Monday, May 7, 2012

Being a Mom Changed My Life

I know what you're thinking.  Well, duh...
But I mean more than just wiping his butt and giving him baths, getting up in the middle of the night to feed him, and childbirth.

Before I had Aedric I had come quite a way psychologically, all on my own. I had faced a ton of demons in a non-typical way, and was fundamentally different than when I was in high school. Sure, it was mostly on the internet- I learned how to talk about my opinions, made wonderful friends and terrible friends, and learned how to cope with some lingering effects of my childhood.

But it wasn't until I puked for the first time in years (Well, aside from one stupid time in Texas when I hadn't eaten anything and drank a lot of alcohol.... Nie might remember. Man, I am one apologetic drunk..) that I realized something was amiss. I went the next day to Planned Parenthood, and they gave me a packet of information. When I found out I was 8 weeks and 5 days pregnant, I felt like I'd been hit by a train.

You see, I'm a very symbolic, psychological person, and in some stupid, naive little way, I actually believed that somehow I was too full of hate and rage to get pregnant.. Even though the rage had passed, thanks to a lovely little trippy half-hour period where my brain reset itself in 2008.

So, me? Pregnant???

On the walk home I was shell-shocked and trying to wrap my mind around the fact that somehow a part of me that died every month and a part of Jason that usually just died after leaving his body had actually formed into a growing entity. I had a handy little packet of papers about abortion clinics (None of which were in Lancaster, Pennsylvania..), some places that could help me, and adoption information. I went home, kinda feeling like the world was tilted in the wrong direction.

I talked to Jason and told him that I was pregnant... He wasn't surprised. He was the one who nagged me to go get tested. He looked a little freaked out, and was happy but nervous.  Man, I had nausea for like 3 weeks. That sucked.

Anyway, a few months later we lost our place. We packed up our crap literally in less than an hour and a half, and left. Still annoys me a bit to this day that we weren't given any kind of warning.. Anyway, we walked all the way into town (about a mile or two) when I was 4 months pregnant. In 20 days we were going to be coming back to Portland. We had no idea what was where in downtown Lancaster, and eventually found a place entitled TLC, which I forgot what it meant but it was a homeless transitional housing place. They gave us the address for a homeless shelter and we made it there, and I still remember the line of elderly people waiting outside. They ranged from two women that had missing toes (diabetes) to a young woman who I believe had schizophrenia and some sort of air machine that helped her breathe throughout the night. They all had to carry whatever they owned with them every day.

They took my picture and asked us some questions, and didn't believe us that we were married even though we had identification and proof. I slept on a gymnastics mat on the floor under a giant JESUS cross on the stage. I wasn't allowed to sleep near Jason.  Most of the women had mental health problems and were apparently untreated- one used to almost never shut up and whined all the time.  Most were overweight, as well.

I wasn't able to get on food stamps, and they only fed us twice a day. I felt him kick either the first or second night, and my heart filled with joy, despite the conditions I was in. No, I didn't find Jesus. Did you check behind the sofa?

If we took any food we didn't eat from the mess hall, it was considered stealing and we weren't allowed to stay there. It was the only shelter in town. We were told we would only be allowed there for 5 days because "we were out of county". The next day a woman told us we were extremely lucky, we could stay, but ONLY because we were leaving in 20 days. If we missed the flight, too bad, not their problem.

Long story short, that sucked and I was concerned about only eating two meals a day, some friends from Facebook changed my life and sent us money (THANK YOU AGAIN!!). We were able to buy dollar items from mcdonalds for lunch at least semi-often.

Anyway, we made it back and became homeless again in September, moved in with a crazy guy for a few months who eventually scared us enough we moved to a homeless shelter. There we got to deal with all kinds of homeless family drama, stress, and for me back pain.

But, my point is, in spite of all that, I still was happy. I didn't really mind that I was overdue. My back hurt, but mostly I was so happy, and filled with love for that life within me that I didn't care. Seeing Aedric's face was the most amazing thing in my life. I look at him, and can't help but smile. Not because he does weird stuff, but just because he is so pure, and so happy.



It was a truly transcending experience, and he has honestly changed my mind for the better. I am so much more of an optimist now than I ever was. Just ask Kendra! Or Jason. <3

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