Being a Mom Changed My Life

I know what you're thinking.  Well, duh...
But I mean more than just wiping his butt and giving him baths, getting up in the middle of the night to feed him, and childbirth.

Before I had Aedric I had come quite a way psychologically, all on my own. I had faced a ton of demons in a non-typical way, and was fundamentally different than when I was in high school. Sure, it was mostly on the internet- I learned how to talk about my opinions, made wonderful friends and terrible friends, and learned how to cope with some lingering effects of my childhood.

But it wasn't until I puked for the first time in years (Well, aside from one stupid time in Texas when I hadn't eaten anything and drank a lot of alcohol.... Nie might remember. Man, I am one apologetic drunk..) that I realized something was amiss. I went the next day to Planned Parenthood, and they gave me a packet of information. When I found out I was 8 weeks and 5 days pregnant, I felt like I'd been hit by a train.

You see, I'm a very symbolic, psychological person, and in some stupid, naive little way, I actually believed that somehow I was too full of hate and rage to get pregnant.. Even though the rage had passed, thanks to a lovely little trippy half-hour period where my brain reset itself in 2008.

So, me? Pregnant???

On the walk home I was shell-shocked and trying to wrap my mind around the fact that somehow a part of me that died every month and a part of Jason that usually just died after leaving his body had actually formed into a growing entity. I had a handy little packet of papers about abortion clinics (None of which were in Lancaster, Pennsylvania..), some places that could help me, and adoption information. I went home, kinda feeling like the world was tilted in the wrong direction.

I talked to Jason and told him that I was pregnant... He wasn't surprised. He was the one who nagged me to go get tested. He looked a little freaked out, and was happy but nervous.  Man, I had nausea for like 3 weeks. That sucked.

Anyway, a few months later we lost our place. We packed up our crap literally in less than an hour and a half, and left. Still annoys me a bit to this day that we weren't given any kind of warning.. Anyway, we walked all the way into town (about a mile or two) when I was 4 months pregnant. In 20 days we were going to be coming back to Portland. We had no idea what was where in downtown Lancaster, and eventually found a place entitled TLC, which I forgot what it meant but it was a homeless transitional housing place. They gave us the address for a homeless shelter and we made it there, and I still remember the line of elderly people waiting outside. They ranged from two women that had missing toes (diabetes) to a young woman who I believe had schizophrenia and some sort of air machine that helped her breathe throughout the night. They all had to carry whatever they owned with them every day.

They took my picture and asked us some questions, and didn't believe us that we were married even though we had identification and proof. I slept on a gymnastics mat on the floor under a giant JESUS cross on the stage. I wasn't allowed to sleep near Jason.  Most of the women had mental health problems and were apparently untreated- one used to almost never shut up and whined all the time.  Most were overweight, as well.

I wasn't able to get on food stamps, and they only fed us twice a day. I felt him kick either the first or second night, and my heart filled with joy, despite the conditions I was in. No, I didn't find Jesus. Did you check behind the sofa?

If we took any food we didn't eat from the mess hall, it was considered stealing and we weren't allowed to stay there. It was the only shelter in town. We were told we would only be allowed there for 5 days because "we were out of county". The next day a woman told us we were extremely lucky, we could stay, but ONLY because we were leaving in 20 days. If we missed the flight, too bad, not their problem.

Long story short, that sucked and I was concerned about only eating two meals a day, some friends from Facebook changed my life and sent us money (THANK YOU AGAIN!!). We were able to buy dollar items from mcdonalds for lunch at least semi-often.

Anyway, we made it back and became homeless again in September, moved in with a crazy guy for a few months who eventually scared us enough we moved to a homeless shelter. There we got to deal with all kinds of homeless family drama, stress, and for me back pain.

But, my point is, in spite of all that, I still was happy. I didn't really mind that I was overdue. My back hurt, but mostly I was so happy, and filled with love for that life within me that I didn't care. Seeing Aedric's face was the most amazing thing in my life. I look at him, and can't help but smile. Not because he does weird stuff, but just because he is so pure, and so happy.



It was a truly transcending experience, and he has honestly changed my mind for the better. I am so much more of an optimist now than I ever was. Just ask Kendra! Or Jason. <3

They're Revolting!!!

No, really.  Call it what you will, the French have changed the paradigm. About fucking time.  http://www.nytimes.com/2012/05/07/opinion/krugman-those-revolting-europeans.html?_r=1

At least someone is. I keep hoping America will do something to fight the status quo but for a multitude of reasons, a good portion of Americans are content to sit swilling beer and griping about the current president, as if he is to blame for all our ills.
Yeah, I said it.

I have a problem with people.  Not merely my social anxiety, I have a fundamental issue with people.  At least, a lot of the ones I've met. I'm sick and tired of people being content with the problems of the world, accepting it as just how it is, not accepting that they have the power to change.

I know, I know, we have essentially been taught our vote doesn't matter that much. After all, we are just one person, right?

Yes, that is true. However, it is also true that most Americans are furious as to what's going on in our wallets, our government, our lack of jobs. We are getting pissed. So why the hell are we not doing anything about it?

My opinion? We don't know what to do.  Occupy started something that's helped. Do I think that will be the end of it? No. Do I think that that is what will fundamentally change it? Read the article I posted yesterday about the woman evicted at 3 am at gunpoint.  The cop in there didn't even believe that Corporations have a great deal of power in this country. Sure, he's in Georgia. That's no excuse ;)

We are all angry, and upset, and scared, and we feel powerless. Right? You walk through security at the airport and you're treated like some kind of sociopathic criminal who must be bringing a bomb on board.  Yes, I understand we have had problems with terrorists. I won't go into that here, though, that's a whole 'nother ball of ranting.

We have been slowly taught, due to perhaps our parents, perhaps the mainstream media, perhaps public schools, that we are just one person. We can't make a difference. Even though every day we see the results of other people who finally got upset enough to say something, we just write it off as there's something special about them.

I think the one problem America might have is the laziness and fear. Not just laziness as in sitting in front of a couch and watching football. I mean the entire paradigm we have. People don't always vote. My dad doesn't, he doesn't see the point. With the electoral college, I kinda don't blame him, but still.. Until you say something, you're just one more person who has stood back and let it happen.

I for one am sick of letting it happen. I'm not out on the streets because I have a 4 month old I'm breastfeeding and cops have a bit too many frustrations they like taking out on peaceful protestors. But I will blog. I will talk. I will vent, I will vote. I will make my point clear.

France realized how ridiculous the "suck it up, it gets better" mentality we're being force-fed is.  They stood up for themselves, and it's changing.  They did something about it. So when are we?  I can pretty much garauntee you that something else needs to happen than Occupy. Some other movement will spring up because of it, and then there will be two.

We need to do something.  Otherwise it's just going to get worse.