Living without Memories

Sounds weird, right?  That's pretty much me. I'm not sure if it's normal or not, I don't feel like it is. Allow me to explain a few things...

In my blogs, if it ever seems like I "stalled out" on a train of thought, something interrupted my focus, and I had to try to reassemble it. To me, it kinda feels like a train going so far off course it somehow went through a building and killed a bunch of people. Needless to say, it's difficult to clamber from that wreckage and find my way back to where I was.

And that's kinda how my memories are, too. I mean, I have minor ones. Itsy-bitsy glimpses of a moment that I don't really remember. Something about living with my Aunt and Uncle in California came to mind, but it's very basic. Nothing strong.  I have a general guideline of MAJOR major events. I often even forget that I was raped until it comes to mind due to one of my many trains of thought. I remember little glimpses of my childhood, half buried. Like something about getting knocked out in 3rd grade because I fell off the monkey bars and hit my head. I had a dream of two Jesuses telling me I wasn't ready to leave yet and woke up not remembering where or who I was. Or at least, I think that's what happened. But that's the problem, I don't even know.

I can't really trust my memories for full truth, because of the vast depths of my imagination. I'm not saying anything arrogant by that, either, really.. I mean it. I read books from such a young age that the stories are imbedded in my brain somewhere. So when I tried to remember I had to try to fill gaps to make sense of things that I thought happened.

But day to day, nothing's really going on in my head. I remember shards of conversation, and vastly out of order. Like, I'll remember saying something, or Jason saying something in a conversation, and I will totally, utterly remember it as if it happened yesterday, and it happened a week or two ago.  But I won't remember other things. Or I will remember something I said, but not anything from recent conversations.  It goes in one ear, out the other, and I wish I could keep them and remember them. It bugs me that I can't. I'm not sure why it happens. I really wish I knew..  It's difficult.

It's part of why, during a time of mental breakdown a few years ago, I even questioned if reality existed or if I was imagining giant portions of my life because it just didn't feel right.

It's honestly terrifying.  On the other hand, when I write my stories, I am so there I know everything about the world. It just downloads into my head as soon as the idea does.

But I can't remember what Jason and I spent an hour talking about yesterday afternoon. I know it was an important conversation, and a good one, and we understood each other and we didn't yell, and I know it was about communication and stuff going on, but I simply do not remember anything else.
My mind feels very clear when I eat a lot of vegetables. However, the problem is I automatically go for the meat, because if I don't eat meat I feel very weak, and the pasta to balance out the flavor, and I forget to eat it. I totally forget to eat the vegetables, and I have a ton in the house.

Wanna know something sad?  I even forget how long ago I took a shower. When I feel grungy, I take a shower. Little stuff like that.

Don't get me wrong. I don't forget to pay attention to Aedric. I don't forget to change his diapers, and I check the time regularly to make sure I feed him every 2-3 hours.  But everything else? Poof. Gone.

I feel like a phantom drifting through life, only anchored by stories I write and hugs from Aedric and Jason.

I forget what my friends look like, what they feel like when I hug them or they are around. I remember a few... but it's rare. And it really, really kills me inside. I don't know why I'm like this. I wish I knew.

Sorry, this one's a bit depressing, I just had to get it out there.  I live in the moment because I can't live any other way.

Time Waits For No Man

This is a poem I came up with, All rights reserved and whatnot.

"Time waits for no man, Sam!
No man, until we are free.
Something my father always told me..
But I just don't agree.
Time is more than a ticking watch,
Waiting for your last second.
It's a playful companion in your mind
Slowing and speeding all the time.
Sometimes a few days slip past ya,
Leaving you confused and fumbling.
Often an hour seems to drag on into infinity
Stretching toward nothing.
Oftentimes we aren't happy with what we call time
Wanting it to do as we wish
Rushing, rushing all the time.
We rush past what we don't want
Terrified it will last
We want to stop for the good times,
Wanting those to last forever.
All moments want to be cherished,
Loved on into forever.
We spend our lives restricting our loves, fears
Our dreams, ourselves.
Each moment should be held close,
As you learn from the worst of them.
Time doesn't wait for you,
It plays with you."