This is one of those things that just really, really sets me off. Our entire society is so cutthroat, that it doesn't care about the lowest on the financial totem pole. "They brought it upon themselves". "They're too lazy". "They're screwing the system". No, that's not true.. Not really. Getting screwed by the system and by other people is what got them to that point. Can someone please tell me why it is, that we just sit back and watch the massive corporations who are leeching off our life get away with crazy shit? I mean... Okay.
For example.. Did you know it costs about .0052 cents for the concentrate to make a glass of soda? At McDonalds, it's what, at least a dollar for one. Major profit margin there. I get the point of it, it helps the places pay for electricity etc, but still.. I mean, how much does it really cost to MAKE this shit we have to buy? (Not soda, you don't HAVE to buy soda).
It's totally okay for corporations to be utterly cutthroat and not give a shit about their own employees. Oh, minimum wage went up? Okay, cut hours, try to get rid of some people making more so we can pay them less. And we don't fight this. The government doesn't care. Why? Why is it okay that minimum wage, if you're living alone, doesn't cover rent and food? At most places in most cities, you have to make at least twice or 3x the rent.
Minimum wage doesn't garauntee that for people who work at McDonalds or any job like that where the hours are flexible. Why do we just sit idly by and just.. let it happen???
When they moved all the jobs overseas because of minimum wage going up, I really think they should have had some sort of "punishment tax" because of it. We lost a LOT of jobs that way. And what really pisses me off is, the American people don't seem to care enough to do anything about it. Is it because they don't know how, or where to start? Or do they feel like it's useless to bother??
Why does it seem like so few people care about this? About things like this? Yeah, it happens. Minimum wage goes up, so they lose a little bit of profit. It's not like they can't afford it. Ugh. It really, utterly sickens me.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
I'll tell you the truth, Internet Dwellers..
I'm very worried. Financially, for myself and a lot of people in this country I've never even met. Friends I've had and had to leave behind, little pieces of me left with them. I carry a piece of them with me, but that's a thought for another blog, another day. Today I've got to get something off my chest.
I'm am scared. There, I said it. Me, who's been through so much crap for so long, who grew up in a motel room, who was literally homeless for a year, who's lived with sociopaths of many different arrays of psychosis, am actually scared. I'll go into my situation first, then why I'm scared for other people later. But I really need to talk about this.
It's my own fault, really. I don't consider it a bad thing, but the pregnancy wasn't exactly expected. I've been running, trying to find the green pasture, trying to find home. That feeling I've never really felt before except in my mind. That feeling of welcome, of knowing you belong. The closest I've found are Canandaigua, NY and Portland, Oregon. But that's not the point.
I guess I'm still beating around the bush about it even though I'm trying to make myself say it. I've been running for a long damn time, and I am scared.. because now I've run back to where it all started, and I have nothing. Literally, just the items I bring with me, whatever cash I have (less than 50 bucks) and a great deal of hope and inner strength. I have nowhere to go, after two weeks. My dad's giving us a place for two weeks, after that we need to find a place. I won't be able to get on TANF until I'm 6 months, approximately Sept 15thish. So, for the first time I will be actually worried. I'm 4.5 months pregnant right now, almost 5. And I won't have a solid place to stay. My dad can't afford it, and he's too far away from any decent jobs anyway, and my mom gets help from the government so that'd be pointless. I don't know what to do. I've grown up so much, become an entirely different person but at the core is still the scared me, not knowing what to do.
I'm going to have to hit churches and hope for the best, because Jason and I will get split up at shelters, if there even are any in Canandaigua. I just want a home. Stability. You know?
It's not just me I'm scared for though. The lower class is getting hit hard by all this financial bullshit, and it's only going to get worse.. Because of all the layoffs, more people are sliding downhill financially, and it really worries me.. Unless something changes, I only see bad things happening. I wish the rich would get their heads out of their ass and see people like me as people for once.
