So, I'm sure everyone's seen all this shit about the 99%. No matter what you think, if you think all the protesters are a bunch of dirty ineducated hippies who want to do nothing with their life, and want shit handed to them or not, I am one. I don't give two fucks if you think that, because I know you're dead wrong. And I am aware some people DO think that. The fact that they do annoys me to no end, but I can't even say I blame them.. I blame the society we live in for brainwashing everyone into believing things that are no longer true.
What am I referring to? Well, let's see here. I guess I'm just going to vent til it comes clear to you, because I'm just having such a backlash of mental FUCKALL that I don't really have the ability to sort it nicely. I had it all pretty and wrapped up in an angry bow on the way to the library, but with this kind of stress, it just unraveled into a giant pile of raaaaaaaaage. RAAAAAAAAAGE @_@
It's been a while since I've felt like this, because I've been doing my damnedest to hold it together. I love my son. I haven't even met the little guy yet and I can't wait to feel his hand squeezing mine. I've been trying to hold it together for him, and for myself, because I know I can. And I have done a DAMNED good job of doing so, of holding myself AND Jason together for the past year and a fucking half. However, there comes a time when you just have to rant and let it all out, and while some of you may wish I did so in other ways, that's simply not who I am. I have to vent. I have to scream to the world, and I have to make it available for those who are interested, because that's just how I am. Video games don't work for me. I suck at venting in person to people because I guess I'm either afraid of going too far, or I just get bored and stop. And it doesn't help, because I didn't get enough out. So, that's my explanation as for why I do this. Blow me if you don't like it <3
ANYWAY.
You want to know why I support the 99%? You want to know why I don't stand up for the pledge of fucking allegiance? You want to know why I love the people in this country but really have no respect for the country itself? You want to know why I get so pissed off at the media, and society in general? It's taken me the last few years to really get to understand why I get so angry, so utterly frustrated with everything that happens, and yes, I am aware there's not much I can do as an individual to change it. But that's part of what bugs me.
What bugs me is, that even though I've done nothing wrong... I've never been arrested, never killed anyone or hurt anyone (except mentally, which was accidental and let's face it, humans are damned good at doing that to one another..) I've done my absolute best to keep my life together, to try to figure myself out without help, without whining about my problems (and no, venting is NOT whining, there's a fucking difference. Venting = bitching. Bitching can = whining, if you can fix your problems easily. However... yeah anyway keep reading.)
You know what really boils my piss? When you get right down fucking to it? This country's fucking morals, ideals, and manners of dealing with shit are all back asswards. Yeah. So ass backwards ASS BACKWARDS IS BACKWARDS.
We are taught to idolize the wealthy, to give more of a shit about a fucking fictional character in a TV show or a movie than about someone on the street. We are led to believe that if we do x, we get y. If we go to school, we'll do better in life. If you do well in school, you'll do better in life. But the list just keeps on going, there's no goddamn end point. If you go to school, you graduate. Then what? If you get a job, you get WHAT? If you go to school, you get WHAT? I mean, really..
It's all a fucking lie. You know what gets to me? What really fucking gets to me? In this country we care more about hollywood than we do about the fact that we're in a recession/depression, people are losing their homes and have NOWHERE TO GO, etc.. But yet we're still plagued by the idea that they should just "get off their ass and get a job". Excuse me? Uhm.. Okay. That's great and all. But when you have no roof over your head, nowhere to clean your clothes, nowhere to take a shower or store your stuff while job hunting let alone going to work, when you have to get off of work and go get either very little sleep or go deal with sociopaths or drug addicts, how is that going to help you? Eventually you will lose the job you got due to sheer fucking stress.
I grew up in a fucking motel on Walmart food. I didn't even mind it that much. It wasn't that fucking bad. Years later, I still haven't managed to get into an apartment. I have held multiple jobs since then. I worked at walmart fulltime for a year. Then I moved to Portland due to some stuff going on. Portland kinda halted me for a minute, took me a couple months to get a job, then the bank screwed me over. So I lost my job due to stress, the apartment due to money, and ended up couch surfing until I eventually moved back in with my dad. I got two jobs, and because I didn't have enough time to get into an apartment I paid weekly rent at the motel for a year, working two jobs and supporting two people. I was planning to move with someone, we had it all planned out, then something happened.
I ended up homeless. Came out here, met Jason the next day. Did my damnedest to get a job. Didn't manage to until last fall. It lasted 2 months and because of how much Fred Meyer fucked JASON over, I had to quit due to the fact that his whole department literally silently harassed me. I couldn't handle it, I literally burst into tears and RAN from the building because I just couldn't handle the way I was getting treated anymore. I have NEVER been treated that badly at a job before.
After that I went back to PAVE to get the advanced training class in business. I learned that I type 90 wpm. Tried getting a job, it didn't work, was told that I was getting kicked out of services.
Fine. Taht's fucking fine.
Didn't know I was pregnant.
We moved to Pennsylvania because I was told it'd be easier to get a job there, blah blah blah. We get there. I apply EVERYWHERE. Nope. Roommates kick us out after 3 months, we end up sleeping under a giant JESUS sign in a church on chemical-reeking gymnastics mats, averaging less than 5 hours of sleep a night. Nowhere to go during the day til we finally make it back to Portland.
I've developed a plan at this point. I am going to go to PAVE, get that work experience I was talking about with my case worker, get on medical and food stamps and try to get into an apartment. In the meantime, can Outside In help me as they did before?
No. But I'm pregnant! Good luck, go try adult services.
At that point, I almost snapped. I really, really did. So, we go down to TPI, they basically half laugh at me and half look at me with pity, and say "Yeah, good luck with that. Wait lists are 4 + months long. For single shelter. Which means when you have the baby you're back on the street."
Even though it's december??? Yep.
So, we sleep outside. Already feel like shit, depressed, stressed out. This is early sept mind you. Because I have to get up to pee a lot, I start getting stalked by a fucking pimp at night. Guy literally follows me 3 blocks asking me, shouting after me if I want to make some money. I say no, leave me alone. He says do I want to have some fun? I keep going.
That following day, we meet Mike. The guy we are staying with now. He offers us a place to crash for the night, and within 12 hours says we can stay. cool. We realize why a week and a half later. 3 days after he gets his food stamps, he runs out. He is an impulse buyer. Wants us to keep getting him shit. Goes through OUR food stamps too.
I get the job at NWPM, getting about 12 hours a week. It's good, gives me something to do during the day. We start to realize how manic bi polar Mike is. His issues are showing more and more, talking about rape and death and what he'd like to do to people, blah blah blah. He stops taking his pills.
That was in October. He starts getting even more aggressive against Jason. Jason and I are desperately trying to find an apartment. This month, I manage to help him get one through someone from Occupy Portland. It's not the greatest job, but it's something. He starts work. He hears about ACS hiring, applies. Within two days we find out that someone we know is trying to get a roommate, we get our hopes up.
We pay the guy that runs the place 50 bucks for an application fee.
Fucking calls us back today saying that because of Jason's criminal record (which is fucking NOTHING...) and our credit, he doesn't feel comfortable allowing us to live there. We go talk to his mom, who makes a comment at least 3 times about how "You made a mistake, and you're paying the consequences". My eye starts to twitch. I'm already very furious about the fact that even though I'm now 8 months pregnant, and Jason has a job, we're still not good enough for the fucking government to help us out.
So, you want to know why I support the 99%? That is fucking why. I can't do a goddamn thing. NOTHING. This is ridiculous. We care more about NASCAR and making fighter jets to "bomb the towelheads" and NO I dont think that way, we care more about Twilight and Harry Potter and fucking other stupid shit than we do about the people in our country who are doing their damnedest to get off the streets. I'm not even talking about just me here. I'm talking about in fucking general.
But no. People are taught we just have to pick ourselves up by our bootstraps, that's all, and if you don't do it you're a lazy mooch sucking off the government and the taxes of other people.
I'm sorry. I dont' fucking mind paying taxes. I don't mind paying to make sure someone else gets food on their table or a roof over their head. We need to put more fucking money into this shit than we are now, this is NOT fucking okay.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Torchwood: Miracle Day on Humanity
I haven't watched Torchwood much before this season, so I'll give you the background I know. For Doctor Who fans, you know already that Torchwood is an offshoot of Doctor Who, so it's going to have slightly more fantasy undertones than most American TV shows. Fantasy/Sci fi really. Anyway, Torchwood is the group that tries to fix crap when the Doctor doesn't show up to save the world. As Gwen says, quite beautifully at one point, “You know, I used to wonder why the Doctor wouldn't show up sometimes. But now I think I know. Sometimes he must look down at us and see what we can do to each other and be filled with disappointment.” Or something similar, anyway.
Torchwood seems to be the more adult version of Doctor Who, with no magic phone box, and more real-world and darker problems. In this season, The Miracle occurs.. or so it seems to be at first. The Miracle is an event that occurs one day, that makes everyone more than just immortal. You simply cannot die. It's a lot like what happens to Jack before the Miracle- he lives again.. and again.. and again. You feel the deaths. You feel the pain. But you come back. At first it seems like an amazing beautiful thing.. But then the darker side of the “Miracle” shows up.
