And I use the term to mean both gay and weird. Yeah, I'm saying it. I want to know why you never really hear about the people like me... I feel awkward everywhere, to be honest with you. I am comfortable enough in myself to not notice it all the time, but I realized recently that part of the reason I don't like going to SMYRC (Sexual Minority Youth Resource Center) here in portland is partially due to the amount of screaming Bieber fanboys and girls, and partially due to the fact that I feel really uncomfortable being there. Not only do they not allow straight people on property, they also seemed to have an attitude with me when I came up to them last year to sign up to be able to come hang out if I wanted to.. I told them that I don't really have a sexual preference. When they asked if I was bi, I said no.
Why? Because I'm not. I'm not bisexual, really. I suppose it may be possible for me to be attracted to a male sexually, or a female sexually, but all in all I am not a sexually oriented person. I don't identify as male or female. I identify as both and neither simultaneously.. Which sadly people don't seem to understand.
I don't get why they don't. Maybe it's because we live in such a highly sexualized world that it's perceived as strange and abnormal to be uninterested in sex.. But I'm not. I don't get aroused by seeing someone naked. In fact, it's almost the opposite. I like the male figure. I like the female figure. But the sex organs? I mean, what the fuck, man? Really? What the hell..
They look funny, on the most positive side, and creepy on the most negative. A vagina to me looks like an angry taco, sometimes with fur, sometimes bald. A penis looks like a deformed mushroom-banana mixture creation. It's not attractive. It's downright fucking weird.
That being said, I am a total fan of nude art. Note, nude art. Not pornography. I hate pornography, it's disgusting and at best just makes me want to giggle and puke at the same time. I mean, how can you look at the two bodies bouncing off each other, and flesh flailing in every direction and get aroused? I mean, really. Between breasts jiggling like floppy punching bags, and the actual appearance of the penis going into or out of the mouth.. The facial contortions people make and the fact that it's all so obviously fake, how does anyone like it??
I don't perceive myself as being male or female. I am in a female body, but that's about it.. I'm like a nongendered patron taking a ride in a human life as a female. Obviously, being pregnant makes that interesting.
I don't want to be called he or she. I don't really care. I let people call me she/her because I guess I tend to act more feminine in some ways, while in others I definitely don't. I'm too outspoken, supposedly, for one thing. I hate the idea of wearing a purse or putting on makeup. I like buying and wearing different clothes. I really like variety.
But I'm neither a he nor a she at heart, and I'm not really sexually interested in anyone. That's kind of a hard, almost mean thing for me to say. I actually feel guilty about it, at times, because I do love my husband very deeply. I'm pregnant with his child. But sex is uncomfortable for the most part for me, and I prefer hugs to kisses. But where do I stand, really? I'm not gay, bi, lesbian, or transgendered, in the true sense of the words. Where do I belong?
Friday, September 2, 2011
Being a "Bitch"
You know... (Mind you, I am writing this with a big happy smile on my face) I actually really like it when I get called a bitch. No, really.. I do. It's a high compliment for me. I am trying to keep my own personal life off this blog, as I have a facebook for that, but.. this is something that really strikes a chord in me. A very loud, resounding chord that shakes the very air around me, in a good way. I can almost feel it vibrating on my skin. When I get called a bitch, I feel almost a wave of psychological power wash over me, in a manner of speaking.
Calling someone a bitch is not as degrading as it once was. In some contexts it is, such as with pimps etc (And I mean the literal kind, not the idiotic ghetto people who use the term to show how "cool" and "hardcore" they are..) In fact, in most cases although it is meant as an insult, if you really think of the actions/attitudes said woman took to achieve the social status of being known as a bitch, you'll notice it really just means she doesn't take any guff from anyone.
Guff. I like that word. :)
People can suck. I think everyone reading this blog has met that jackass that they really want to trip down a flight of stairs just to see them fall. Let's be honest with each other here, this is the internet, we are allowed. For that matter, I will talk directly to you, whoever you are who happens to be reading this. Humans have a tendency to immediately judge someone within moments. Sure, not everyone does this as intensely as others, but it is human nature to observe and pass judgement. It isn't even a bad thing. Not really.
I'm sure there's someone at your work who is so utterly dramatic you just can't stand them. I'm sure there's someone who shoves their nose in everyone else's business and will not let anyone around them live in peace without informing them, with all the glitz and glamour they can stuff into the words, all about someone else's life, or a situation they heard of. These people exist. I'm not sure why, personally, but they do. I don't quite understand the reasoning behind it, or why people actually like to involve themselves in other people's lives to such an extent after having passed the tender age of 13, but to each their own.