I'm am scared. There, I said it. Me, who's been through so much crap for so long, who grew up in a motel room, who was literally homeless for a year, who's lived with sociopaths of many different arrays of psychosis, am actually scared. I'll go into my situation first, then why I'm scared for other people later. But I really need to talk about this.
It's my own fault, really. I don't consider it a bad thing, but the pregnancy wasn't exactly expected. I've been running, trying to find the green pasture, trying to find home. That feeling I've never really felt before except in my mind. That feeling of welcome, of knowing you belong. The closest I've found are Canandaigua, NY and Portland, Oregon. But that's not the point.
I guess I'm still beating around the bush about it even though I'm trying to make myself say it. I've been running for a long damn time, and I am scared.. because now I've run back to where it all started, and I have nothing. Literally, just the items I bring with me, whatever cash I have (less than 50 bucks) and a great deal of hope and inner strength. I have nowhere to go, after two weeks. My dad's giving us a place for two weeks, after that we need to find a place. I won't be able to get on TANF until I'm 6 months, approximately Sept 15thish. So, for the first time I will be actually worried. I'm 4.5 months pregnant right now, almost 5. And I won't have a solid place to stay. My dad can't afford it, and he's too far away from any decent jobs anyway, and my mom gets help from the government so that'd be pointless. I don't know what to do. I've grown up so much, become an entirely different person but at the core is still the scared me, not knowing what to do.
I'm going to have to hit churches and hope for the best, because Jason and I will get split up at shelters, if there even are any in Canandaigua. I just want a home. Stability. You know?
It's not just me I'm scared for though. The lower class is getting hit hard by all this financial bullshit, and it's only going to get worse.. Because of all the layoffs, more people are sliding downhill financially, and it really worries me.. Unless something changes, I only see bad things happening. I wish the rich would get their heads out of their ass and see people like me as people for once.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Sleep Psychosis?
I'm going to describe something to you guys the best that I can, in hopes that people at least are more understanding or someone may KNOW what I'm talking about.
It's been an issue since I lived in that apartment in Wilsonville, the really tiny one with all the mold? Allow me to attempt to explain.
When I sleep and am woken up ineffectively- that is, I am woken up but not ALERT, it sort of piles up. It happens occasionally and is beginning to happen more frequently and I'm getting worried. Hell, maybe I should try using an example.
Example 1: Last night.
I went to sleep with a slightly dry mouth and kept getting "woken up" by Jason. When I'm asleep, if someone drops their arm over me, or nudges into me, etc, it will "wake me up". And not in a good way, I get bitchy about it. In this state I am sleep deprived so I tend to come off as whiny because I'm really annoyed and unhappy and just want sleep. That is my primal thought at this phase. However, when I keep getting woken up, I am conscious enough to realize that for example, Jason was waking me up in HIS sleep so I had to wake him up so he would stop talking to himself and moaning and inadvertantly elbowing me in his sleep. He got bitchy at me and while he was actually awake said something about "When you want to fix our marriage, let me know". In that state, that's not gonna sink in, bad idea. I just laughed in a dark way and said I just want some fucking SLEEP. Note, at this point I had been "woken up" every half hour for the past 3 hours. It was 4 am. I remember saying something to Jason who kept insisting on having a conversation with me to shut up because I didn't want to wake up Taby and Jake.
Now.. Okay. I *think* what the issue here is is that my brain gets stuck in between "the real world" and "the dream" in this nightmare phase. I even tried explaining it to Jason last night what the "dream nightmare world" was in an attempt to explain that I think there's a serious problem and he just laughed at me.
It's terrifying BECAUSE It's so simple and so real. When I am in that state, the dream is real to me and I'm trapped in it even when I'm awake and talking to you. I might be able to do some shit like go to the bathroom or shake you awake or answer questions, but nothing cuts through. Nothing. It's generally the same dream feeling too, the same general idea.. Being trapped and overwhelmed with SOMETHING. Last night it was cake.