People burnt to a skeleton with eyes are still breathing. When you cut off their head they still blink. A woman was shaken by her husband, and when she didn't die, when her neck snapped, he kept shaking her because she was still alive until her brain turned into Jello... And the cops weren't allowed to do anything about it because “Attempted Murder” no longer exists when no one can die.
Then the Tea Party starts an idea. “Dead is Dead”. Basically, they think people should shun the people who should have died via heart attack, or trauma (Rex, a main character, had a pole go through his chest, it still ruptures and bleeds for at least half the season til it finally heals itself). People who should be dead will supposedly die because they are not meant to be alive. This idea mutates as the population grows and the world starts realizing problems, like the fact that there are still births and the population is still growing.. But there's no one dying to balance it out.
So, PhiCorp and some of the governments come up with these ideas for “Camps”. There are Category Ones, Category Twos and Category Threes. Category Ones I believe are the ones who should be dead, or have an illness that will kill them, like cancer.. Or have reoccuring heart attacks, like Gwen's father. They will send the category 1's to these camps and “sort out the mess”. An episode later it is discovered that the Category 1's are simply shoved in ovens and burnt to sand. A woman who was actually alive, well, and was going to go to the world with information about how people with no insurance were being “misfiled” as Category 1's was shot 4 times by the guy who ran the place, who snapped, and shoved in an oven. The man she loved had to watch her burn and record it because he couldn't save her.
Obviously, the Miracle isn't all that wonderful or beautiful. And to me, this has a lot of important connotations people should pay attention to... There are verrrrrrry obvious symbols, points, etc.. Like PhiCorp having stocked up on medication to make bank on the illness that would occur when the Miracle occurs. The fact that people without health insurance are treated as if they're dead. For a British show it really has a good point for Americans too, about how Health Care is corrupt and it's obscene how corrupt it really is. Or maybe how humans, how we have the ability as people, just like everyone else on the planet, to shut off our ability to empathize with our fellow man.
This is something I've observed myself as someone who happens to be homeless. Legally, anyway. I now have a roof over my head, but I still don't have a legal address.. and I see how people I know are treated, or people on the street are treated. I see how people think. It's pretty similar, it's a very dark, scary concept that we have the ability to just filter our mind to see individuals as part of a group.. And said group as less than we are, and thus less than human/less deserving.
This starts out in high school, I suppose, though not nearly as effectively. It mutates with age to become groups we dislike. I find myself doing it occasionally, though I know I do it less than a lot of people out there. And yes, I do see the irony in the fact that I distance myself from humanity to such a degree that I can think of people, all people, as them, and myself as me.
We're an arrogant bunch. We really are. We like thinking of ourselves as Kings of our own world. I forget some of the terminology, forgive me, I intend to go to college in the fall, but basically it has to do with the fact that every single person, every single individual person sees the same world in a different light. A different way. No two people will experience life in the same way, not even the same way on the same day. We're fucking complicated.
Due to that, we have a hard time I guess seeing our own flaws, our own failures.. Admitting that we too, make mistakes. But, that's a tale and a conversation for another time.
When we have to survive, it is very easy for us to adapt into an us or them mentality. Whether that is in terms of Category Ones and being okay with someone who accidentally tripped down a flight of stairs being shoved in an oven because “They should be dead” and “I'd rather it be them than me/mine”, or in an actual battle situation it's you vs someone that wants to kill you, it is the same effect.
Now, that also changes, the first part does anyway, with whether it's someone you personally know and care about or not. It's harder to distance yourself from someone you've gotten to know. I try to get to know as many people as I can. I obviously filter them when I realize we don't see eye to eye or we are not a good mental match for each other, but getting to know other humans enriches your own experience. And that's coming from someone with “Generalized Anxiety Disorder” according to a therapist/whatever person, and someone who knows very well she has an issue with people as a whole.
Perhaps that's why I like this show so much. I'm a very dark, blunt person when it comes to bringing about a point. I see things in imagery, and so I try to share and use examples that bring clarity. This show is very in your face about how the world would really be if something like that happened, and I think it's a good wakeup call about the health care industry.
Torchwood seems to be the more adult version of Doctor Who, with no magic phone box, and more real-world and darker problems. In this season, The Miracle occurs.. or so it seems to be at first. The Miracle is an event that occurs one day, that makes everyone more than just immortal. You simply cannot die. It's a lot like what happens to Jack before the Miracle- he lives again.. and again.. and again. You feel the deaths. You feel the pain. But you come back. At first it seems like an amazing beautiful thing.. But then the darker side of the “Miracle” shows up.
People burnt to a skeleton with eyes are still breathing. When you cut off their head they still blink. A woman was shaken by her husband, and when she didn't die, when her neck snapped, he kept shaking her because she was still alive until her brain turned into Jello... And the cops weren't allowed to do anything about it because “Attempted Murder” no longer exists when no one can die.
Then the Tea Party starts an idea. “Dead is Dead”. Basically, they think people should shun the people who should have died via heart attack, or trauma (Rex, a main character, had a pole go through his chest, it still ruptures and bleeds for at least half the season til it finally heals itself). People who should be dead will supposedly die because they are not meant to be alive. This idea mutates as the population grows and the world starts realizing problems, like the fact that there are still births and the population is still growing.. But there's no one dying to balance it out.
So, PhiCorp and some of the governments come up with these ideas for “Camps”. There are Category Ones, Category Twos and Category Threes. Category Ones I believe are the ones who should be dead, or have an illness that will kill them, like cancer.. Or have reoccuring heart attacks, like Gwen's father. They will send the category 1's to these camps and “sort out the mess”. An episode later it is discovered that the Category 1's are simply shoved in ovens and burnt to sand. A woman who was actually alive, well, and was going to go to the world with information about how people with no insurance were being “misfiled” as Category 1's was shot 4 times by the guy who ran the place, who snapped, and shoved in an oven. The man she loved had to watch her burn and record it because he couldn't save her.
Obviously, the Miracle isn't all that wonderful or beautiful. And to me, this has a lot of important connotations people should pay attention to... There are verrrrrrry obvious symbols, points, etc.. Like PhiCorp having stocked up on medication to make bank on the illness that would occur when the Miracle occurs. The fact that people without health insurance are treated as if they're dead. For a British show it really has a good point for Americans too, about how Health Care is corrupt and it's obscene how corrupt it really is. Or maybe how humans, how we have the ability as people, just like everyone else on the planet, to shut off our ability to empathize with our fellow man.
This is something I've observed myself as someone who happens to be homeless. Legally, anyway. I now have a roof over my head, but I still don't have a legal address.. and I see how people I know are treated, or people on the street are treated. I see how people think. It's pretty similar, it's a very dark, scary concept that we have the ability to just filter our mind to see individuals as part of a group.. And said group as less than we are, and thus less than human/less deserving.
This starts out in high school, I suppose, though not nearly as effectively. It mutates with age to become groups we dislike. I find myself doing it occasionally, though I know I do it less than a lot of people out there. And yes, I do see the irony in the fact that I distance myself from humanity to such a degree that I can think of people, all people, as them, and myself as me.
We're an arrogant bunch. We really are. We like thinking of ourselves as Kings of our own world. I forget some of the terminology, forgive me, I intend to go to college in the fall, but basically it has to do with the fact that every single person, every single individual person sees the same world in a different light. A different way. No two people will experience life in the same way, not even the same way on the same day. We're fucking complicated.
Due to that, we have a hard time I guess seeing our own flaws, our own failures.. Admitting that we too, make mistakes. But, that's a tale and a conversation for another time.
When we have to survive, it is very easy for us to adapt into an us or them mentality. Whether that is in terms of Category Ones and being okay with someone who accidentally tripped down a flight of stairs being shoved in an oven because “They should be dead” and “I'd rather it be them than me/mine”, or in an actual battle situation it's you vs someone that wants to kill you, it is the same effect.
Now, that also changes, the first part does anyway, with whether it's someone you personally know and care about or not. It's harder to distance yourself from someone you've gotten to know. I try to get to know as many people as I can. I obviously filter them when I realize we don't see eye to eye or we are not a good mental match for each other, but getting to know other humans enriches your own experience. And that's coming from someone with “Generalized Anxiety Disorder” according to a therapist/whatever person, and someone who knows very well she has an issue with people as a whole.
Perhaps that's why I like this show so much. I'm a very dark, blunt person when it comes to bringing about a point. I see things in imagery, and so I try to share and use examples that bring clarity. This show is very in your face about how the world would really be if something like that happened, and I think it's a good wakeup call about the health care industry.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Retirement Savings
Now, I'm going to start this off by saying a few things. Firstly, I grew up in a motel with a dad who lived... in the moment. Due to this, I began to learn how to survive by thinking of the future (I'm making it sound a bit worse than it is, I guess, but I was very stressed out about money, even at the age of 12.) I started to learn how to make very little money last me quite a while. I have subconsciously fine-tuned said skills over the years, and now I want to share some of the knowledge I've gained.
We live in very stressful times. It may get better, it may get worse, none of us really know for sure, we can only live in the moment and hope for the future. Believe me, truly, I understand. It's scary. Terrifying, if we will admit the truth to ourselves. But even still, there is hope.
I've lived in poverty for most of my life. And I do mean that as in all but a year or so. I know how to take a dollar and make it stretch. And so, here's the actual blog.
