Social Anxiety Disorder, Undiagnosed

This is something I've struggled with for a long time, put off, ignored, explained away, and just sort of.... tried to survive.  Humans are social creatures, right?  Well, I'm at least partly human. I prefer communicating online for a variety of reasons.  I don't have to try to read facial expressions- I suck at it. Absolutely terrible. I always tend to think people are angry with me, for some reason. I think something's wrong when it's not. Perhaps it's just a set-in fear that I'm doing something wrong, not fitting in. Not meant to be here. I don't belong.

Hell, when people are in the room I shut down so completely now I can't even read to escape them. I convince myself that I can't write because there is something about them

I convince myself that even them talking is just more things backing me into a corner til all I want to do is scream.

In middle and high school, I'd duck and weave through the crowds. I'd avoid people and physical contact as much as possible.

In 10th grade, a science teacher had us go up to the table at the front of the room, and gather papers. The idea panicked me, so what did I do? I crawled under all the desks, shoved my way between two people, grabbed all the papers, and went back to my desk the same way.  Needless to say I didn't have a ton of friends.

I mean, post childbirth I ate hardly anything for two weeks because I am staying at a homeless shelter, about to get in to an apartment.. And one of the rules is you can only eat the food they provide. We're allowed to eat what we want, off site.

Now, here's the problem with that, and my problematic thinking.  I have a newborn. He wakes up at a cricket's sneeze.  The shelter and this day program have approximately 6 families here at any given time, who have no respect for anyone else. Needless to say the kitchen is hectic, noisy, and a garaunteed panic attack. Jason (my husband) has had the food stamp card this month, and if I leave the day shelter (by an elevator) I need someone to open the door for me when I come back, because I can't take the stroller down the stairs.

Last night I took a drug test for the shelter I am staying at. I was having such a panic attack my leg was bouncing so much it looked like I was tweaking out. I had to explain that I was not under any influences, that I was having a panic attack.  I mean, really. This is screwing up my life.

But I don't trust therapists/shrinks/etc, either. So now it's come to the point where I NEED help but I'm afraid of it.

This world is very unfriendly to people with Social Anxiety. :/