No... Really. The entire world in my dream, at least where I was, was filled with cake. It wasn't organized, just.. mixed together. Everywhere. I had a dry mouth and couldn't get rid of it, even though I tried. The walls were cake, the ceiling was cake, everything was cake. It wasn't the cake necessarily that was terrifying, it was the fact that I couldn't make it go away. I couldn't wake myself up even when talking to Jason, it was still there in my head, I still felt like I was surrounded by it. In the end the only thing that woke me up at all was when Jason turned the light on and pitched a bitch fit about me being bitchy about him taking the blanket.
This isn't the only time it happened. What worries me is that in this state I am not myself. In one of these in NY when I was living with ex roommates, one of whom was a cutter, I almost self mutilated. Which for anyone who knows me is extremely, extremely odd. That was a waking one, I wrote on a piece of paper all kinds of crazy shit and in different angles etc and in the center was FIND THE SQUARE. The only thing that I could focus on was finding the square, and I couldn't find one so I almost cut a square into my arm so I'd always have it. -_-
Now, you tell me cake isn't fucking creepy.
In all seriousness though, that really scares me. I'm going to attempt to go back to sleep for a little bit. I'll expand on this later.
It's been an issue since I lived in that apartment in Wilsonville, the really tiny one with all the mold? Allow me to attempt to explain.
When I sleep and am woken up ineffectively- that is, I am woken up but not ALERT, it sort of piles up. It happens occasionally and is beginning to happen more frequently and I'm getting worried. Hell, maybe I should try using an example.
Example 1: Last night.
I went to sleep with a slightly dry mouth and kept getting "woken up" by Jason. When I'm asleep, if someone drops their arm over me, or nudges into me, etc, it will "wake me up". And not in a good way, I get bitchy about it. In this state I am sleep deprived so I tend to come off as whiny because I'm really annoyed and unhappy and just want sleep. That is my primal thought at this phase. However, when I keep getting woken up, I am conscious enough to realize that for example, Jason was waking me up in HIS sleep so I had to wake him up so he would stop talking to himself and moaning and inadvertantly elbowing me in his sleep. He got bitchy at me and while he was actually awake said something about "When you want to fix our marriage, let me know". In that state, that's not gonna sink in, bad idea. I just laughed in a dark way and said I just want some fucking SLEEP. Note, at this point I had been "woken up" every half hour for the past 3 hours. It was 4 am. I remember saying something to Jason who kept insisting on having a conversation with me to shut up because I didn't want to wake up Taby and Jake.
Now.. Okay. I *think* what the issue here is is that my brain gets stuck in between "the real world" and "the dream" in this nightmare phase. I even tried explaining it to Jason last night what the "dream nightmare world" was in an attempt to explain that I think there's a serious problem and he just laughed at me.
It's terrifying BECAUSE It's so simple and so real. When I am in that state, the dream is real to me and I'm trapped in it even when I'm awake and talking to you. I might be able to do some shit like go to the bathroom or shake you awake or answer questions, but nothing cuts through. Nothing. It's generally the same dream feeling too, the same general idea.. Being trapped and overwhelmed with SOMETHING. Last night it was cake.
No... Really. The entire world in my dream, at least where I was, was filled with cake. It wasn't organized, just.. mixed together. Everywhere. I had a dry mouth and couldn't get rid of it, even though I tried. The walls were cake, the ceiling was cake, everything was cake. It wasn't the cake necessarily that was terrifying, it was the fact that I couldn't make it go away. I couldn't wake myself up even when talking to Jason, it was still there in my head, I still felt like I was surrounded by it. In the end the only thing that woke me up at all was when Jason turned the light on and pitched a bitch fit about me being bitchy about him taking the blanket.
This isn't the only time it happened. What worries me is that in this state I am not myself. In one of these in NY when I was living with ex roommates, one of whom was a cutter, I almost self mutilated. Which for anyone who knows me is extremely, extremely odd. That was a waking one, I wrote on a piece of paper all kinds of crazy shit and in different angles etc and in the center was FIND THE SQUARE. The only thing that I could focus on was finding the square, and I couldn't find one so I almost cut a square into my arm so I'd always have it. -_-
Now, you tell me cake isn't fucking creepy.