There is a retirement fund called a Roth IRA. I don't know much about these specifically, I am not going to say I am a banker... However, you can look into it for yourself. I will post the links at the bottom.
If you start out this account with 50 dollars in it, and put 1,000 dollars a year into it starting at the age of 23 (that's about 82 dollars a month or 20.50 a week) you will end up with 329,850. Using the second link, I put in the full amount at retirement of the calculations I chose, and put 20,000 dollars a year as what I'd spend at retirement. Now, with inflation it'll probably be more than that, but even with that tiny amount put away every year, you'd be able to live for 20 years.
Now, here's the thing. That's assuming you are only putting 20 dollars a week away. 40 out of your bi-weekly paycheck. That calculation, that simple calculation is assuming you only ever put that away.. Here's how I think about it, in terms of myself.
Say I were to get a job again soon (which I hope happens..) that is 8.50 an hour, 40 hours a week. I am married, so I'll pretend Jason is my roommate for those people who aren't. That will come into play in a minute or two. I did the calculations just now, and at that wage, with 15% tax taken out, (and I'm not counting the government giving it back to you at tax time) you have 1252 to play with.
Now, here's my logic on the next part. Theoretically, whether you live in the city, where most people get roommates to be able to afford anything, or you live in the suburbs/normal sized towns across the US, rent is about 600 bucks. By that I mean if you have a roommate in the city and rent is usually idk, 1200, you're forking over 600. Generally water etc is included, not counting that. For transportation (i.e. a car or public transportation monthly I'll say idk, 100 bucks a month for that. I'm leaving some room throughout all this for personal adjustments.. car insurance etc I don't know much about tbh, I don't drive. But so far you're up to 700 out of the 1252, so I'll say about another 150 or so for utilities if you're living alone and living frugally. Now you're up to 850. For basic necessities for the month, 50 bucks. (Toilet paper, paper towels, dish soap, laundry, bathroom stuff(shower)) you're up to 900. You still have 352 left to work with.
Here and there you might miss a five due to your own personal living habits, etc, but again.. Trying to be as general as possible. 352 is quite a bit. Let's just take that 85 out right now (rounding up to make things easier . That leaves you with 267.
I'm hoping you're able to keep up with my scatterbrained tendencies, sorry.. if not feel free to contact me and I'll try to explain better.
Now, if you're paid bi-weekly, here's what you are looking at. 300 for rent, give or take. 50 for transportation (bus pass or gas) 75 for utilities, 25 for necessities, and 100 for food. (I'm just going to say screw it, and give you the other 67 to play with, but you can always put that away too, or save *that* in the bank for emergency funding like losing your job.)
200 a month for food is the next thing I am going to talk about here. That's a lot of money on food. Honestly, it is. You can if you buy intelligently and can do basic cooking, live really well off that. Use coupons, stock up on pasta and rice. Get some bulk pasta sauce (like, big jars.) and parmesean. Bread and lunch meat or pb and j. Eggs, milk, if you get some of it store brand you'll be saving yourself money. Cereal, bagels even if you want. Chicken and meat.
Some tips:
-Invest in ziplock bags. Portion up the meat into serving amounts (1 chicken breast, half a lb of ground beef, etc) and freeze some.
-When you get the rice, freeze the bag for a week. Not to sound gross, but sometimes they do have eggs in them, and it's better to be safe than sorry. By freezing it for a week, it kills all the eggs. Also, keep it in a cool dry place. Above the stove is a very bad idea.
Get vegetables when you can, whatever kind you like. Salad fixings. You really can afford all of this if you aren't buying munchies and soda first. Figure out how much you'll go through of real food a month before getting soda and stuff. Stock up on rice and beans or ramen and butter and canned veggies(which often go on sale) for if you ever miscalculate.
Now, keep in mind.. You won't be working minimum wage forever. Eventually as you live your life, you will grow into better jobs with better pay, and be able to save more and use more.. So this is only a bare basics thing. You have 40 years to put money into this account. There is hope. Every day you live puts you one step closer to new experiences and new things. I guess I'm done now, feel free to comment if I left anything sort of hanging (I might have, I forgot). Most of all, good luck and stay safe. And remember.. If all else fails, you can always go for food banks.
Roth IRA Calculator: http://www.dinkytown.net/java/RothIRA.html#calc
How long your retirement will last: http://www.dinkytown.net/java/RetirementDistribution.html
We live in very stressful times. It may get better, it may get worse, none of us really know for sure, we can only live in the moment and hope for the future. Believe me, truly, I understand. It's scary. Terrifying, if we will admit the truth to ourselves. But even still, there is hope.
I've lived in poverty for most of my life. And I do mean that as in all but a year or so. I know how to take a dollar and make it stretch. And so, here's the actual blog.
There is a retirement fund called a Roth IRA. I don't know much about these specifically, I am not going to say I am a banker... However, you can look into it for yourself. I will post the links at the bottom.
If you start out this account with 50 dollars in it, and put 1,000 dollars a year into it starting at the age of 23 (that's about 82 dollars a month or 20.50 a week) you will end up with 329,850. Using the second link, I put in the full amount at retirement of the calculations I chose, and put 20,000 dollars a year as what I'd spend at retirement. Now, with inflation it'll probably be more than that, but even with that tiny amount put away every year, you'd be able to live for 20 years.
Now, here's the thing. That's assuming you are only putting 20 dollars a week away. 40 out of your bi-weekly paycheck. That calculation, that simple calculation is assuming you only ever put that away.. Here's how I think about it, in terms of myself.
Say I were to get a job again soon (which I hope happens..) that is 8.50 an hour, 40 hours a week. I am married, so I'll pretend Jason is my roommate for those people who aren't. That will come into play in a minute or two. I did the calculations just now, and at that wage, with 15% tax taken out, (and I'm not counting the government giving it back to you at tax time) you have 1252 to play with.
Now, here's my logic on the next part. Theoretically, whether you live in the city, where most people get roommates to be able to afford anything, or you live in the suburbs/normal sized towns across the US, rent is about 600 bucks. By that I mean if you have a roommate in the city and rent is usually idk, 1200, you're forking over 600. Generally water etc is included, not counting that. For transportation (i.e. a car or public transportation monthly I'll say idk, 100 bucks a month for that. I'm leaving some room throughout all this for personal adjustments.. car insurance etc I don't know much about tbh, I don't drive. But so far you're up to 700 out of the 1252, so I'll say about another 150 or so for utilities if you're living alone and living frugally. Now you're up to 850. For basic necessities for the month, 50 bucks. (Toilet paper, paper towels, dish soap, laundry, bathroom stuff(shower)) you're up to 900. You still have 352 left to work with.
Here and there you might miss a five due to your own personal living habits, etc, but again.. Trying to be as general as possible. 352 is quite a bit. Let's just take that 85 out right now (rounding up to make things easier . That leaves you with 267.
I'm hoping you're able to keep up with my scatterbrained tendencies, sorry.. if not feel free to contact me and I'll try to explain better.
Now, if you're paid bi-weekly, here's what you are looking at. 300 for rent, give or take. 50 for transportation (bus pass or gas) 75 for utilities, 25 for necessities, and 100 for food. (I'm just going to say screw it, and give you the other 67 to play with, but you can always put that away too, or save *that* in the bank for emergency funding like losing your job.)
200 a month for food is the next thing I am going to talk about here. That's a lot of money on food. Honestly, it is. You can if you buy intelligently and can do basic cooking, live really well off that. Use coupons, stock up on pasta and rice. Get some bulk pasta sauce (like, big jars.) and parmesean. Bread and lunch meat or pb and j. Eggs, milk, if you get some of it store brand you'll be saving yourself money. Cereal, bagels even if you want. Chicken and meat.
Some tips:
-Invest in ziplock bags. Portion up the meat into serving amounts (1 chicken breast, half a lb of ground beef, etc) and freeze some.
-When you get the rice, freeze the bag for a week. Not to sound gross, but sometimes they do have eggs in them, and it's better to be safe than sorry. By freezing it for a week, it kills all the eggs. Also, keep it in a cool dry place. Above the stove is a very bad idea.
Get vegetables when you can, whatever kind you like. Salad fixings. You really can afford all of this if you aren't buying munchies and soda first. Figure out how much you'll go through of real food a month before getting soda and stuff. Stock up on rice and beans or ramen and butter and canned veggies(which often go on sale) for if you ever miscalculate.
Now, keep in mind.. You won't be working minimum wage forever. Eventually as you live your life, you will grow into better jobs with better pay, and be able to save more and use more.. So this is only a bare basics thing. You have 40 years to put money into this account. There is hope. Every day you live puts you one step closer to new experiences and new things. I guess I'm done now, feel free to comment if I left anything sort of hanging (I might have, I forgot). Most of all, good luck and stay safe. And remember.. If all else fails, you can always go for food banks.
Roth IRA Calculator: http://www.dinkytown.net/java/RothIRA.html#calc
How long your retirement will last: http://www.dinkytown.net/java/RetirementDistribution.html
Friday, September 2, 2011
Not Queer Enough?
