So, I'm sure everyone's seen all this shit about the 99%. No matter what you think, if you think all the protesters are a bunch of dirty ineducated hippies who want to do nothing with their life, and want shit handed to them or not, I am one. I don't give two fucks if you think that, because I know you're dead wrong. And I am aware some people DO think that. The fact that they do annoys me to no end, but I can't even say I blame them.. I blame the society we live in for brainwashing everyone into believing things that are no longer true.
What am I referring to? Well, let's see here. I guess I'm just going to vent til it comes clear to you, because I'm just having such a backlash of mental FUCKALL that I don't really have the ability to sort it nicely. I had it all pretty and wrapped up in an angry bow on the way to the library, but with this kind of stress, it just unraveled into a giant pile of raaaaaaaaage. RAAAAAAAAAGE @_@
It's been a while since I've felt like this, because I've been doing my damnedest to hold it together. I love my son. I haven't even met the little guy yet and I can't wait to feel his hand squeezing mine. I've been trying to hold it together for him, and for myself, because I know I can. And I have done a DAMNED good job of doing so, of holding myself AND Jason together for the past year and a fucking half. However, there comes a time when you just have to rant and let it all out, and while some of you may wish I did so in other ways, that's simply not who I am. I have to vent. I have to scream to the world, and I have to make it available for those who are interested, because that's just how I am. Video games don't work for me. I suck at venting in person to people because I guess I'm either afraid of going too far, or I just get bored and stop. And it doesn't help, because I didn't get enough out. So, that's my explanation as for why I do this. Blow me if you don't like it <3
ANYWAY.
You want to know why I support the 99%? You want to know why I don't stand up for the pledge of fucking allegiance? You want to know why I love the people in this country but really have no respect for the country itself? You want to know why I get so pissed off at the media, and society in general? It's taken me the last few years to really get to understand why I get so angry, so utterly frustrated with everything that happens, and yes, I am aware there's not much I can do as an individual to change it. But that's part of what bugs me.
What bugs me is, that even though I've done nothing wrong... I've never been arrested, never killed anyone or hurt anyone (except mentally, which was accidental and let's face it, humans are damned good at doing that to one another..) I've done my absolute best to keep my life together, to try to figure myself out without help, without whining about my problems (and no, venting is NOT whining, there's a fucking difference. Venting = bitching. Bitching can = whining, if you can fix your problems easily. However... yeah anyway keep reading.)
You know what really boils my piss? When you get right down fucking to it? This country's fucking morals, ideals, and manners of dealing with shit are all back asswards. Yeah. So ass backwards ASS BACKWARDS IS BACKWARDS.
We are taught to idolize the wealthy, to give more of a shit about a fucking fictional character in a TV show or a movie than about someone on the street. We are led to believe that if we do x, we get y. If we go to school, we'll do better in life. If you do well in school, you'll do better in life. But the list just keeps on going, there's no goddamn end point. If you go to school, you graduate. Then what? If you get a job, you get WHAT? If you go to school, you get WHAT? I mean, really..
It's all a fucking lie. You know what gets to me? What really fucking gets to me? In this country we care more about hollywood than we do about the fact that we're in a recession/depression, people are losing their homes and have NOWHERE TO GO, etc.. But yet we're still plagued by the idea that they should just "get off their ass and get a job". Excuse me? Uhm.. Okay. That's great and all. But when you have no roof over your head, nowhere to clean your clothes, nowhere to take a shower or store your stuff while job hunting let alone going to work, when you have to get off of work and go get either very little sleep or go deal with sociopaths or drug addicts, how is that going to help you? Eventually you will lose the job you got due to sheer fucking stress.
I grew up in a fucking motel on Walmart food. I didn't even mind it that much. It wasn't that fucking bad. Years later, I still haven't managed to get into an apartment. I have held multiple jobs since then. I worked at walmart fulltime for a year. Then I moved to Portland due to some stuff going on. Portland kinda halted me for a minute, took me a couple months to get a job, then the bank screwed me over. So I lost my job due to stress, the apartment due to money, and ended up couch surfing until I eventually moved back in with my dad. I got two jobs, and because I didn't have enough time to get into an apartment I paid weekly rent at the motel for a year, working two jobs and supporting two people. I was planning to move with someone, we had it all planned out, then something happened.
