Living without Memories

Sounds weird, right?  That's pretty much me. I'm not sure if it's normal or not, I don't feel like it is. Allow me to explain a few things...

In my blogs, if it ever seems like I "stalled out" on a train of thought, something interrupted my focus, and I had to try to reassemble it. To me, it kinda feels like a train going so far off course it somehow went through a building and killed a bunch of people. Needless to say, it's difficult to clamber from that wreckage and find my way back to where I was.

And that's kinda how my memories are, too. I mean, I have minor ones. Itsy-bitsy glimpses of a moment that I don't really remember. Something about living with my Aunt and Uncle in California came to mind, but it's very basic. Nothing strong.  I have a general guideline of MAJOR major events. I often even forget that I was raped until it comes to mind due to one of my many trains of thought. I remember little glimpses of my childhood, half buried. Like something about getting knocked out in 3rd grade because I fell off the monkey bars and hit my head. I had a dream of two Jesuses telling me I wasn't ready to leave yet and woke up not remembering where or who I was. Or at least, I think that's what happened. But that's the problem, I don't even know.

I can't really trust my memories for full truth, because of the vast depths of my imagination. I'm not saying anything arrogant by that, either, really.. I mean it. I read books from such a young age that the stories are imbedded in my brain somewhere. So when I tried to remember I had to try to fill gaps to make sense of things that I thought happened.

But day to day, nothing's really going on in my head. I remember shards of conversation, and vastly out of order. Like, I'll remember saying something, or Jason saying something in a conversation, and I will totally, utterly remember it as if it happened yesterday, and it happened a week or two ago.  But I won't remember other things. Or I will remember something I said, but not anything from recent conversations.  It goes in one ear, out the other, and I wish I could keep them and remember them. It bugs me that I can't. I'm not sure why it happens. I really wish I knew..  It's difficult.

It's part of why, during a time of mental breakdown a few years ago, I even questioned if reality existed or if I was imagining giant portions of my life because it just didn't feel right.

It's honestly terrifying.  On the other hand, when I write my stories, I am so there I know everything about the world. It just downloads into my head as soon as the idea does.

But I can't remember what Jason and I spent an hour talking about yesterday afternoon. I know it was an important conversation, and a good one, and we understood each other and we didn't yell, and I know it was about communication and stuff going on, but I simply do not remember anything else.
My mind feels very clear when I eat a lot of vegetables. However, the problem is I automatically go for the meat, because if I don't eat meat I feel very weak, and the pasta to balance out the flavor, and I forget to eat it. I totally forget to eat the vegetables, and I have a ton in the house.

Wanna know something sad?  I even forget how long ago I took a shower. When I feel grungy, I take a shower. Little stuff like that.

Don't get me wrong. I don't forget to pay attention to Aedric. I don't forget to change his diapers, and I check the time regularly to make sure I feed him every 2-3 hours.  But everything else? Poof. Gone.

I feel like a phantom drifting through life, only anchored by stories I write and hugs from Aedric and Jason.

I forget what my friends look like, what they feel like when I hug them or they are around. I remember a few... but it's rare. And it really, really kills me inside. I don't know why I'm like this. I wish I knew.

Sorry, this one's a bit depressing, I just had to get it out there.  I live in the moment because I can't live any other way.