And I use the term to mean both gay and weird. Yeah, I'm saying it. I want to know why you never really hear about the people like me... I feel awkward everywhere, to be honest with you. I am comfortable enough in myself to not notice it all the time, but I realized recently that part of the reason I don't like going to SMYRC (Sexual Minority Youth Resource Center) here in portland is partially due to the amount of screaming Bieber fanboys and girls, and partially due to the fact that I feel really uncomfortable being there. Not only do they not allow straight people on property, they also seemed to have an attitude with me when I came up to them last year to sign up to be able to come hang out if I wanted to.. I told them that I don't really have a sexual preference. When they asked if I was bi, I said no.
Why? Because I'm not. I'm not bisexual, really. I suppose it may be possible for me to be attracted to a male sexually, or a female sexually, but all in all I am not a sexually oriented person. I don't identify as male or female. I identify as both and neither simultaneously.. Which sadly people don't seem to understand.
I don't get why they don't. Maybe it's because we live in such a highly sexualized world that it's perceived as strange and abnormal to be uninterested in sex.. But I'm not. I don't get aroused by seeing someone naked. In fact, it's almost the opposite. I like the male figure. I like the female figure. But the sex organs? I mean, what the fuck, man? Really? What the hell..
They look funny, on the most positive side, and creepy on the most negative. A vagina to me looks like an angry taco, sometimes with fur, sometimes bald. A penis looks like a deformed mushroom-banana mixture creation. It's not attractive. It's downright fucking weird.
That being said, I am a total fan of nude art. Note, nude art. Not pornography. I hate pornography, it's disgusting and at best just makes me want to giggle and puke at the same time. I mean, how can you look at the two bodies bouncing off each other, and flesh flailing in every direction and get aroused? I mean, really. Between breasts jiggling like floppy punching bags, and the actual appearance of the penis going into or out of the mouth.. The facial contortions people make and the fact that it's all so obviously fake, how does anyone like it??
I don't perceive myself as being male or female. I am in a female body, but that's about it.. I'm like a nongendered patron taking a ride in a human life as a female. Obviously, being pregnant makes that interesting.
I don't want to be called he or she. I don't really care. I let people call me she/her because I guess I tend to act more feminine in some ways, while in others I definitely don't. I'm too outspoken, supposedly, for one thing. I hate the idea of wearing a purse or putting on makeup. I like buying and wearing different clothes. I really like variety.
But I'm neither a he nor a she at heart, and I'm not really sexually interested in anyone. That's kind of a hard, almost mean thing for me to say. I actually feel guilty about it, at times, because I do love my husband very deeply. I'm pregnant with his child. But sex is uncomfortable for the most part for me, and I prefer hugs to kisses. But where do I stand, really? I'm not gay, bi, lesbian, or transgendered, in the true sense of the words. Where do I belong?
Why? Because I'm not. I'm not bisexual, really. I suppose it may be possible for me to be attracted to a male sexually, or a female sexually, but all in all I am not a sexually oriented person. I don't identify as male or female. I identify as both and neither simultaneously.. Which sadly people don't seem to understand.
I don't get why they don't. Maybe it's because we live in such a highly sexualized world that it's perceived as strange and abnormal to be uninterested in sex.. But I'm not. I don't get aroused by seeing someone naked. In fact, it's almost the opposite. I like the male figure. I like the female figure. But the sex organs? I mean, what the fuck, man? Really? What the hell..
They look funny, on the most positive side, and creepy on the most negative. A vagina to me looks like an angry taco, sometimes with fur, sometimes bald. A penis looks like a deformed mushroom-banana mixture creation. It's not attractive. It's downright fucking weird.
That being said, I am a total fan of nude art. Note, nude art. Not pornography. I hate pornography, it's disgusting and at best just makes me want to giggle and puke at the same time. I mean, how can you look at the two bodies bouncing off each other, and flesh flailing in every direction and get aroused? I mean, really. Between breasts jiggling like floppy punching bags, and the actual appearance of the penis going into or out of the mouth.. The facial contortions people make and the fact that it's all so obviously fake, how does anyone like it??
I don't perceive myself as being male or female. I am in a female body, but that's about it.. I'm like a nongendered patron taking a ride in a human life as a female. Obviously, being pregnant makes that interesting.
I don't want to be called he or she. I don't really care. I let people call me she/her because I guess I tend to act more feminine in some ways, while in others I definitely don't. I'm too outspoken, supposedly, for one thing. I hate the idea of wearing a purse or putting on makeup. I like buying and wearing different clothes. I really like variety.
But I'm neither a he nor a she at heart, and I'm not really sexually interested in anyone. That's kind of a hard, almost mean thing for me to say. I actually feel guilty about it, at times, because I do love my husband very deeply. I'm pregnant with his child. But sex is uncomfortable for the most part for me, and I prefer hugs to kisses. But where do I stand, really? I'm not gay, bi, lesbian, or transgendered, in the true sense of the words. Where do I belong?
Being a "Bitch"
You know... (Mind you, I am writing this with a big happy smile on my face) I actually really like it when I get called a bitch. No, really.. I do. It's a high compliment for me. I am trying to keep my own personal life off this blog, as I have a facebook for that, but.. this is something that really strikes a chord in me. A very loud, resounding chord that shakes the very air around me, in a good way. I can almost feel it vibrating on my skin. When I get called a bitch, I feel almost a wave of psychological power wash over me, in a manner of speaking.
Calling someone a bitch is not as degrading as it once was. In some contexts it is, such as with pimps etc (And I mean the literal kind, not the idiotic ghetto people who use the term to show how "cool" and "hardcore" they are..) In fact, in most cases although it is meant as an insult, if you really think of the actions/attitudes said woman took to achieve the social status of being known as a bitch, you'll notice it really just means she doesn't take any guff from anyone.
Guff. I like that word. :)
People can suck. I think everyone reading this blog has met that jackass that they really want to trip down a flight of stairs just to see them fall. Let's be honest with each other here, this is the internet, we are allowed. For that matter, I will talk directly to you, whoever you are who happens to be reading this. Humans have a tendency to immediately judge someone within moments. Sure, not everyone does this as intensely as others, but it is human nature to observe and pass judgement. It isn't even a bad thing. Not really.
I'm sure there's someone at your work who is so utterly dramatic you just can't stand them. I'm sure there's someone who shoves their nose in everyone else's business and will not let anyone around them live in peace without informing them, with all the glitz and glamour they can stuff into the words, all about someone else's life, or a situation they heard of. These people exist. I'm not sure why, personally, but they do. I don't quite understand the reasoning behind it, or why people actually like to involve themselves in other people's lives to such an extent after having passed the tender age of 13, but to each their own.
Now... When it comes right down to it, being a bitch is not putting up with people's crap. Generally, you're a bitch when you stand up for yourself, for what you believe in, and cut off the drama and lies. You're more aggressive than passive in your want to be left alone, and you tend to be very blunt with what you think about different things. You don't let society cow you. That is not something that you should ever be ashamed of. The word "Bitch"as an insult tends to be from other females who are affronted by said Bitch, or from men who have been similarly insulted/put in their place. People have quite a few tendencies. Another is getting arrogant. I will also fully admit I can be an arrogant asshole. Everyone can. However, when people have been showing signs of arrogance for a long time and have not been properly set in their place, when they finally are they do not take it very well.
I guess what I'm really saying here is, I'm not ashamed of not being passive about some things. I'll be quiet about stuff. I'll keep my mouth shut and keep to myself until you try to involve me in your drama and your, well, crap, but I am not ashamed that I will get outspoken and stand up for myself, my opinions, and try to show honesty.. Even if it means pointing out when someone is lying or exaggerating.
Where did this entire thought come from? I re-met someone I haven't seen in over 6 months who I never really talked to before, and she said that I'm apparently "less of a bitch"now. I think in all honesty all it really took was getting to know me. Try to get to know that bitch who seems like this. Some bitches are just more vicious versions of the drama queen, but the quiet ones often aren't. I can't tell you how many bitches I'm proud to be friends with.
Calling someone a bitch is not as degrading as it once was. In some contexts it is, such as with pimps etc (And I mean the literal kind, not the idiotic ghetto people who use the term to show how "cool" and "hardcore" they are..) In fact, in most cases although it is meant as an insult, if you really think of the actions/attitudes said woman took to achieve the social status of being known as a bitch, you'll notice it really just means she doesn't take any guff from anyone.
Guff. I like that word. :)
People can suck. I think everyone reading this blog has met that jackass that they really want to trip down a flight of stairs just to see them fall. Let's be honest with each other here, this is the internet, we are allowed. For that matter, I will talk directly to you, whoever you are who happens to be reading this. Humans have a tendency to immediately judge someone within moments. Sure, not everyone does this as intensely as others, but it is human nature to observe and pass judgement. It isn't even a bad thing. Not really.
I'm sure there's someone at your work who is so utterly dramatic you just can't stand them. I'm sure there's someone who shoves their nose in everyone else's business and will not let anyone around them live in peace without informing them, with all the glitz and glamour they can stuff into the words, all about someone else's life, or a situation they heard of. These people exist. I'm not sure why, personally, but they do. I don't quite understand the reasoning behind it, or why people actually like to involve themselves in other people's lives to such an extent after having passed the tender age of 13, but to each their own.