In all seriousness though, that really scares me. I'm going to attempt to go back to sleep for a little bit. I'll expand on this later.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Activism, ACTIVATE!
Attempt two at typing this beast out -___- Facebook, fuck you.
ANYWAY. Onto my regularly scheduled programming.
I posted a note on facebook the other day about wanting to start a food bank drive, and got some good responses from friends supporting my idea. Then, I went on Pepsi Refresh's website because I had some "Power Vote" bottle caps and decided to try it that way. I liked what I found. I voted for a fund to help get some people in a community somewhere food. Hell yeah, I'm into that.
You see, I've been one of those people who falls between the cracks semifrequently my entire life. When I was in middle and high school I got free lunches, until my last two years when it was reduced cost (25 cents for your first time in line, 50 for the second I think it was). I was one of those kids who gets a trash bag of stuffed animals and stuff for Christmas. My mom was too poor one year to afford presents for me (my parents are split up, I'd visit her every Sunday. We didn't get along too well, so I took some time away from her a couple years later that I feel guilty about, but that's a personal story for another time on another blog.)
Anyway, I've been the person who lives in the crack in the system. I should have been on food stamps when I was living in Oregon the first time, in Ohio, in Texas, and in NY. I should have gone to food banks, and I didn't even know it applied to me. In fact, in some cases it didn't.. in two of those cases I was living there illegally.
I've been homeless. I've slept outside in the cold, and found out I'm one of the few people that really has a hard, HARD time doing it- I have a bladder issue apparently due to stress and a poor diet (I don't have it anymore, ever since I am no longer homeless it's disappeared) that would wake me up every two hours having to pee because I was cold. I peed in a cup outside more times than I can count. HAVING TO is different than choosing to, let me tell you.. I didn't want to walk the 12 blocks to the nearest public restroom because at 3 am I'd have to walk by the junkies etc and that bathroom was hardly sanitary.. it was near the "Rough" part of town- and that's someone who's been homeless saying it.
Anyway, I've been cold. I've been hungry. And I want to at least give back in my life to make other people's lives better. Not because I feel like I have to karmically to rebalance the few good things I received. No. Not really that at all. In fact, it's the same reason I have a tendency to compliment people on their outfit. I do it to a random stranger a day, when I'm outside. I compliment their shirt, or their hair, or whatever I genuinely like about their attire when I'm going on my way. Not every reaction is a good one, sometimes people give you strange looks, but it's worth it for the ones whose eyes light up.
In 9th grade, I had someone tell me I actually stopped her from killing herself because of a five minute conversation in Biology. FIVE MINUTES. Just talking to someone and making them feel like a person can help
It's really amazing what little bits will add up to. I want to just.. make some people's lives better. Not because I feel it's a duty. Because I feel like it's an honor, it's something WORTH doing. I'm not saying I don't want to have wealth of my own. I do. But I still want to give back to people who have so little, because I know what it's like, and it actually hurts me in some ways to see people suffering. People I know, and people I don't. It happens in this country all the time.. The lower tier of society's poverty stricken "middle" class (which is not so much middle as poor, really) and the lower class, which I hate the term of because it makes you seem like you're a lesser person though you have to go through more, is very at risk for becoming homeless themselves.
The homeless numbers are swelling, which is putting strain on the economy even more.. It is a giant mess. Little things help.
Like... I want to start food drives for food banks. Just at local grocery stores, I want to have like.. Giant gaylords (They're these huuuuge boxes that are on pallets) full of cans and stuff to donate. It might be better to do it separately, but that's not the point. The point is, I want to give back, and try to convince people that giving back isn't just something you do because you feel you have to... Think about the person whose day you're making better. Whose week, year even, because when they needed it most, they were able to get a week's worth of food.
I want to do clothing drives and blanket making drives for the homeless. I want to do my best to help, with what I can
It'll take me a while, because currently my own housing is not the most secure, but still.. Someday, I do want to, and WILL change the world. Even if it is just my own corner of it.
