Sexuality vs Sexuality

Yep, I'm doing it again. Another weird one... Sorta.

Now, I have a different spin on the entire thing, being asexual. For those who haven't read the earlier blogs, yes, I identify as asexual. I don't feel sexual desire. I don't want sex. Sex is boring. Yes, I'm married. Yes, I have a kid. That does not mean I am someone who likes or wants sex, it means I love my husband.

Sexuality has more than one meaning, and as our culture is very sex-obsessed, I thought I'd address how I see people who exude "sex appeal". Hell, I can feel sexy, or something similar, too, and I don't want sex. They have nothing to do with one another. The idea for this blog came to me after seeing the new Repo: The Genetic Opera, from the character the Graverobber.

I realized last night that I caught myself calling him sexy, though that wasn't what I meant. I just don't know the vocabulary for what I am referring to.  There are certain traits that when put together draw me in.  I call it "sexy" but what I really mean is not "you're gorgeous, I would love to sleep with that man/woman", but "You are a beautiful character (real person or fictional) who has a personality I am attracted to, I would love to give you a huge hug and talk for hours, you'd be awesome to hang out with."

A bit more wordy, huh?

I feel this in varying degrees for different people. I feel it a lot for my husband, with an added kick of "I can't imagine my life without you in it, and your penis is kind of cute..." as opposed to OH GOD, WHAT IS THAT THING??? (I feel the same way toward vaginas, but I haven't seen any but my own up close.)

In all seriousness though (And sorry if I embarrassed you, honey <3), I don't differentiate love.  Perhaps my brain chemistry is confused between affection and curiosity. I don't know.  But, yeah, there's that.

I can see body art (usually full body body paint) photos and find it beautiful, but porn makes me want to vomit. It takes the beauty away from the human body and diminishes it into a short, totally focused act of two people grunting and humping for a few minutes. Oh yeah, gorgeous.

Sorry, no one ever looks good in porn. In my experience someone is always getting dominated, and thus it seems less about what (I imagine) sex is about, than momentary pleasure you could get yourself from a toy or your hand. Frankly, I don't get why people watch it.

That's weird enough, right? Hold on to your panties, kids, I'm not nearly done yet.


Next, is something even weirder.  Yeah, I know! I'm like Queen Weird of Castle Crazy.
But really...


I can feel gorgeous. Sexy(kinda?)  I like the idea of doing amazing photos, nude and not. Nudity is not sexual, at least to me. It's part of who I am. The clothes I wear I put on sometimes for me, more often because sadly our culture is so hypersexualized if I were to go topless people would stare in shock.

I like that power, kinda. Not to the point where I want to get famous for it, or get attention all the time, but sometimes it's fun to surprise people.

But, yeah.  I see things from an entirely different point of view. Someone can be sexy, but not make you want to have sex.... right? Or am I wrong?

I don't even know, and that's why I blog.


Thank you for reading. It means a lot to me <3

Androgyny: The True Gender

What???  Yes, I know. Hear me out.

I'll start off with the information that is obvious a few posts down. I am asexual, or I identify as such. I have no real attraction to people sexually. By that I mean... none. I have a baby, but that's because it was around our honeymoon phase for my husband and I, and I love him, so.. yeah.

I am attracted to personalities, regardless of what body they inhabit. Not sexually, from a deep level of connect, similar to friends and family spliced.  With all that in mind, I'll continue.

I went through a phase (And I call it a phase because that is how my mind works, not because I have no respect for this or think it is for other people) a few years ago, trying to find my identity. I didn't feel right.  I felt like I was in the wrong body, or the wrong world, and I just wasn't me, externally. So, I decided to spend some time figuring out who and what I was internally. I used different terms as they came to mind, and I considered myself "Gender Neutral and both simultaneously", and "bisexual".  By "bisexual", and I explain this to explain to my truly bisexual friends, I was not attempting to diminish bisexuality, I was just trying to find the proper words.