Now... When it comes right down to it, being a bitch is not putting up with people's crap. Generally, you're a bitch when you stand up for yourself, for what you believe in, and cut off the drama and lies. You're more aggressive than passive in your want to be left alone, and you tend to be very blunt with what you think about different things. You don't let society cow you. That is not something that you should ever be ashamed of. The word "Bitch"as an insult tends to be from other females who are affronted by said Bitch, or from men who have been similarly insulted/put in their place. People have quite a few tendencies. Another is getting arrogant. I will also fully admit I can be an arrogant asshole. Everyone can. However, when people have been showing signs of arrogance for a long time and have not been properly set in their place, when they finally are they do not take it very well.
I guess what I'm really saying here is, I'm not ashamed of not being passive about some things. I'll be quiet about stuff. I'll keep my mouth shut and keep to myself until you try to involve me in your drama and your, well, crap, but I am not ashamed that I will get outspoken and stand up for myself, my opinions, and try to show honesty.. Even if it means pointing out when someone is lying or exaggerating.
Where did this entire thought come from? I re-met someone I haven't seen in over 6 months who I never really talked to before, and she said that I'm apparently "less of a bitch"now. I think in all honesty all it really took was getting to know me. Try to get to know that bitch who seems like this. Some bitches are just more vicious versions of the drama queen, but the quiet ones often aren't. I can't tell you how many bitches I'm proud to be friends with.
Monday, August 29, 2011
That is utterly appalling.
Just got back into downtown today. Found out that there's a 30 person wait list for case management at Outside In (the youth homeless program in Downtown Portland). Found out we can't even get into the shelter as emergency cases or get emergency nights anymore because we aren't even in the system.
So can someone tell me why, when we live in the 21st century, people don't give a shit about the homeless? Nothing has been done about this. No new shelters have been implemented. Outside In can't afford the staff for their caseload. And nothing. Not one fucking thing is being done about it?
I'm 5 and 1/2 months pregnant, approximately. Due December 28th. And unless a miracle happens I'll be sleeping outside tonight under a bridge somewhere in the rain, because no one gives two shits about the homeless enough to make a real difference. WHY? It's a very simple question, why will no one answer me? Why don't people care about this? Why is nothing being done? Why is it that in one of the most homeless friendly cities in the country, I am having to sleep outside even though I'm not a drug addict, if I took a urine test it would be like, passing with a fucking rainbow, and I HAVE A GODDAMN PLAN?
Why are there only 30 beds in the emergency shelter for youth? Why does no one fucking give a shit? I wouldn't normally swear but this is really making me livid.
So can someone tell me why, when we live in the 21st century, people don't give a shit about the homeless? Nothing has been done about this. No new shelters have been implemented. Outside In can't afford the staff for their caseload. And nothing. Not one fucking thing is being done about it?
I'm 5 and 1/2 months pregnant, approximately. Due December 28th. And unless a miracle happens I'll be sleeping outside tonight under a bridge somewhere in the rain, because no one gives two shits about the homeless enough to make a real difference. WHY? It's a very simple question, why will no one answer me? Why don't people care about this? Why is nothing being done? Why is it that in one of the most homeless friendly cities in the country, I am having to sleep outside even though I'm not a drug addict, if I took a urine test it would be like, passing with a fucking rainbow, and I HAVE A GODDAMN PLAN?
Why are there only 30 beds in the emergency shelter for youth? Why does no one fucking give a shit? I wouldn't normally swear but this is really making me livid.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Business Idea...
Well, to me it is a business idea. I guess it could be considered many things. See, I've had a craving lately, and not for food. A craving to create. Perhaps it's because my own life has been so utterly chaotic these last few years, I want to make myself a little bit of order to maintain my sanity. Who knows. Anyway, I got thinking, because I am of an activist/caring/fiery mind, about all the people I've met, out here and in Portland, who are homeless, feel worthless, but yet can make or do amazing, beautiful things... and just don't think about it.
I type 90 wpm. I'm also almost 6 months pregnant. I made a very stupid choice in who I listened to, and came out here regardless of different (though no better..) options. Well, I learned my lesson. And due to other things that happened, Jason's parents were good enough to spend quite a bit of money to help him and I out.. We now owe them 500 dollars. Totally understandable, though it makes me no less irritated at the circumstances in which I owe them said money, but that's a personal matter and doesn't belong here.
Anyway, I started thinking of all the homeless youth and people who feel worthless, because psychologically it's extremely traumatizing and degrading. Even the strongest in spirit will eventually be worn down. And many people I've met are amazing artists, or good with crafting, or like to knit or paint or whatever. Well, I have a proposition for them. It's going to just be a Portland thing (unless I guess other people want to donate stuff to be sold and I could use the profits to buy supplies? o_O Only reason I'm throwing that out there is I've had some unexpected offers of late and it's opening my mind to possibilities once again.)
I'm going to get some yarn and some needles and start working on a baby blanket, seeing as I'm due December 28th. But, I'm also going to start making bracelets and scarves and anklets and wrist/forearm warmers, and I'm going to start selling them. I'm going to share any materials I get that I can with other people who are interested in starting this with me, and I'll sit down by saturday market with a piece of paper and sell everything I can. I'll keep track of how much people want for x item, and I will be able to tell customers about the person who made the item, because this does tie in with Project Identity. The homeless are people too. We still have feelings, we still have desires, we still have dreams and yearnings and characteristics as individuals.
You don't lose your humanity because you're poor.
Anyway, I'm going to try to expand this.. See who all I can get interested in it, get people to teach each other how to do things. I can knit (very basically) and I know how to do macrame.. I'll take paintings and jewelry etc as well. I'm actually also hoping to get connected with a way to make stickers for cheap so I can sell them, I have a good idea for what I want it to say.
All proceeds will go back to the person who made the item, and people can donate either gift cards or cash that will go to supplies only. None of the people I get this for will be buying hard drugs with it. Period. I'll handle the gift cards/supplies, and we can do meetups in the Park Blocks or something, we can figure it out. :) I hope people like this idea, I know I do. Eventually I want to have this be a booth or a website I can do too. :)
I type 90 wpm. I'm also almost 6 months pregnant. I made a very stupid choice in who I listened to, and came out here regardless of different (though no better..) options. Well, I learned my lesson. And due to other things that happened, Jason's parents were good enough to spend quite a bit of money to help him and I out.. We now owe them 500 dollars. Totally understandable, though it makes me no less irritated at the circumstances in which I owe them said money, but that's a personal matter and doesn't belong here.
Anyway, I started thinking of all the homeless youth and people who feel worthless, because psychologically it's extremely traumatizing and degrading. Even the strongest in spirit will eventually be worn down. And many people I've met are amazing artists, or good with crafting, or like to knit or paint or whatever. Well, I have a proposition for them. It's going to just be a Portland thing (unless I guess other people want to donate stuff to be sold and I could use the profits to buy supplies? o_O Only reason I'm throwing that out there is I've had some unexpected offers of late and it's opening my mind to possibilities once again.)
I'm going to get some yarn and some needles and start working on a baby blanket, seeing as I'm due December 28th. But, I'm also going to start making bracelets and scarves and anklets and wrist/forearm warmers, and I'm going to start selling them. I'm going to share any materials I get that I can with other people who are interested in starting this with me, and I'll sit down by saturday market with a piece of paper and sell everything I can. I'll keep track of how much people want for x item, and I will be able to tell customers about the person who made the item, because this does tie in with Project Identity. The homeless are people too. We still have feelings, we still have desires, we still have dreams and yearnings and characteristics as individuals.
You don't lose your humanity because you're poor.
Anyway, I'm going to try to expand this.. See who all I can get interested in it, get people to teach each other how to do things. I can knit (very basically) and I know how to do macrame.. I'll take paintings and jewelry etc as well. I'm actually also hoping to get connected with a way to make stickers for cheap so I can sell them, I have a good idea for what I want it to say.
All proceeds will go back to the person who made the item, and people can donate either gift cards or cash that will go to supplies only. None of the people I get this for will be buying hard drugs with it. Period. I'll handle the gift cards/supplies, and we can do meetups in the Park Blocks or something, we can figure it out. :) I hope people like this idea, I know I do. Eventually I want to have this be a booth or a website I can do too. :)
Thursday, August 18, 2011
A Shout-Out/Thank You
This is more along a personal line, and I won't be going into too much detail as to what happened/how I'm feeling otherwise, but this is a thank you.
To all my friends who've stood by my side, and wished me well in this troubled time, and those who have sent what they could, and those who couldn't afford it. For those of you who hope for the best for me, and are sending positive thoughts, I just wanted to say thank you, from the bottom of my heart. The overwhelming generosity and kindness of people I "barely know" is astounding, and is slowly restoring my tattered faith in humanity. No, I'm not being melodramatic, I do have issues with people in general, and the simple fact of all the offers I've received of getting care packages sent back to Portland where I can receive them, and people saying they'd let me stay there if they had a place/lived near me/could/etc.. All the people who are boosting my spirits when I need it the most I wanted to say thank you, in the most profound way I can.
I can't tell you what it means to me to have people treat me as if I am a good person, a person deserving of respect and kindness and compliments.. I try to be a good person, as best I can, and I try to deal with my issues as best I can, and sometimes I fail. Sometimes I mess up. But.. It's nice to know that people out there see me trying, and see me for who I am, for who I am doing my best to be.
So, thank you. Thank you for the overwhelming support I've received, from people I didn't even know read my statuses. Thank you for caring. :) *hugs* You're really helping, emotionally as well as financially, hahahaha.
