Thursday, May 10, 2012

Asexuality

I don't really know if that's what I have. I'm not a huge fan of labels, I looked it up years ago but my memories are shit. This is going to take a lot of courage for me to post about, but I'm okay with that.  I'm ok with people thinking I'm weird, or judging me because I'm not "like them".

I've never had any sexual interests in anyone.  I just... don't. I have never looked at someone and said "Damn, I'd love to have sex with them." I can see either gender as beautiful aesthetically and from an appreciation for life and the human form, but not for actual interest like that.

It doesn't mean I don't love my husband. He means the world to me and more. And it is nothing against him, he's beautiful to me.  It's not anything with him, or anything that's happened to me. I just have never had an interest in sex. I have been aroused before, but frankly it lasts less than 30 seconds.  I masturbate, but it's more clinical and for the release of endorphins to help me sleep.

Aedric was born in love.  He wasn't planned, it was a honeymoon type thing.

And I'm not exaggerating. I am not saying this to garner attention, in fact I am pushing myself to finally bare a part of me I've not commented on. In a world this relentlessly, powerfully sexual, I feel a little out of place and uncomfortable. Some seductive/sensual images interest me, but it's because of the power of the person, the power they hold, not any kind of arousal or interest in what might happen when their clothes come off.

Whether I am this thing or not, it does not matter to me. In my opinion, it should not matter to you, either, I am just finally attempting to describe myself and how I feel.

I haven't changed. I'm just explaining some behaviors that may or may not have made sense.

I am drawn to personalities, like beautiful glowing gems in a beach of mud. I love my friends deeply, and purely, with all of me. My possible asexualism (As, again, I don't know if that's a label I want to drape upon myself) doesn't affect my ability to love and care for people.

Perhaps it'll explain to you why I get so frustrated with the sexualization of our culture. I'm a feminist, not a feminazi. The only reason I've been termed one is that it is supposedly not "ladylike"to be aggressive in your beliefs.  But since when has gender mattered to me?

About 3-4 years ago I accepted myself as being something "non normal"... By that I mean the pure middle line traditional thought of human. Male, female, straight, gay, bisexual. Whatever.  I considered my self, and I quote, "Neither gender, and both simultaneously." That is because, to me, gender is something in the mind. Genders in and of themselves don't mean shit.  All they are are a list of character traits we decided to tack on to a phallus or breasts, as we deem fitting.  Why is it strange I don't want to choose those specific characteristics for myself?

I've never really had any interest in sex though. I've had sex. (Obviously, derp, I have a baby..) That doesn't mean I was the one who wanted it or instigated it. I've been raped once, and tried sex a few different times (literally....) It never really did anything for me. All that grunting? What's the point? 

I went through a phase of trying to see "what was wrong with me" and had sex with different people.  (Literally one a year...) Jason's the first to really make me happy. (Not like that :P In general. Though like that too.. XD)

I was like this before I was raped. I was like this before my dad's drunken ranting about women when I was younger. I was like this for as long as I can remember, just like my social anxiety. Perhaps they're tied together. I don't know.


That's the thing. I don't know, but I'm okay with it. I'm finally, really okay with it. It's still weird to me, not because I feel weird but because everyone else I meet (well aside from a few people) are "normal".  But life isn't about being normal. I am on this world for MAYBE 100 years. If I'm that lucky/unlucky (who wants to need diapers? :( That's sad.)  I'm not going to waste my time anymore trying to "Fit in".  I'm just going to fit ME, as ever-evolving as that is.

I'm sorry if for some reason you feel I've disappointed you. Perhaps you need to re-evaluate your relationship with me and why you think it's "wrong" or "strange".  That's your battle.

Me? I've got a sleeping baby in the next room and a husband on the couch, and library in my mind waiting to come out.  I am going to live my life and see what happens. And I'm glad for sex. It got me Aedric.  I just have no real interest in it. :D <3

Some info: http://www.asexuality.org/home/overview.html

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