ANYWAY. Onto my regularly scheduled programming.
I posted a note on facebook the other day about wanting to start a food bank drive, and got some good responses from friends supporting my idea. Then, I went on Pepsi Refresh's website because I had some "Power Vote" bottle caps and decided to try it that way. I liked what I found. I voted for a fund to help get some people in a community somewhere food. Hell yeah, I'm into that.
You see, I've been one of those people who falls between the cracks semifrequently my entire life. When I was in middle and high school I got free lunches, until my last two years when it was reduced cost (25 cents for your first time in line, 50 for the second I think it was). I was one of those kids who gets a trash bag of stuffed animals and stuff for Christmas. My mom was too poor one year to afford presents for me (my parents are split up, I'd visit her every Sunday. We didn't get along too well, so I took some time away from her a couple years later that I feel guilty about, but that's a personal story for another time on another blog.)
Anyway, I've been the person who lives in the crack in the system. I should have been on food stamps when I was living in Oregon the first time, in Ohio, in Texas, and in NY. I should have gone to food banks, and I didn't even know it applied to me. In fact, in some cases it didn't.. in two of those cases I was living there illegally.
I've been homeless. I've slept outside in the cold, and found out I'm one of the few people that really has a hard, HARD time doing it- I have a bladder issue apparently due to stress and a poor diet (I don't have it anymore, ever since I am no longer homeless it's disappeared) that would wake me up every two hours having to pee because I was cold. I peed in a cup outside more times than I can count. HAVING TO is different than choosing to, let me tell you.. I didn't want to walk the 12 blocks to the nearest public restroom because at 3 am I'd have to walk by the junkies etc and that bathroom was hardly sanitary.. it was near the "Rough" part of town- and that's someone who's been homeless saying it.
Anyway, I've been cold. I've been hungry. And I want to at least give back in my life to make other people's lives better. Not because I feel like I have to karmically to rebalance the few good things I received. No. Not really that at all. In fact, it's the same reason I have a tendency to compliment people on their outfit. I do it to a random stranger a day, when I'm outside. I compliment their shirt, or their hair, or whatever I genuinely like about their attire when I'm going on my way. Not every reaction is a good one, sometimes people give you strange looks, but it's worth it for the ones whose eyes light up.
In 9th grade, I had someone tell me I actually stopped her from killing herself because of a five minute conversation in Biology. FIVE MINUTES. Just talking to someone and making them feel like a person can help
It's really amazing what little bits will add up to. I want to just.. make some people's lives better. Not because I feel it's a duty. Because I feel like it's an honor, it's something WORTH doing. I'm not saying I don't want to have wealth of my own. I do. But I still want to give back to people who have so little, because I know what it's like, and it actually hurts me in some ways to see people suffering. People I know, and people I don't. It happens in this country all the time.. The lower tier of society's poverty stricken "middle" class (which is not so much middle as poor, really) and the lower class, which I hate the term of because it makes you seem like you're a lesser person though you have to go through more, is very at risk for becoming homeless themselves.
The homeless numbers are swelling, which is putting strain on the economy even more.. It is a giant mess. Little things help.
Like... I want to start food drives for food banks. Just at local grocery stores, I want to have like.. Giant gaylords (They're these huuuuge boxes that are on pallets) full of cans and stuff to donate. It might be better to do it separately, but that's not the point. The point is, I want to give back, and try to convince people that giving back isn't just something you do because you feel you have to... Think about the person whose day you're making better. Whose week, year even, because when they needed it most, they were able to get a week's worth of food.
I want to do clothing drives and blanket making drives for the homeless. I want to do my best to help, with what I can
It'll take me a while, because currently my own housing is not the most secure, but still.. Someday, I do want to, and WILL change the world. Even if it is just my own corner of it.
Solitary Needs and Relationships
My husband just got back two hours ago. However, I immediately shelled up rather than doing the "normal" thing and holding the husband who's been gone for a month. I'm a very solitary creature. When I want to be left alone I WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE. That's made worse by the fact that I don't have a private space. I've always wanted one, and grew up MOSTLY with one. My dad only came into my room to bitch at me, that was really it. It was MY space, even if it was only so due to a curtain draped across the whole room giving an illusion of privacy.