To all my friends who've stood by my side, and wished me well in this troubled time, and those who have sent what they could, and those who couldn't afford it. For those of you who hope for the best for me, and are sending positive thoughts, I just wanted to say thank you, from the bottom of my heart. The overwhelming generosity and kindness of people I "barely know" is astounding, and is slowly restoring my tattered faith in humanity. No, I'm not being melodramatic, I do have issues with people in general, and the simple fact of all the offers I've received of getting care packages sent back to Portland where I can receive them, and people saying they'd let me stay there if they had a place/lived near me/could/etc.. All the people who are boosting my spirits when I need it the most I wanted to say thank you, in the most profound way I can.
I can't tell you what it means to me to have people treat me as if I am a good person, a person deserving of respect and kindness and compliments.. I try to be a good person, as best I can, and I try to deal with my issues as best I can, and sometimes I fail. Sometimes I mess up. But.. It's nice to know that people out there see me trying, and see me for who I am, for who I am doing my best to be.
So, thank you. Thank you for the overwhelming support I've received, from people I didn't even know read my statuses. Thank you for caring. :) *hugs* You're really helping, emotionally as well as financially, hahahaha.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
New, New, New!!!
I'm starting a website soon (well, when I can afford it). I am very serious about my photography, and I want to grow as a person out in the world/workforce. I want to make a name for myself. I'm 5 months pregnant and have 4 months to get an apartment. Soon I am moving back to the only place I've ever felt at home. Portland, Oregon. It struck me just this morning, to wonder if real estate agents etc ever hire photographers to take good pictures. To be able to sell a good house, you have to see/show a good house. You want unique pictures that will capture the interest of the potential buyers. That goes with everything from people, to ideas, to products, to just plain beauty.
Here is my plan thus far. I get there August 24th. The very next day I am going to Outside In at 9 am and asking very politely and firmly to get signed up for case management again. I need to get back on Streetlight's wait list so I can have stable housing for my child. I am going to work with them to see if they can help me get a part time job so I can save up money. I am going to work on my photography more. I am going to start my website, and this blog will be moved there as soon as it is up. The website will be primarily focused on my blog, my photography, and activism I am taking part in (Primarily homelessness, poverty, food needs, etc)
I am a professional. I am 23 years old, and I am going to make a name for myself. :)
Here is my plan thus far. I get there August 24th. The very next day I am going to Outside In at 9 am and asking very politely and firmly to get signed up for case management again. I need to get back on Streetlight's wait list so I can have stable housing for my child. I am going to work with them to see if they can help me get a part time job so I can save up money. I am going to work on my photography more. I am going to start my website, and this blog will be moved there as soon as it is up. The website will be primarily focused on my blog, my photography, and activism I am taking part in (Primarily homelessness, poverty, food needs, etc)
I am a professional. I am 23 years old, and I am going to make a name for myself. :)
Thursday, July 28, 2011
It's true, but it's not okay.
This is one of those things that just really, really sets me off. Our entire society is so cutthroat, that it doesn't care about the lowest on the financial totem pole. "They brought it upon themselves". "They're too lazy". "They're screwing the system". No, that's not true.. Not really. Getting screwed by the system and by other people is what got them to that point. Can someone please tell me why it is, that we just sit back and watch the massive corporations who are leeching off our life get away with crazy shit? I mean... Okay.
For example.. Did you know it costs about .0052 cents for the concentrate to make a glass of soda? At McDonalds, it's what, at least a dollar for one. Major profit margin there. I get the point of it, it helps the places pay for electricity etc, but still.. I mean, how much does it really cost to MAKE this shit we have to buy? (Not soda, you don't HAVE to buy soda).
It's totally okay for corporations to be utterly cutthroat and not give a shit about their own employees. Oh, minimum wage went up? Okay, cut hours, try to get rid of some people making more so we can pay them less. And we don't fight this. The government doesn't care. Why? Why is it okay that minimum wage, if you're living alone, doesn't cover rent and food? At most places in most cities, you have to make at least twice or 3x the rent.
Minimum wage doesn't garauntee that for people who work at McDonalds or any job like that where the hours are flexible. Why do we just sit idly by and just.. let it happen???
When they moved all the jobs overseas because of minimum wage going up, I really think they should have had some sort of "punishment tax" because of it. We lost a LOT of jobs that way. And what really pisses me off is, the American people don't seem to care enough to do anything about it. Is it because they don't know how, or where to start? Or do they feel like it's useless to bother??
Why does it seem like so few people care about this? About things like this? Yeah, it happens. Minimum wage goes up, so they lose a little bit of profit. It's not like they can't afford it. Ugh. It really, utterly sickens me.
For example.. Did you know it costs about .0052 cents for the concentrate to make a glass of soda? At McDonalds, it's what, at least a dollar for one. Major profit margin there. I get the point of it, it helps the places pay for electricity etc, but still.. I mean, how much does it really cost to MAKE this shit we have to buy? (Not soda, you don't HAVE to buy soda).
It's totally okay for corporations to be utterly cutthroat and not give a shit about their own employees. Oh, minimum wage went up? Okay, cut hours, try to get rid of some people making more so we can pay them less. And we don't fight this. The government doesn't care. Why? Why is it okay that minimum wage, if you're living alone, doesn't cover rent and food? At most places in most cities, you have to make at least twice or 3x the rent.
Minimum wage doesn't garauntee that for people who work at McDonalds or any job like that where the hours are flexible. Why do we just sit idly by and just.. let it happen???
When they moved all the jobs overseas because of minimum wage going up, I really think they should have had some sort of "punishment tax" because of it. We lost a LOT of jobs that way. And what really pisses me off is, the American people don't seem to care enough to do anything about it. Is it because they don't know how, or where to start? Or do they feel like it's useless to bother??
Why does it seem like so few people care about this? About things like this? Yeah, it happens. Minimum wage goes up, so they lose a little bit of profit. It's not like they can't afford it. Ugh. It really, utterly sickens me.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
I'll tell you the truth, Internet Dwellers..
I'm very worried. Financially, for myself and a lot of people in this country I've never even met. Friends I've had and had to leave behind, little pieces of me left with them. I carry a piece of them with me, but that's a thought for another blog, another day. Today I've got to get something off my chest.
I'm am scared. There, I said it. Me, who's been through so much crap for so long, who grew up in a motel room, who was literally homeless for a year, who's lived with sociopaths of many different arrays of psychosis, am actually scared. I'll go into my situation first, then why I'm scared for other people later. But I really need to talk about this.
It's my own fault, really. I don't consider it a bad thing, but the pregnancy wasn't exactly expected. I've been running, trying to find the green pasture, trying to find home. That feeling I've never really felt before except in my mind. That feeling of welcome, of knowing you belong. The closest I've found are Canandaigua, NY and Portland, Oregon. But that's not the point.
I guess I'm still beating around the bush about it even though I'm trying to make myself say it. I've been running for a long damn time, and I am scared.. because now I've run back to where it all started, and I have nothing. Literally, just the items I bring with me, whatever cash I have (less than 50 bucks) and a great deal of hope and inner strength. I have nowhere to go, after two weeks. My dad's giving us a place for two weeks, after that we need to find a place. I won't be able to get on TANF until I'm 6 months, approximately Sept 15thish. So, for the first time I will be actually worried. I'm 4.5 months pregnant right now, almost 5. And I won't have a solid place to stay. My dad can't afford it, and he's too far away from any decent jobs anyway, and my mom gets help from the government so that'd be pointless. I don't know what to do. I've grown up so much, become an entirely different person but at the core is still the scared me, not knowing what to do.
I'm going to have to hit churches and hope for the best, because Jason and I will get split up at shelters, if there even are any in Canandaigua. I just want a home. Stability. You know?
It's not just me I'm scared for though. The lower class is getting hit hard by all this financial bullshit, and it's only going to get worse.. Because of all the layoffs, more people are sliding downhill financially, and it really worries me.. Unless something changes, I only see bad things happening. I wish the rich would get their heads out of their ass and see people like me as people for once.
I'm am scared. There, I said it. Me, who's been through so much crap for so long, who grew up in a motel room, who was literally homeless for a year, who's lived with sociopaths of many different arrays of psychosis, am actually scared. I'll go into my situation first, then why I'm scared for other people later. But I really need to talk about this.
It's my own fault, really. I don't consider it a bad thing, but the pregnancy wasn't exactly expected. I've been running, trying to find the green pasture, trying to find home. That feeling I've never really felt before except in my mind. That feeling of welcome, of knowing you belong. The closest I've found are Canandaigua, NY and Portland, Oregon. But that's not the point.
I guess I'm still beating around the bush about it even though I'm trying to make myself say it. I've been running for a long damn time, and I am scared.. because now I've run back to where it all started, and I have nothing. Literally, just the items I bring with me, whatever cash I have (less than 50 bucks) and a great deal of hope and inner strength. I have nowhere to go, after two weeks. My dad's giving us a place for two weeks, after that we need to find a place. I won't be able to get on TANF until I'm 6 months, approximately Sept 15thish. So, for the first time I will be actually worried. I'm 4.5 months pregnant right now, almost 5. And I won't have a solid place to stay. My dad can't afford it, and he's too far away from any decent jobs anyway, and my mom gets help from the government so that'd be pointless. I don't know what to do. I've grown up so much, become an entirely different person but at the core is still the scared me, not knowing what to do.