What I meant was, that I see both genders as beautiful, truly beautiful, equally. In an artistic sort of way. Not actually attracted to them (Boobs are fun to look at, I don't really know why. I mean, I have them, and I still look. It's not intentional, either. I don't really know why I do it, it's just social awkwardness. But what sets me apart from bisexual people is that I am not sexual. So, I have no real interest in their genitalia.  I love my husband. Penises look weird.  That's pretty much as simple as I can put it. (Vaginas are pretty gross too, but I haven't seen and am not interested in seeing many of those..)

But I'm getting a bit off topic.  Now, I will describe how I feel, "gender wise", and explain why I chose that term.  I have a book I found today, Androgyny: Toward a new theory of sexuality, by June Singer. I found it at a place I visited in Downtown Portland this morning.

I will paraphrase the part of the introduction I am referring to, as it is fairly wordy. If you are interested, I will type it all up.

Basically, Sheldon S. Hendler said the following.  "The purpose June Singer has found for us, she tells us is to become conscious of the way we exist within the cosmic scheme."

To do so, we must explore the grounds of our opinions. We then enter the process of becoming conscious of the many aspects of ourselves, of who we really are and not "who we are supposed to be."  In becoming conscious, we become aware of the dualities that have molded us:


Activity/Passivity
Competition/Co-operation
Independence/Dependence
Logic/Intuition
etc

The one duality that seems to be the generator of all the others is that of male-female. Dr. Singer believes the resolution of our dualities, is not to combat between them but to love each for the other, the state of Androgyny.

That's what I'm going to tackle and mention first.

See, what really bugs me (As so, so many things do <3.. Yet I'm actually a very happy person! You wouldn't know it to read this blog :/) is that we have been taught on a subconscious level that one of those is for one gender and one is for the other. Can you guess?

Yep.  Left=stereotypical male, right=stereotypical female.

And that's what bugs me the most. I don't WANT to squash myself into those boxes. Our society's expectations of us due to our genitals is absurd at best, devastating at worst. The repercussions can be tremendous.

In high school, I was painfully shy. I had low self esteem, I was passive about everything, and I was unhealthily intuitive (escapism+"intuition" can be a bad combo).  In short, I was a different person.

I have worked very hard on myself, because I did not like who I am. I am now more aggressive than passive, at least online. In person, due to my petite size, I don't tend to want to piss people off who could hurt me.  Kinda logical, right? I think so, anyway. (Welll, at one point, on Zoloft, I told a drug dealer how much of a worthless piece of shit he was. He threatened to kill me, so I kinda got off that pill real quick.)

I have never really felt like I belonged. As someone who has absolutely no interest in sex, and doesn't understand what the attractiveness is of sticking one's genitals in you, or your genitals in someone else, our world's hypersexuality is very disturbing.

Yes, disturbing. I mean, to me it's sad when a 6 year old boy is kicked out of school for singing a song he doesn't understand, and wiggling his butt.  Sexual assault? Really?? I'm not a sexual person but I have been conditioned to see it everywhere. Even hints of it. Bras are designed to push breasts up and put them on display. The typical style is meant to attract the opposite(or same) sex. Everything.

Me? I dress for me. I dress for what makes me feel powerful, happy, good about myself. Around my house, I often just wear my nursing bra and a pair of pants. I breastfeed. *shrug* I love everything from pinstripe suits to dresses, jeans and button up shirts to.... whatever else. I like style, whatever it may be. I love steampunk. I don't love that I'm expected to "look good" i.e. sexy. It annoys me, and I don't care.

Now, here's when I get weird.  (ME?? Weird? Nooooooooooo.)

I don't mind being sexy for me. Or for the fun of it. I just don't do it for other people. I don't mind doing it for Jason because it makes him happy. But I really just do it for the aesthetics. Seeing me, I look pretty feminine. I don't tend to wear "masculine" clothes. I do love my pinstripes, though :/ I don't own any right now, but boy, do I. I am at least mentally androgynous. I'm sometimes more stereotypically feminine- passive, etc. I'm sometimes more stereotypically masculine- aloof, aggressive, blunt.  I just feel like me, a mixture in between.

Androgyny doesn't necessarily mean binding your breasts and putting on a suit. To me, it's a mental thing.

