I don't really know if that's what I have. I'm not a huge fan of labels, I looked it up years ago but my memories are shit. This is going to take a lot of courage for me to post about, but I'm okay with that. I'm ok with people thinking I'm weird, or judging me because I'm not "like them".
I've never had any sexual interests in anyone. I just... don't. I have never looked at someone and said "Damn, I'd love to have sex with them." I can see either gender as beautiful aesthetically and from an appreciation for life and the human form, but not for actual interest like that.
It doesn't mean I don't love my husband. He means the world to me and more. And it is nothing against him, he's beautiful to me. It's not anything with him, or anything that's happened to me. I just have never had an interest in sex. I have been aroused before, but frankly it lasts less than 30 seconds. I masturbate, but it's more clinical and for the release of endorphins to help me sleep.
Aedric was born in love. He wasn't planned, it was a honeymoon type thing.
And I'm not exaggerating. I am not saying this to garner attention, in fact I am pushing myself to finally bare a part of me I've not commented on. In a world this relentlessly, powerfully sexual, I feel a little out of place and uncomfortable. Some seductive/sensual images interest me, but it's because of the power of the person, the power they hold, not any kind of arousal or interest in what might happen when their clothes come off.
Whether I am this thing or not, it does not matter to me. In my opinion, it should not matter to you, either, I am just finally attempting to describe myself and how I feel.
I haven't changed. I'm just explaining some behaviors that may or may not have made sense.
I am drawn to personalities, like beautiful glowing gems in a beach of mud. I love my friends deeply, and purely, with all of me. My possible asexualism (As, again, I don't know if that's a label I want to drape upon myself) doesn't affect my ability to love and care for people.
Perhaps it'll explain to you why I get so frustrated with the sexualization of our culture. I'm a feminist, not a feminazi. The only reason I've been termed one is that it is supposedly not "ladylike"to be aggressive in your beliefs. But since when has gender mattered to me?
About 3-4 years ago I accepted myself as being something "non normal"... By that I mean the pure middle line traditional thought of human. Male, female, straight, gay, bisexual. Whatever. I considered my self, and I quote, "Neither gender, and both simultaneously." That is because, to me, gender is something in the mind. Genders in and of themselves don't mean shit. All they are are a list of character traits we decided to tack on to a phallus or breasts, as we deem fitting. Why is it strange I don't want to choose those specific characteristics for myself?
I've never really had any interest in sex though. I've had sex. (Obviously, derp, I have a baby..) That doesn't mean I was the one who wanted it or instigated it. I've been raped once, and tried sex a few different times (literally....) It never really did anything for me. All that grunting? What's the point?
I went through a phase of trying to see "what was wrong with me" and had sex with different people. (Literally one a year...) Jason's the first to really make me happy. (Not like that :P In general. Though like that too.. XD)
I was like this before I was raped. I was like this before my dad's drunken ranting about women when I was younger. I was like this for as long as I can remember, just like my social anxiety. Perhaps they're tied together. I don't know.
That's the thing. I don't know, but I'm okay with it. I'm finally, really okay with it. It's still weird to me, not because I feel weird but because everyone else I meet (well aside from a few people) are "normal". But life isn't about being normal. I am on this world for MAYBE 100 years. If I'm that lucky/unlucky (who wants to need diapers? :( That's sad.) I'm not going to waste my time anymore trying to "Fit in". I'm just going to fit ME, as ever-evolving as that is.
I'm sorry if for some reason you feel I've disappointed you. Perhaps you need to re-evaluate your relationship with me and why you think it's "wrong" or "strange". That's your battle.
Me? I've got a sleeping baby in the next room and a husband on the couch, and library in my mind waiting to come out. I am going to live my life and see what happens. And I'm glad for sex. It got me Aedric. I just have no real interest in it. :D <3
Some info: http://www.asexuality.org/home/overview.html
Showing posts with label existence. Show all posts
Showing posts with label existence. Show all posts
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Time Waits For No Man
This is a poem I came up with, All rights reserved and whatnot.
"Time waits for no man, Sam!
No man, until we are free.
Something my father always told me..
But I just don't agree.
Time is more than a ticking watch,
Waiting for your last second.
It's a playful companion in your mind
Slowing and speeding all the time.
Sometimes a few days slip past ya,
Leaving you confused and fumbling.
Often an hour seems to drag on into infinity
Stretching toward nothing.
