The First Step..

The first step is always the hardest.  But first, let me backtrack and explain what I'm talking about, here.

I have an avoidance problem. And I don't mean a nice little oh I'm just going to avoid x situation.. I avoid REALITY.  I avoid LIFE.  Why? Because it's too much for me sometimes.  I don't know why.  I honestly wish I did. Or maybe I do know, and the answers hurt too much for me to want to face them yet.  But I do know that my methods have changed. When I was growing up you could always find my nose buried in a book.  Always.  During class, everything. Fun fact? I almost flunked out of high school because I was reading too much.  Not their books.  More interesting ones.

But that's not my point here.  I created worlds in my mind more fascinating to me than this one.  I lived in my own head when books no longer worked, and frankly I went a bit crazy.  Thankfully I snapped out of it with help but I had already found my newest obsession/secondary womb.  The internet. At first I roleplayed and then I went to writing.com to get the excess creativity out of my head. I just wanted some of it gone, you see, some of the noise in my mind from all the thoughts and stuff.

Well, that didn't work out.  I'm not going in chronological order here, I apologize.  I first met the internet probably in like 7th grade. It went from there.  I was on myspace for a while, and I updated my status and did the little bulletin surveys like a good little girl. I eventually made a new page, and I always blogged a lot.  But I wasn't really connecting to other people.  I only connected with a handful, who helped me through the nastiest phase in my mental transition.

When I say I went crazy, I won't go into details but it wasn't pretty. Not pretty at all.  One of those who was as bad off as me back then, he contacted me about a year ago.  I wasn't sure what to make of it, he was in a way my "enemy" for a short time.  But I came to discover that he was a calm, gentle young man now and very wise.  I became attached. He passed away in February, or early March (my sense of time is terrible) and it shook me. I never met him offline, but he had an impact on me.  He was a beacon of light during the time I was most stressed and worried.  He was a lovely gentlemen, gay, and his boyfriend added me as well I think after he passed..

I'm avoiding the subject at hand.  I have an internet addiction.  I'm aware of this.  It's my safety net. I don't know how to handle people in person.  People are scary, and you can never tell what they're going to do.  I have also noticed that for me at least it's easier to be totally honest in person because people don't care. It's just the internet, right? so I can be more honest and meet people who suit me better.  Unless they're lying, which has happened.

I have an addiction to those stupid little facebook games, and frankly it pisses me off. I don't really like them. I really don't.  I know they're empty fluff designed to keep you hungry for more of a false sense of achievement..  And that irritates me.  But I find myself going back to them time and again.  Just like I find myself staying up late at night checking on my facebook, because "What if something happened?"

-_-  Seriously, brain? It is a website.  It is the internet.  I care about the people on it.  I need to learn to communicate externally from a website whose sole point is to get people to be on it all day.  Facebook is not my life.

The first step is the hardest, right? Last night I didn't check my facebook before bed.  I'd left it alone for 2 hours and *didn't check it*.  This morning I wanted to post this as a status but changed my mind. Now, NOW I will check on those 28 notifications.