, it's a mental thing.
What is it to you?
If you read my blogs and like my views or the way I write, and am curious about my opinion on a specific topic, please let me know by contacting me on facebook- facebook.com/eternalaraelys, or here.
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