Now... When it comes right down to it, being a bitch is not putting up with people's crap. Generally, you're a bitch when you stand up for yourself, for what you believe in, and cut off the drama and lies. You're more aggressive than passive in your want to be left alone, and you tend to be very blunt with what you think about different things. You don't let society cow you. That is not something that you should ever be ashamed of. The word "Bitch"as an insult tends to be from other females who are affronted by said Bitch, or from men who have been similarly insulted/put in their place. People have quite a few tendencies. Another is getting arrogant. I will also fully admit I can be an arrogant asshole. Everyone can. However, when people have been showing signs of arrogance for a long time and have not been properly set in their place, when they finally are they do not take it very well.
I guess what I'm really saying here is, I'm not ashamed of not being passive about some things. I'll be quiet about stuff. I'll keep my mouth shut and keep to myself until you try to involve me in your drama and your, well, crap, but I am not ashamed that I will get outspoken and stand up for myself, my opinions, and try to show honesty.. Even if it means pointing out when someone is lying or exaggerating.
Where did this entire thought come from? I re-met someone I haven't seen in over 6 months who I never really talked to before, and she said that I'm apparently "less of a bitch"now. I think in all honesty all it really took was getting to know me. Try to get to know that bitch who seems like this. Some bitches are just more vicious versions of the drama queen, but the quiet ones often aren't. I can't tell you how many bitches I'm proud to be friends with.
Calling someone a bitch is not as degrading as it once was. In some contexts it is, such as with pimps etc (And I mean the literal kind, not the idiotic ghetto people who use the term to show how "cool" and "hardcore" they are..) In fact, in most cases although it is meant as an insult, if you really think of the actions/attitudes said woman took to achieve the social status of being known as a bitch, you'll notice it really just means she doesn't take any guff from anyone.
Guff. I like that word. :)
People can suck. I think everyone reading this blog has met that jackass that they really want to trip down a flight of stairs just to see them fall. Let's be honest with each other here, this is the internet, we are allowed. For that matter, I will talk directly to you, whoever you are who happens to be reading this. Humans have a tendency to immediately judge someone within moments. Sure, not everyone does this as intensely as others, but it is human nature to observe and pass judgement. It isn't even a bad thing. Not really.
I'm sure there's someone at your work who is so utterly dramatic you just can't stand them. I'm sure there's someone who shoves their nose in everyone else's business and will not let anyone around them live in peace without informing them, with all the glitz and glamour they can stuff into the words, all about someone else's life, or a situation they heard of. These people exist. I'm not sure why, personally, but they do. I don't quite understand the reasoning behind it, or why people actually like to involve themselves in other people's lives to such an extent after having passed the tender age of 13, but to each their own.
Now... When it comes right down to it, being a bitch is not putting up with people's crap. Generally, you're a bitch when you stand up for yourself, for what you believe in, and cut off the drama and lies. You're more aggressive than passive in your want to be left alone, and you tend to be very blunt with what you think about different things. You don't let society cow you. That is not something that you should ever be ashamed of. The word "Bitch"as an insult tends to be from other females who are affronted by said Bitch, or from men who have been similarly insulted/put in their place. People have quite a few tendencies. Another is getting arrogant. I will also fully admit I can be an arrogant asshole. Everyone can. However, when people have been showing signs of arrogance for a long time and have not been properly set in their place, when they finally are they do not take it very well.
I guess what I'm really saying here is, I'm not ashamed of not being passive about some things. I'll be quiet about stuff. I'll keep my mouth shut and keep to myself until you try to involve me in your drama and your, well, crap, but I am not ashamed that I will get outspoken and stand up for myself, my opinions, and try to show honesty.. Even if it means pointing out when someone is lying or exaggerating.
Where did this entire thought come from? I re-met someone I haven't seen in over 6 months who I never really talked to before, and she said that I'm apparently "less of a bitch"now. I think in all honesty all it really took was getting to know me. Try to get to know that bitch who seems like this. Some bitches are just more vicious versions of the drama queen, but the quiet ones often aren't. I can't tell you how many bitches I'm proud to be friends with.
Monday, August 29, 2011
That is utterly appalling.
Just got back into downtown today. Found out that there's a 30 person wait list for case management at Outside In (the youth homeless program in Downtown Portland). Found out we can't even get into the shelter as emergency cases or get emergency nights anymore because we aren't even in the system.
So can someone tell me why, when we live in the 21st century, people don't give a shit about the homeless? Nothing has been done about this. No new shelters have been implemented. Outside In can't afford the staff for their caseload. And nothing. Not one fucking thing is being done about it?