What is it to you?



If you read my blogs and like my views or the way I write, and am curious about my opinion on a specific topic, please let me know by contacting me on facebook- facebook.com/eternalaraelys, or here.

Asexuality

I don't really know if that's what I have. I'm not a huge fan of labels, I looked it up years ago but my memories are shit. This is going to take a lot of courage for me to post about, but I'm okay with that.  I'm ok with people thinking I'm weird, or judging me because I'm not "like them".

I've never had any sexual interests in anyone.  I just... don't. I have never looked at someone and said "Damn, I'd love to have sex with them." I can see either gender as beautiful aesthetically and from an appreciation for life and the human form, but not for actual interest like that.

It doesn't mean I don't love my husband. He means the world to me and more. And it is nothing against him, he's beautiful to me.  It's not anything with him, or anything that's happened to me. I just have never had an interest in sex. I have been aroused before, but frankly it lasts less than 30 seconds.  I masturbate, but it's more clinical and for the release of endorphins to help me sleep.

Aedric was born in love.  He wasn't planned, it was a honeymoon type thing.

And I'm not exaggerating. I am not saying this to garner attention, in fact I am pushing myself to finally bare a part of me I've not commented on. In a world this relentlessly, powerfully sexual, I feel a little out of place and uncomfortable. Some seductive/sensual images interest me, but it's because of the power of the person, the power they hold, not any kind of arousal or interest in what might happen when their clothes come off.

Whether I am this thing or not, it does not matter to me. In my opinion, it should not matter to you, either, I am just finally attempting to describe myself and how I feel.

I haven't changed. I'm just explaining some behaviors that may or may not have made sense.

I am drawn to personalities, like beautiful glowing gems in a beach of mud. I love my friends deeply, and purely, with all of me. My possible asexualism (As, again, I don't know if that's a label I want to drape upon myself) doesn't affect my ability to love and care for people.

Perhaps it'll explain to you why I get so frustrated with the sexualization of our culture. I'm a feminist, not a feminazi. The only reason I've been termed one is that it is supposedly not "ladylike"to be aggressive in your beliefs.  But since when has gender mattered to me?

About 3-4 years ago I accepted myself as being something "non normal"... By that I mean the pure middle line traditional thought of human. Male, female, straight, gay, bisexual. Whatever.  I considered my self, and I quote, "Neither gender, and both simultaneously." That is because, to me, gender is something in the mind. Genders in and of themselves don't mean shit.  All they are are a list of character traits we decided to tack on to a phallus or breasts, as we deem fitting.  Why is it strange I don't want to choose those specific characteristics for myself?

I've never really had any interest in sex though. I've had sex. (Obviously, derp, I have a baby..) That doesn't mean I was the one who wanted it or instigated it. I've been raped once, and tried sex a few different times (literally....) It never really did anything for me. All that grunting? What's the point? 

I went through a phase of trying to see "what was wrong with me" and had sex with different people.  (Literally one a year...) Jason's the first to really make me happy. (Not like that :P In general. Though like that too.. XD)

I was like this before I was raped. I was like this before my dad's drunken ranting about women when I was younger. I was like this for as long as I can remember, just like my social anxiety. Perhaps they're tied together. I don't know.


That's the thing. I don't know, but I'm okay with it. I'm finally, really okay with it. It's still weird to me, not because I feel weird but because everyone else I meet (well aside from a few people) are "normal".  But life isn't about being normal. I am on this world for MAYBE 100 years. If I'm that lucky/unlucky (who wants to need diapers? :( That's sad.)  I'm not going to waste my time anymore trying to "Fit in".  I'm just going to fit ME, as ever-evolving as that is.

I'm sorry if for some reason you feel I've disappointed you. Perhaps you need to re-evaluate your relationship with me and why you think it's "wrong" or "strange".  That's your battle.

Me? I've got a sleeping baby in the next room and a husband on the couch, and library in my mind waiting to come out.  I am going to live my life and see what happens. And I'm glad for sex. It got me Aedric.  I just have no real interest in it. :D <3

Some info: http://www.asexuality.org/home/overview.html