I'm going to have to hit churches and hope for the best, because Jason and I will get split up at shelters, if there even are any in Canandaigua. I just want a home. Stability. You know?
It's not just me I'm scared for though. The lower class is getting hit hard by all this financial bullshit, and it's only going to get worse.. Because of all the layoffs, more people are sliding downhill financially, and it really worries me.. Unless something changes, I only see bad things happening. I wish the rich would get their heads out of their ass and see people like me as people for once.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Sleep Psychosis?
I'm going to describe something to you guys the best that I can, in hopes that people at least are more understanding or someone may KNOW what I'm talking about.
It's been an issue since I lived in that apartment in Wilsonville, the really tiny one with all the mold? Allow me to attempt to explain.
When I sleep and am woken up ineffectively- that is, I am woken up but not ALERT, it sort of piles up. It happens occasionally and is beginning to happen more frequently and I'm getting worried. Hell, maybe I should try using an example.
Example 1: Last night.
I went to sleep with a slightly dry mouth and kept getting "woken up" by Jason. When I'm asleep, if someone drops their arm over me, or nudges into me, etc, it will "wake me up". And not in a good way, I get bitchy about it. In this state I am sleep deprived so I tend to come off as whiny because I'm really annoyed and unhappy and just want sleep. That is my primal thought at this phase. However, when I keep getting woken up, I am conscious enough to realize that for example, Jason was waking me up in HIS sleep so I had to wake him up so he would stop talking to himself and moaning and inadvertantly elbowing me in his sleep. He got bitchy at me and while he was actually awake said something about "When you want to fix our marriage, let me know". In that state, that's not gonna sink in, bad idea. I just laughed in a dark way and said I just want some fucking SLEEP. Note, at this point I had been "woken up" every half hour for the past 3 hours. It was 4 am. I remember saying something to Jason who kept insisting on having a conversation with me to shut up because I didn't want to wake up Taby and Jake.
Now.. Okay. I *think* what the issue here is is that my brain gets stuck in between "the real world" and "the dream" in this nightmare phase. I even tried explaining it to Jason last night what the "dream nightmare world" was in an attempt to explain that I think there's a serious problem and he just laughed at me.
It's terrifying BECAUSE It's so simple and so real. When I am in that state, the dream is real to me and I'm trapped in it even when I'm awake and talking to you. I might be able to do some shit like go to the bathroom or shake you awake or answer questions, but nothing cuts through. Nothing. It's generally the same dream feeling too, the same general idea.. Being trapped and overwhelmed with SOMETHING. Last night it was cake.
No... Really. The entire world in my dream, at least where I was, was filled with cake. It wasn't organized, just.. mixed together. Everywhere. I had a dry mouth and couldn't get rid of it, even though I tried. The walls were cake, the ceiling was cake, everything was cake. It wasn't the cake necessarily that was terrifying, it was the fact that I couldn't make it go away. I couldn't wake myself up even when talking to Jason, it was still there in my head, I still felt like I was surrounded by it. In the end the only thing that woke me up at all was when Jason turned the light on and pitched a bitch fit about me being bitchy about him taking the blanket.
This isn't the only time it happened. What worries me is that in this state I am not myself. In one of these in NY when I was living with ex roommates, one of whom was a cutter, I almost self mutilated. Which for anyone who knows me is extremely, extremely odd. That was a waking one, I wrote on a piece of paper all kinds of crazy shit and in different angles etc and in the center was FIND THE SQUARE. The only thing that I could focus on was finding the square, and I couldn't find one so I almost cut a square into my arm so I'd always have it. -_-
Now, you tell me cake isn't fucking creepy.
In all seriousness though, that really scares me. I'm going to attempt to go back to sleep for a little bit. I'll expand on this later.
It's been an issue since I lived in that apartment in Wilsonville, the really tiny one with all the mold? Allow me to attempt to explain.
When I sleep and am woken up ineffectively- that is, I am woken up but not ALERT, it sort of piles up. It happens occasionally and is beginning to happen more frequently and I'm getting worried. Hell, maybe I should try using an example.
Example 1: Last night.
I went to sleep with a slightly dry mouth and kept getting "woken up" by Jason. When I'm asleep, if someone drops their arm over me, or nudges into me, etc, it will "wake me up". And not in a good way, I get bitchy about it. In this state I am sleep deprived so I tend to come off as whiny because I'm really annoyed and unhappy and just want sleep. That is my primal thought at this phase. However, when I keep getting woken up, I am conscious enough to realize that for example, Jason was waking me up in HIS sleep so I had to wake him up so he would stop talking to himself and moaning and inadvertantly elbowing me in his sleep. He got bitchy at me and while he was actually awake said something about "When you want to fix our marriage, let me know". In that state, that's not gonna sink in, bad idea. I just laughed in a dark way and said I just want some fucking SLEEP. Note, at this point I had been "woken up" every half hour for the past 3 hours. It was 4 am. I remember saying something to Jason who kept insisting on having a conversation with me to shut up because I didn't want to wake up Taby and Jake.
Now.. Okay. I *think* what the issue here is is that my brain gets stuck in between "the real world" and "the dream" in this nightmare phase. I even tried explaining it to Jason last night what the "dream nightmare world" was in an attempt to explain that I think there's a serious problem and he just laughed at me.
It's terrifying BECAUSE It's so simple and so real. When I am in that state, the dream is real to me and I'm trapped in it even when I'm awake and talking to you. I might be able to do some shit like go to the bathroom or shake you awake or answer questions, but nothing cuts through. Nothing. It's generally the same dream feeling too, the same general idea.. Being trapped and overwhelmed with SOMETHING. Last night it was cake.
No... Really. The entire world in my dream, at least where I was, was filled with cake. It wasn't organized, just.. mixed together. Everywhere. I had a dry mouth and couldn't get rid of it, even though I tried. The walls were cake, the ceiling was cake, everything was cake. It wasn't the cake necessarily that was terrifying, it was the fact that I couldn't make it go away. I couldn't wake myself up even when talking to Jason, it was still there in my head, I still felt like I was surrounded by it. In the end the only thing that woke me up at all was when Jason turned the light on and pitched a bitch fit about me being bitchy about him taking the blanket.
This isn't the only time it happened. What worries me is that in this state I am not myself. In one of these in NY when I was living with ex roommates, one of whom was a cutter, I almost self mutilated. Which for anyone who knows me is extremely, extremely odd. That was a waking one, I wrote on a piece of paper all kinds of crazy shit and in different angles etc and in the center was FIND THE SQUARE. The only thing that I could focus on was finding the square, and I couldn't find one so I almost cut a square into my arm so I'd always have it. -_-
Now, you tell me cake isn't fucking creepy.
In all seriousness though, that really scares me. I'm going to attempt to go back to sleep for a little bit. I'll expand on this later.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Activism, ACTIVATE!
Attempt two at typing this beast out -___- Facebook, fuck you.
ANYWAY. Onto my regularly scheduled programming.
I posted a note on facebook the other day about wanting to start a food bank drive, and got some good responses from friends supporting my idea. Then, I went on Pepsi Refresh's website because I had some "Power Vote" bottle caps and decided to try it that way. I liked what I found. I voted for a fund to help get some people in a community somewhere food. Hell yeah, I'm into that.
You see, I've been one of those people who falls between the cracks semifrequently my entire life. When I was in middle and high school I got free lunches, until my last two years when it was reduced cost (25 cents for your first time in line, 50 for the second I think it was). I was one of those kids who gets a trash bag of stuffed animals and stuff for Christmas. My mom was too poor one year to afford presents for me (my parents are split up, I'd visit her every Sunday. We didn't get along too well, so I took some time away from her a couple years later that I feel guilty about, but that's a personal story for another time on another blog.)
Anyway, I've been the person who lives in the crack in the system. I should have been on food stamps when I was living in Oregon the first time, in Ohio, in Texas, and in NY. I should have gone to food banks, and I didn't even know it applied to me. In fact, in some cases it didn't.. in two of those cases I was living there illegally.
I've been homeless. I've slept outside in the cold, and found out I'm one of the few people that really has a hard, HARD time doing it- I have a bladder issue apparently due to stress and a poor diet (I don't have it anymore, ever since I am no longer homeless it's disappeared) that would wake me up every two hours having to pee because I was cold. I peed in a cup outside more times than I can count. HAVING TO is different than choosing to, let me tell you.. I didn't want to walk the 12 blocks to the nearest public restroom because at 3 am I'd have to walk by the junkies etc and that bathroom was hardly sanitary.. it was near the "Rough" part of town- and that's someone who's been homeless saying it.
Anyway, I've been cold. I've been hungry. And I want to at least give back in my life to make other people's lives better. Not because I feel like I have to karmically to rebalance the few good things I received. No. Not really that at all. In fact, it's the same reason I have a tendency to compliment people on their outfit. I do it to a random stranger a day, when I'm outside. I compliment their shirt, or their hair, or whatever I genuinely like about their attire when I'm going on my way. Not every reaction is a good one, sometimes people give you strange looks, but it's worth it for the ones whose eyes light up.