I'm 5 and 1/2 months pregnant, approximately. Due December 28th. And unless a miracle happens I'll be sleeping outside tonight under a bridge somewhere in the rain, because no one gives two shits about the homeless enough to make a real difference. WHY? It's a very simple question, why will no one answer me? Why don't people care about this? Why is nothing being done? Why is it that in one of the most homeless friendly cities in the country, I am having to sleep outside even though I'm not a drug addict, if I took a urine test it would be like, passing with a fucking rainbow, and I HAVE A GODDAMN PLAN?
Why are there only 30 beds in the emergency shelter for youth? Why does no one fucking give a shit? I wouldn't normally swear but this is really making me livid.
So can someone tell me why, when we live in the 21st century, people don't give a shit about the homeless? Nothing has been done about this. No new shelters have been implemented. Outside In can't afford the staff for their caseload. And nothing. Not one fucking thing is being done about it?
I'm 5 and 1/2 months pregnant, approximately. Due December 28th. And unless a miracle happens I'll be sleeping outside tonight under a bridge somewhere in the rain, because no one gives two shits about the homeless enough to make a real difference. WHY? It's a very simple question, why will no one answer me? Why don't people care about this? Why is nothing being done? Why is it that in one of the most homeless friendly cities in the country, I am having to sleep outside even though I'm not a drug addict, if I took a urine test it would be like, passing with a fucking rainbow, and I HAVE A GODDAMN PLAN?
Why are there only 30 beds in the emergency shelter for youth? Why does no one fucking give a shit? I wouldn't normally swear but this is really making me livid.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Business Idea...
Well, to me it is a business idea. I guess it could be considered many things. See, I've had a craving lately, and not for food. A craving to create. Perhaps it's because my own life has been so utterly chaotic these last few years, I want to make myself a little bit of order to maintain my sanity. Who knows. Anyway, I got thinking, because I am of an activist/caring/fiery mind, about all the people I've met, out here and in Portland, who are homeless, feel worthless, but yet can make or do amazing, beautiful things... and just don't think about it.
I type 90 wpm. I'm also almost 6 months pregnant. I made a very stupid choice in who I listened to, and came out here regardless of different (though no better..) options. Well, I learned my lesson. And due to other things that happened, Jason's parents were good enough to spend quite a bit of money to help him and I out.. We now owe them 500 dollars. Totally understandable, though it makes me no less irritated at the circumstances in which I owe them said money, but that's a personal matter and doesn't belong here.
Anyway, I started thinking of all the homeless youth and people who feel worthless, because psychologically it's extremely traumatizing and degrading. Even the strongest in spirit will eventually be worn down. And many people I've met are amazing artists, or good with crafting, or like to knit or paint or whatever. Well, I have a proposition for them. It's going to just be a Portland thing (unless I guess other people want to donate stuff to be sold and I could use the profits to buy supplies? o_O Only reason I'm throwing that out there is I've had some unexpected offers of late and it's opening my mind to possibilities once again.)
I'm going to get some yarn and some needles and start working on a baby blanket, seeing as I'm due December 28th. But, I'm also going to start making bracelets and scarves and anklets and wrist/forearm warmers, and I'm going to start selling them. I'm going to share any materials I get that I can with other people who are interested in starting this with me, and I'll sit down by saturday market with a piece of paper and sell everything I can. I'll keep track of how much people want for x item, and I will be able to tell customers about the person who made the item, because this does tie in with Project Identity. The homeless are people too. We still have feelings, we still have desires, we still have dreams and yearnings and characteristics as individuals.
You don't lose your humanity because you're poor.
Anyway, I'm going to try to expand this.. See who all I can get interested in it, get people to teach each other how to do things. I can knit (very basically) and I know how to do macrame.. I'll take paintings and jewelry etc as well. I'm actually also hoping to get connected with a way to make stickers for cheap so I can sell them, I have a good idea for what I want it to say.
All proceeds will go back to the person who made the item, and people can donate either gift cards or cash that will go to supplies only. None of the people I get this for will be buying hard drugs with it. Period. I'll handle the gift cards/supplies, and we can do meetups in the Park Blocks or something, we can figure it out. :) I hope people like this idea, I know I do. Eventually I want to have this be a booth or a website I can do too. :)
I type 90 wpm. I'm also almost 6 months pregnant. I made a very stupid choice in who I listened to, and came out here regardless of different (though no better..) options. Well, I learned my lesson. And due to other things that happened, Jason's parents were good enough to spend quite a bit of money to help him and I out.. We now owe them 500 dollars. Totally understandable, though it makes me no less irritated at the circumstances in which I owe them said money, but that's a personal matter and doesn't belong here.