I ended up homeless. Came out here, met Jason the next day. Did my damnedest to get a job. Didn't manage to until last fall. It lasted 2 months and because of how much Fred Meyer fucked JASON over, I had to quit due to the fact that his whole department literally silently harassed me. I couldn't handle it, I literally burst into tears and RAN from the building because I just couldn't handle the way I was getting treated anymore. I have NEVER been treated that badly at a job before.
After that I went back to PAVE to get the advanced training class in business. I learned that I type 90 wpm. Tried getting a job, it didn't work, was told that I was getting kicked out of services.
Fine. Taht's fucking fine.
Didn't know I was pregnant.
We moved to Pennsylvania because I was told it'd be easier to get a job there, blah blah blah. We get there. I apply EVERYWHERE. Nope. Roommates kick us out after 3 months, we end up sleeping under a giant JESUS sign in a church on chemical-reeking gymnastics mats, averaging less than 5 hours of sleep a night. Nowhere to go during the day til we finally make it back to Portland.
I've developed a plan at this point. I am going to go to PAVE, get that work experience I was talking about with my case worker, get on medical and food stamps and try to get into an apartment. In the meantime, can Outside In help me as they did before?
No. But I'm pregnant! Good luck, go try adult services.
At that point, I almost snapped. I really, really did. So, we go down to TPI, they basically half laugh at me and half look at me with pity, and say "Yeah, good luck with that. Wait lists are 4 + months long. For single shelter. Which means when you have the baby you're back on the street."
Even though it's december??? Yep.
So, we sleep outside. Already feel like shit, depressed, stressed out. This is early sept mind you. Because I have to get up to pee a lot, I start getting stalked by a fucking pimp at night. Guy literally follows me 3 blocks asking me, shouting after me if I want to make some money. I say no, leave me alone. He says do I want to have some fun? I keep going.
That following day, we meet Mike. The guy we are staying with now. He offers us a place to crash for the night, and within 12 hours says we can stay. cool. We realize why a week and a half later. 3 days after he gets his food stamps, he runs out. He is an impulse buyer. Wants us to keep getting him shit. Goes through OUR food stamps too.
I get the job at NWPM, getting about 12 hours a week. It's good, gives me something to do during the day. We start to realize how manic bi polar Mike is. His issues are showing more and more, talking about rape and death and what he'd like to do to people, blah blah blah. He stops taking his pills.
That was in October. He starts getting even more aggressive against Jason. Jason and I are desperately trying to find an apartment. This month, I manage to help him get one through someone from Occupy Portland. It's not the greatest job, but it's something. He starts work. He hears about ACS hiring, applies. Within two days we find out that someone we know is trying to get a roommate, we get our hopes up.
We pay the guy that runs the place 50 bucks for an application fee.
Fucking calls us back today saying that because of Jason's criminal record (which is fucking NOTHING...) and our credit, he doesn't feel comfortable allowing us to live there. We go talk to his mom, who makes a comment at least 3 times about how "You made a mistake, and you're paying the consequences". My eye starts to twitch. I'm already very furious about the fact that even though I'm now 8 months pregnant, and Jason has a job, we're still not good enough for the fucking government to help us out.
So, you want to know why I support the 99%? That is fucking why. I can't do a goddamn thing. NOTHING. This is ridiculous. We care more about NASCAR and making fighter jets to "bomb the towelheads" and NO I dont think that way, we care more about Twilight and Harry Potter and fucking other stupid shit than we do about the people in our country who are doing their damnedest to get off the streets. I'm not even talking about just me here. I'm talking about in fucking general.
But no. People are taught we just have to pick ourselves up by our bootstraps, that's all, and if you don't do it you're a lazy mooch sucking off the government and the taxes of other people.
I'm sorry. I dont' fucking mind paying taxes. I don't mind paying to make sure someone else gets food on their table or a roof over their head. We need to put more fucking money into this shit than we are now, this is NOT fucking okay.
