And I use the term to mean both gay and weird. Yeah, I'm saying it. I want to know why you never really hear about the people like me... I feel awkward everywhere, to be honest with you. I am comfortable enough in myself to not notice it all the time, but I realized recently that part of the reason I don't like going to SMYRC (Sexual Minority Youth Resource Center) here in portland is partially due to the amount of screaming Bieber fanboys and girls, and partially due to the fact that I feel really uncomfortable being there. Not only do they not allow straight people on property, they also seemed to have an attitude with me when I came up to them last year to sign up to be able to come hang out if I wanted to.. I told them that I don't really have a sexual preference. When they asked if I was bi, I said no.
Why? Because I'm not. I'm not bisexual, really. I suppose it may be possible for me to be attracted to a male sexually, or a female sexually, but all in all I am not a sexually oriented person. I don't identify as male or female. I identify as both and neither simultaneously.. Which sadly people don't seem to understand.
I don't get why they don't. Maybe it's because we live in such a highly sexualized world that it's perceived as strange and abnormal to be uninterested in sex.. But I'm not. I don't get aroused by seeing someone naked. In fact, it's almost the opposite. I like the male figure. I like the female figure. But the sex organs? I mean, what the fuck, man? Really? What the hell..
They look funny, on the most positive side, and creepy on the most negative. A vagina to me looks like an angry taco, sometimes with fur, sometimes bald. A penis looks like a deformed mushroom-banana mixture creation. It's not attractive. It's downright fucking weird.
That being said, I am a total fan of nude art. Note, nude art. Not pornography. I hate pornography, it's disgusting and at best just makes me want to giggle and puke at the same time. I mean, how can you look at the two bodies bouncing off each other, and flesh flailing in every direction and get aroused? I mean, really. Between breasts jiggling like floppy punching bags, and the actual appearance of the penis going into or out of the mouth.. The facial contortions people make and the fact that it's all so obviously fake, how does anyone like it??
I don't perceive myself as being male or female. I am in a female body, but that's about it.. I'm like a nongendered patron taking a ride in a human life as a female. Obviously, being pregnant makes that interesting.
I don't want to be called he or she. I don't really care. I let people call me she/her because I guess I tend to act more feminine in some ways, while in others I definitely don't. I'm too outspoken, supposedly, for one thing. I hate the idea of wearing a purse or putting on makeup. I like buying and wearing different clothes. I really like variety.
But I'm neither a he nor a she at heart, and I'm not really sexually interested in anyone. That's kind of a hard, almost mean thing for me to say. I actually feel guilty about it, at times, because I do love my husband very deeply. I'm pregnant with his child. But sex is uncomfortable for the most part for me, and I prefer hugs to kisses. But where do I stand, really? I'm not gay, bi, lesbian, or transgendered, in the true sense of the words. Where do I belong?
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