Anyway, I started thinking of all the homeless youth and people who feel worthless, because psychologically it's extremely traumatizing and degrading. Even the strongest in spirit will eventually be worn down. And many people I've met are amazing artists, or good with crafting, or like to knit or paint or whatever. Well, I have a proposition for them. It's going to just be a Portland thing (unless I guess other people want to donate stuff to be sold and I could use the profits to buy supplies? o_O Only reason I'm throwing that out there is I've had some unexpected offers of late and it's opening my mind to possibilities once again.)
I'm going to get some yarn and some needles and start working on a baby blanket, seeing as I'm due December 28th. But, I'm also going to start making bracelets and scarves and anklets and wrist/forearm warmers, and I'm going to start selling them. I'm going to share any materials I get that I can with other people who are interested in starting this with me, and I'll sit down by saturday market with a piece of paper and sell everything I can. I'll keep track of how much people want for x item, and I will be able to tell customers about the person who made the item, because this does tie in with Project Identity. The homeless are people too. We still have feelings, we still have desires, we still have dreams and yearnings and characteristics as individuals.
You don't lose your humanity because you're poor.
Anyway, I'm going to try to expand this.. See who all I can get interested in it, get people to teach each other how to do things. I can knit (very basically) and I know how to do macrame.. I'll take paintings and jewelry etc as well. I'm actually also hoping to get connected with a way to make stickers for cheap so I can sell them, I have a good idea for what I want it to say.
All proceeds will go back to the person who made the item, and people can donate either gift cards or cash that will go to supplies only. None of the people I get this for will be buying hard drugs with it. Period. I'll handle the gift cards/supplies, and we can do meetups in the Park Blocks or something, we can figure it out. :) I hope people like this idea, I know I do. Eventually I want to have this be a booth or a website I can do too. :)
Thursday, August 18, 2011
A Shout-Out/Thank You
This is more along a personal line, and I won't be going into too much detail as to what happened/how I'm feeling otherwise, but this is a thank you.
To all my friends who've stood by my side, and wished me well in this troubled time, and those who have sent what they could, and those who couldn't afford it. For those of you who hope for the best for me, and are sending positive thoughts, I just wanted to say thank you, from the bottom of my heart. The overwhelming generosity and kindness of people I "barely know" is astounding, and is slowly restoring my tattered faith in humanity. No, I'm not being melodramatic, I do have issues with people in general, and the simple fact of all the offers I've received of getting care packages sent back to Portland where I can receive them, and people saying they'd let me stay there if they had a place/lived near me/could/etc.. All the people who are boosting my spirits when I need it the most I wanted to say thank you, in the most profound way I can.
I can't tell you what it means to me to have people treat me as if I am a good person, a person deserving of respect and kindness and compliments.. I try to be a good person, as best I can, and I try to deal with my issues as best I can, and sometimes I fail. Sometimes I mess up. But.. It's nice to know that people out there see me trying, and see me for who I am, for who I am doing my best to be.
So, thank you. Thank you for the overwhelming support I've received, from people I didn't even know read my statuses. Thank you for caring. :) *hugs* You're really helping, emotionally as well as financially, hahahaha.
To all my friends who've stood by my side, and wished me well in this troubled time, and those who have sent what they could, and those who couldn't afford it. For those of you who hope for the best for me, and are sending positive thoughts, I just wanted to say thank you, from the bottom of my heart. The overwhelming generosity and kindness of people I "barely know" is astounding, and is slowly restoring my tattered faith in humanity. No, I'm not being melodramatic, I do have issues with people in general, and the simple fact of all the offers I've received of getting care packages sent back to Portland where I can receive them, and people saying they'd let me stay there if they had a place/lived near me/could/etc.. All the people who are boosting my spirits when I need it the most I wanted to say thank you, in the most profound way I can.
I can't tell you what it means to me to have people treat me as if I am a good person, a person deserving of respect and kindness and compliments.. I try to be a good person, as best I can, and I try to deal with my issues as best I can, and sometimes I fail. Sometimes I mess up. But.. It's nice to know that people out there see me trying, and see me for who I am, for who I am doing my best to be.
So, thank you. Thank you for the overwhelming support I've received, from people I didn't even know read my statuses. Thank you for caring. :) *hugs* You're really helping, emotionally as well as financially, hahahaha.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
New, New, New!!!