Now, I find myself struggling. I love my husband very much but we're two very different people. I'm actually wondering now if I have some form of Aspergers Syndrome or something like it, something that makes it very difficult for me to feel two sets of feelings at once, myselfs and the other person. It feels like a war between his feelings and mine, and like he's trying to push them onto me, because he feels that it's abnormal. I don't think he really is doing this, though I'm not sure, but it feels claustrophobic nonetheless. I'm a very solitary person, as I've said. He's very social, he thinks out loud, talks to himself, fidgets, moves, etc. I don't move very much, and I multitask. Excessively. It's kind of a problem because I'll say I am going to write, but the program won't respond right away, if at all, so I go play a facebook game while I think. I'm still thinking, I'm shutting off the "Front" part of my brain, and thinking of the back. But it appears to other people as if I am not doing anything, I'm doing something worthless and useless and pointless, but I'm not.
So perhaps I should have named this "Inability to communicate effectively". I feel as though I'm constantly at war with him because he doesn't understand why I am the way I am, or why I don't seem to like him or love him. It's not that I don't love him. It's that I have some issues that I'm still working on, and I need to be mostly left alone a lot of the time because I am in my own head so much. I kind of need to be, I'm dealing with a lot in my life right now and also am still dealing with some issues of my own. My mind moves lightning quick, but I have one major flaw- I get interrupted very easily.
I love him... I really wish I could just cuddle and be affectionate all the time but I feel like there's this barrier all the time between me and him, because I feel like I CAN'T. I have stuff to do. I have a book I've been putting off for years that really matters to me and is eating away at me inside every moment I'm not speaking of it. I have various projects I am working on with friends and without that may turn into something amazing. I became a very powerfully independent person because I needed to be, and I don't know how to turn it back without destroying myself in the process. I'm going to look into therapy. But mostly, I'm going to write when I can.
I wonder how normal this is in relationships... :/ I feel so odd and alone..
Now, I find myself struggling. I love my husband very much but we're two very different people. I'm actually wondering now if I have some form of Aspergers Syndrome or something like it, something that makes it very difficult for me to feel two sets of feelings at once, myselfs and the other person. It feels like a war between his feelings and mine, and like he's trying to push them onto me, because he feels that it's abnormal. I don't think he really is doing this, though I'm not sure, but it feels claustrophobic nonetheless. I'm a very solitary person, as I've said. He's very social, he thinks out loud, talks to himself, fidgets, moves, etc. I don't move very much, and I multitask. Excessively. It's kind of a problem because I'll say I am going to write, but the program won't respond right away, if at all, so I go play a facebook game while I think. I'm still thinking, I'm shutting off the "Front" part of my brain, and thinking of the back. But it appears to other people as if I am not doing anything, I'm doing something worthless and useless and pointless, but I'm not.
So perhaps I should have named this "Inability to communicate effectively". I feel as though I'm constantly at war with him because he doesn't understand why I am the way I am, or why I don't seem to like him or love him. It's not that I don't love him. It's that I have some issues that I'm still working on, and I need to be mostly left alone a lot of the time because I am in my own head so much. I kind of need to be, I'm dealing with a lot in my life right now and also am still dealing with some issues of my own. My mind moves lightning quick, but I have one major flaw- I get interrupted very easily.
I love him... I really wish I could just cuddle and be affectionate all the time but I feel like there's this barrier all the time between me and him, because I feel like I CAN'T. I have stuff to do. I have a book I've been putting off for years that really matters to me and is eating away at me inside every moment I'm not speaking of it. I have various projects I am working on with friends and without that may turn into something amazing. I became a very powerfully independent person because I needed to be, and I don't know how to turn it back without destroying myself in the process. I'm going to look into therapy. But mostly, I'm going to write when I can.
I wonder how normal this is in relationships... :/ I feel so odd and alone..
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)