This is something I've noticed of quite a few people that I've met, both out here and just in general. I'm not alone in it. I've met many people who are uncomfortable in crowds, and I don't think it's nearly as rare or strange as we think. Everything we are, all our traits, problems, etc, we are never alone in them no matter how much we may feel it. There are 6.6 billion people on this planet, give or take, and while it may be a depressing viewpoint to most, I find it strangely inspiring to realize that I'm not alone, and that I'm NOT really all that special, because all of us are. People like to believe they're special and unique, and in some ways it's true. But BECAUSE of the simple fact that everyone is a unique blend of various traits in varying degrees, NO ONE is truly special.
And to me, in a way I can't fully articulate, that makes me feel better when I'm depressed. This is one of the (I really hope) few times I'll allow myself to go on a tangent, and the reason I am is because this really matters to me down to a core level. Whenever people get that attitude of "I matter more than you do because of ________", I really have to hide my thoughts. My immediate response is essentially along the lines of "You are one in 6.6 billion CURRENT humans on this very small planet in this extremely vast universe, which is unlikely to be alone in existence since it is EXPANDING. (I know, I use caps lock to emphasize. I'm lazy, sue me <3). The very idea that we are utterly alone, the only intelligent life to ever exist in this universe, is so absurd, it's not even insulting. It's basically humorous. Yes, the person wasn't precisely saying that, but if you think of the universe in terms of sheer vastness, it's highly likely that there are more amazing, beautiful, intelligent races out there than ourselves.
All of us matter, in a way, simply because each of us holds others in check and keeps the very shaky balance of our continued existence in line. To me, every life is beautiful and precious. However, when someone doesn't use that potential, and has no craving to better themselves or even act as they are capable of acting in a beneficial manner and instead chooses to be a dramatic whiny twat, it annoys me greatly.
Thus somewhat neatly bringing me back to the subject of this blog. Now that you know the terms on which I prefer to think (Universally rather than in small pieces), you may understand my version of social anxiety.
Currently, as I believe I said once before, I am living in a shelter. The blogs I type are generally typed up on Jason's laptop, or at the library, but generally Jason's laptop. I am trying to find work, I have nearly completed JRT, and will be looking for work this week. AKA that's me not wanting you to go oh, great, another useless member of society or something and click x. ANYWAY..
Dealing with the homeless youth of downtown Portland is extremely aggravating for me. It's akin to dealing with people in 6th to 8th grade in many ways. And in some ways, worse. Some aren't so bad, but some can be. Going to the day programs to eat, because my food stamps ran out, I have to wait in line cafeteria style feeling trapped against a wall by the other 50+ people squished into one room. Most of what they talk about has to do with music, how awesome they are, how they're going to beat someone's ass, or other stuff along those lines. I yearn for intellectual conversation, and thus this blog came forth.
The reason I've been very worried and leery about getting a customer service job is that I don't deal well with stupid people. And I don't mean stupid in the way that they are incapable of learning, I mean the ones who don't try and do not want to. Walking into a crowded room is like walking into an explosive minefield that suddenly bursts into flames as soon as you step close. It feels hot and uncomfortable, and I begin to feel trapped. Most people who have social anxiety get in some way scared. They tend to feel panicky and want to run. I get that, but I don't get scared. I get the AHH lots of people and within 3 seconds every time it shifts to AHHH PEOPLE... LEAVE ME ALONE in the aggressive don't talk to me way.
Needless to say, I have two friends in the entire continuum. What a surprise. Social anxiety is not a pleasant experience. It starts with a feeling of being backed against a wall, and then you start to notice that your chest hurts. It feels like you've been punched in the chest and it's difficult to breathe. Often times, I have to leave the room until the noise dies down. Perhaps for most it has nothing to do with the noise, but the noise somehow makes it worse. Possibly the fact that it's so loud, and there are people always moving, and it's very chaotic.. I honestly don't know.
But the reason I'm posting this is to let people know that they're not alone. Even the friends that don't show it have told me they get the same feeling, or something similar.
We live in an age of gamers, of people who are comfortable sitting in front of a computer screen for hours, days at a time, and need less social interaction. Perhaps it's not so strange after all.. That doesn't make it pleasant.
Yeah this was a very randomly put blog, it seemed to suit the subject, if it wasn't held together well enough to understand the point, I'm sorry. :(
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