I'm starting a website soon (well, when I can afford it). I am very serious about my photography, and I want to grow as a person out in the world/workforce. I want to make a name for myself. I'm 5 months pregnant and have 4 months to get an apartment. Soon I am moving back to the only place I've ever felt at home. Portland, Oregon. It struck me just this morning, to wonder if real estate agents etc ever hire photographers to take good pictures. To be able to sell a good house, you have to see/show a good house. You want unique pictures that will capture the interest of the potential buyers. That goes with everything from people, to ideas, to products, to just plain beauty.
Here is my plan thus far. I get there August 24th. The very next day I am going to Outside In at 9 am and asking very politely and firmly to get signed up for case management again. I need to get back on Streetlight's wait list so I can have stable housing for my child. I am going to work with them to see if they can help me get a part time job so I can save up money. I am going to work on my photography more. I am going to start my website, and this blog will be moved there as soon as it is up. The website will be primarily focused on my blog, my photography, and activism I am taking part in (Primarily homelessness, poverty, food needs, etc)
I am a professional. I am 23 years old, and I am going to make a name for myself. :)
Here is my plan thus far. I get there August 24th. The very next day I am going to Outside In at 9 am and asking very politely and firmly to get signed up for case management again. I need to get back on Streetlight's wait list so I can have stable housing for my child. I am going to work with them to see if they can help me get a part time job so I can save up money. I am going to work on my photography more. I am going to start my website, and this blog will be moved there as soon as it is up. The website will be primarily focused on my blog, my photography, and activism I am taking part in (Primarily homelessness, poverty, food needs, etc)
I am a professional. I am 23 years old, and I am going to make a name for myself. :)
Thursday, July 28, 2011
It's true, but it's not okay.
This is one of those things that just really, really sets me off. Our entire society is so cutthroat, that it doesn't care about the lowest on the financial totem pole. "They brought it upon themselves". "They're too lazy". "They're screwing the system". No, that's not true.. Not really. Getting screwed by the system and by other people is what got them to that point. Can someone please tell me why it is, that we just sit back and watch the massive corporations who are leeching off our life get away with crazy shit? I mean... Okay.
For example.. Did you know it costs about .0052 cents for the concentrate to make a glass of soda? At McDonalds, it's what, at least a dollar for one. Major profit margin there. I get the point of it, it helps the places pay for electricity etc, but still.. I mean, how much does it really cost to MAKE this shit we have to buy? (Not soda, you don't HAVE to buy soda).
It's totally okay for corporations to be utterly cutthroat and not give a shit about their own employees. Oh, minimum wage went up? Okay, cut hours, try to get rid of some people making more so we can pay them less. And we don't fight this. The government doesn't care. Why? Why is it okay that minimum wage, if you're living alone, doesn't cover rent and food? At most places in most cities, you have to make at least twice or 3x the rent.
Minimum wage doesn't garauntee that for people who work at McDonalds or any job like that where the hours are flexible. Why do we just sit idly by and just.. let it happen???
When they moved all the jobs overseas because of minimum wage going up, I really think they should have had some sort of "punishment tax" because of it. We lost a LOT of jobs that way. And what really pisses me off is, the American people don't seem to care enough to do anything about it. Is it because they don't know how, or where to start? Or do they feel like it's useless to bother??
Why does it seem like so few people care about this? About things like this? Yeah, it happens. Minimum wage goes up, so they lose a little bit of profit. It's not like they can't afford it. Ugh. It really, utterly sickens me.
For example.. Did you know it costs about .0052 cents for the concentrate to make a glass of soda? At McDonalds, it's what, at least a dollar for one. Major profit margin there. I get the point of it, it helps the places pay for electricity etc, but still.. I mean, how much does it really cost to MAKE this shit we have to buy? (Not soda, you don't HAVE to buy soda).
It's totally okay for corporations to be utterly cutthroat and not give a shit about their own employees. Oh, minimum wage went up? Okay, cut hours, try to get rid of some people making more so we can pay them less. And we don't fight this. The government doesn't care. Why? Why is it okay that minimum wage, if you're living alone, doesn't cover rent and food? At most places in most cities, you have to make at least twice or 3x the rent.
Minimum wage doesn't garauntee that for people who work at McDonalds or any job like that where the hours are flexible. Why do we just sit idly by and just.. let it happen???
When they moved all the jobs overseas because of minimum wage going up, I really think they should have had some sort of "punishment tax" because of it. We lost a LOT of jobs that way. And what really pisses me off is, the American people don't seem to care enough to do anything about it. Is it because they don't know how, or where to start? Or do they feel like it's useless to bother??
Why does it seem like so few people care about this? About things like this? Yeah, it happens. Minimum wage goes up, so they lose a little bit of profit. It's not like they can't afford it. Ugh. It really, utterly sickens me.
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