In 9th grade, I had someone tell me I actually stopped her from killing herself because of a five minute conversation in Biology. FIVE MINUTES. Just talking to someone and making them feel like a person can help
It's really amazing what little bits will add up to. I want to just.. make some people's lives better. Not because I feel it's a duty. Because I feel like it's an honor, it's something WORTH doing. I'm not saying I don't want to have wealth of my own. I do. But I still want to give back to people who have so little, because I know what it's like, and it actually hurts me in some ways to see people suffering. People I know, and people I don't. It happens in this country all the time.. The lower tier of society's poverty stricken "middle" class (which is not so much middle as poor, really) and the lower class, which I hate the term of because it makes you seem like you're a lesser person though you have to go through more, is very at risk for becoming homeless themselves.
The homeless numbers are swelling, which is putting strain on the economy even more.. It is a giant mess. Little things help.
Like... I want to start food drives for food banks. Just at local grocery stores, I want to have like.. Giant gaylords (They're these huuuuge boxes that are on pallets) full of cans and stuff to donate. It might be better to do it separately, but that's not the point. The point is, I want to give back, and try to convince people that giving back isn't just something you do because you feel you have to... Think about the person whose day you're making better. Whose week, year even, because when they needed it most, they were able to get a week's worth of food.
I want to do clothing drives and blanket making drives for the homeless. I want to do my best to help, with what I can
It'll take me a while, because currently my own housing is not the most secure, but still.. Someday, I do want to, and WILL change the world. Even if it is just my own corner of it.
ANYWAY. Onto my regularly scheduled programming.
I posted a note on facebook the other day about wanting to start a food bank drive, and got some good responses from friends supporting my idea. Then, I went on Pepsi Refresh's website because I had some "Power Vote" bottle caps and decided to try it that way. I liked what I found. I voted for a fund to help get some people in a community somewhere food. Hell yeah, I'm into that.
You see, I've been one of those people who falls between the cracks semifrequently my entire life. When I was in middle and high school I got free lunches, until my last two years when it was reduced cost (25 cents for your first time in line, 50 for the second I think it was). I was one of those kids who gets a trash bag of stuffed animals and stuff for Christmas. My mom was too poor one year to afford presents for me (my parents are split up, I'd visit her every Sunday. We didn't get along too well, so I took some time away from her a couple years later that I feel guilty about, but that's a personal story for another time on another blog.)
Anyway, I've been the person who lives in the crack in the system. I should have been on food stamps when I was living in Oregon the first time, in Ohio, in Texas, and in NY. I should have gone to food banks, and I didn't even know it applied to me. In fact, in some cases it didn't.. in two of those cases I was living there illegally.
I've been homeless. I've slept outside in the cold, and found out I'm one of the few people that really has a hard, HARD time doing it- I have a bladder issue apparently due to stress and a poor diet (I don't have it anymore, ever since I am no longer homeless it's disappeared) that would wake me up every two hours having to pee because I was cold. I peed in a cup outside more times than I can count. HAVING TO is different than choosing to, let me tell you.. I didn't want to walk the 12 blocks to the nearest public restroom because at 3 am I'd have to walk by the junkies etc and that bathroom was hardly sanitary.. it was near the "Rough" part of town- and that's someone who's been homeless saying it.
Anyway, I've been cold. I've been hungry. And I want to at least give back in my life to make other people's lives better. Not because I feel like I have to karmically to rebalance the few good things I received. No. Not really that at all. In fact, it's the same reason I have a tendency to compliment people on their outfit. I do it to a random stranger a day, when I'm outside. I compliment their shirt, or their hair, or whatever I genuinely like about their attire when I'm going on my way. Not every reaction is a good one, sometimes people give you strange looks, but it's worth it for the ones whose eyes light up.
In 9th grade, I had someone tell me I actually stopped her from killing herself because of a five minute conversation in Biology. FIVE MINUTES. Just talking to someone and making them feel like a person can help
It's really amazing what little bits will add up to. I want to just.. make some people's lives better. Not because I feel it's a duty. Because I feel like it's an honor, it's something WORTH doing. I'm not saying I don't want to have wealth of my own. I do. But I still want to give back to people who have so little, because I know what it's like, and it actually hurts me in some ways to see people suffering. People I know, and people I don't. It happens in this country all the time.. The lower tier of society's poverty stricken "middle" class (which is not so much middle as poor, really) and the lower class, which I hate the term of because it makes you seem like you're a lesser person though you have to go through more, is very at risk for becoming homeless themselves.
The homeless numbers are swelling, which is putting strain on the economy even more.. It is a giant mess. Little things help.
Like... I want to start food drives for food banks. Just at local grocery stores, I want to have like.. Giant gaylords (They're these huuuuge boxes that are on pallets) full of cans and stuff to donate. It might be better to do it separately, but that's not the point. The point is, I want to give back, and try to convince people that giving back isn't just something you do because you feel you have to... Think about the person whose day you're making better. Whose week, year even, because when they needed it most, they were able to get a week's worth of food.
I want to do clothing drives and blanket making drives for the homeless. I want to do my best to help, with what I can
It'll take me a while, because currently my own housing is not the most secure, but still.. Someday, I do want to, and WILL change the world. Even if it is just my own corner of it.
Solitary Needs and Relationships
My husband just got back two hours ago. However, I immediately shelled up rather than doing the "normal" thing and holding the husband who's been gone for a month. I'm a very solitary creature. When I want to be left alone I WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE. That's made worse by the fact that I don't have a private space. I've always wanted one, and grew up MOSTLY with one. My dad only came into my room to bitch at me, that was really it. It was MY space, even if it was only so due to a curtain draped across the whole room giving an illusion of privacy.
Now, I find myself struggling. I love my husband very much but we're two very different people. I'm actually wondering now if I have some form of Aspergers Syndrome or something like it, something that makes it very difficult for me to feel two sets of feelings at once, myselfs and the other person. It feels like a war between his feelings and mine, and like he's trying to push them onto me, because he feels that it's abnormal. I don't think he really is doing this, though I'm not sure, but it feels claustrophobic nonetheless. I'm a very solitary person, as I've said. He's very social, he thinks out loud, talks to himself, fidgets, moves, etc. I don't move very much, and I multitask. Excessively. It's kind of a problem because I'll say I am going to write, but the program won't respond right away, if at all, so I go play a facebook game while I think. I'm still thinking, I'm shutting off the "Front" part of my brain, and thinking of the back. But it appears to other people as if I am not doing anything, I'm doing something worthless and useless and pointless, but I'm not.
So perhaps I should have named this "Inability to communicate effectively". I feel as though I'm constantly at war with him because he doesn't understand why I am the way I am, or why I don't seem to like him or love him. It's not that I don't love him. It's that I have some issues that I'm still working on, and I need to be mostly left alone a lot of the time because I am in my own head so much. I kind of need to be, I'm dealing with a lot in my life right now and also am still dealing with some issues of my own. My mind moves lightning quick, but I have one major flaw- I get interrupted very easily.
I love him... I really wish I could just cuddle and be affectionate all the time but I feel like there's this barrier all the time between me and him, because I feel like I CAN'T. I have stuff to do. I have a book I've been putting off for years that really matters to me and is eating away at me inside every moment I'm not speaking of it. I have various projects I am working on with friends and without that may turn into something amazing. I became a very powerfully independent person because I needed to be, and I don't know how to turn it back without destroying myself in the process. I'm going to look into therapy. But mostly, I'm going to write when I can.
I wonder how normal this is in relationships... :/ I feel so odd and alone..
Now, I find myself struggling. I love my husband very much but we're two very different people. I'm actually wondering now if I have some form of Aspergers Syndrome or something like it, something that makes it very difficult for me to feel two sets of feelings at once, myselfs and the other person. It feels like a war between his feelings and mine, and like he's trying to push them onto me, because he feels that it's abnormal. I don't think he really is doing this, though I'm not sure, but it feels claustrophobic nonetheless. I'm a very solitary person, as I've said. He's very social, he thinks out loud, talks to himself, fidgets, moves, etc. I don't move very much, and I multitask. Excessively. It's kind of a problem because I'll say I am going to write, but the program won't respond right away, if at all, so I go play a facebook game while I think. I'm still thinking, I'm shutting off the "Front" part of my brain, and thinking of the back. But it appears to other people as if I am not doing anything, I'm doing something worthless and useless and pointless, but I'm not.
So perhaps I should have named this "Inability to communicate effectively". I feel as though I'm constantly at war with him because he doesn't understand why I am the way I am, or why I don't seem to like him or love him. It's not that I don't love him. It's that I have some issues that I'm still working on, and I need to be mostly left alone a lot of the time because I am in my own head so much. I kind of need to be, I'm dealing with a lot in my life right now and also am still dealing with some issues of my own. My mind moves lightning quick, but I have one major flaw- I get interrupted very easily.
I love him... I really wish I could just cuddle and be affectionate all the time but I feel like there's this barrier all the time between me and him, because I feel like I CAN'T. I have stuff to do. I have a book I've been putting off for years that really matters to me and is eating away at me inside every moment I'm not speaking of it. I have various projects I am working on with friends and without that may turn into something amazing. I became a very powerfully independent person because I needed to be, and I don't know how to turn it back without destroying myself in the process. I'm going to look into therapy. But mostly, I'm going to write when I can.
I wonder how normal this is in relationships... :/ I feel so odd and alone..
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