Oftentimes we aren't happy with what we call time
Wanting it to do as we wish
Rushing, rushing all the time.
We rush past what we don't want
Terrified it will last
We want to stop for the good times,
Wanting those to last forever.
All moments want to be cherished,
Loved on into forever.
We spend our lives restricting our loves, fears
Our dreams, ourselves.
Each moment should be held close,
As you learn from the worst of them.
Time doesn't wait for you,
It plays with you."
"Time waits for no man, Sam!
No man, until we are free.
Something my father always told me..
But I just don't agree.
Time is more than a ticking watch,
Waiting for your last second.
It's a playful companion in your mind
Slowing and speeding all the time.
Sometimes a few days slip past ya,
Leaving you confused and fumbling.
Often an hour seems to drag on into infinity
Stretching toward nothing.
Oftentimes we aren't happy with what we call time
Wanting it to do as we wish
Rushing, rushing all the time.
We rush past what we don't want
Terrified it will last
We want to stop for the good times,
Wanting those to last forever.
All moments want to be cherished,
Loved on into forever.
We spend our lives restricting our loves, fears
Our dreams, ourselves.
Each moment should be held close,
As you learn from the worst of them.
Time doesn't wait for you,
It plays with you."
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Individuality
Individuality and uniqueness is something I've praised and cherished for a long time. Again for as long as I can remember.. (Approximately age 12. Before that everything's blurry..)
When I was younger, and mostly to date I've always had one key thing about my appearance that stayed the same for a period of time. While growing up I didn't have the funds to dress like I wanted, but I observed enough people's styles to pick and choose what I liked. Thanks to a conversation with my boyfriend yesterday, we pinned down approximately my style range. I tend to range, depending immensely on my mood and purpose, to like things of the following categories- Steampunk, punk(ish), extremely bright clashing hippie, and I think that may have been it. I love the variety of styles I see every day, it makes me happy to realize that there are so many people out there, with their own unique likes and dislikes.
We show more than we realize by what we wear. When we feel frumpy we tend to not really care what we look like and look laidback and careless. When we want to dress nice, we also tend to alter our posture. Everything we do resonates all throughout our self in ways that we don't necessarily even notice. Clothes are a form of psychological armor. When we feel comfortable, we feel safe and confident. When we feel uncomfortable, we usually can't hide it.
Individual uniqueness is something we all share. We're all the same in our craving to be seen as special, in our small yearning to be acknowledged by others in society. Because the universe is vast, and there are so many of us, a small, understandable fear reigns beneath our subconscious, a fear that we are meaningless, invisible, unnoticeable. I cherish all life for its potential, for the fact that it exists. I cherish individuality, even though it's in everyone. You know the phrase, I'm sure. You're a unique snowflake, just like everyone else. It's true, but it doesn't have to be a negative way of looking at it.
As I've stated, I'm a universal thinker. I find all life, all of existence to be amazing, fascinating, wonderful and beautiful even though it's terrifying. The fact that I am so small and universally meaningless also makes me feel amazed to be alive, to feel, to see, to breathe, to walk, to laugh, to live and to love.
Everything we perceive, everything we see, all communication we have, everything we do or think about doing or possibly could do is due to a wrinkly, lumpy 3 lb of flesh in your skull. Neurons you can't even see are firing and sending electrical pulses telling your body if it's hot or cold, making you aware of your surroundings. Though you are not looking at the ground, your body is able to keep walking forward in a roughly straight line at an incline, walking up and down hills and maintaining the balance of your very strangely balanced body. You are breathing, digesting food, your heart is pounding and your bones are moving due to muscle being told to move by the brain..
And this is all happening so fast and so casually you don't even notice. Feelings you have of sorrow and happiness, missing someone and being glad to see them again, all of that occurs in your brain. Everything you see is what your brain interprets so quickly you don't realize it's happening, it just is.
Life is an amazing, beautiful experience.. Don't regret it, even for a moment. Though this world is not always the most pleasant to put up with, the people are not always the nicest or most caring, think of all the amazing systems going on around you, and simply be amazed. Amazed that the trees are growing and emitting oxygen, eating carbon dioxide and continuing to live even through winter.
Be amazed that we have such a vast array of things we can want just because someone wondered what would happen if you mixed various things together. Be happy.
When I was younger, and mostly to date I've always had one key thing about my appearance that stayed the same for a period of time. While growing up I didn't have the funds to dress like I wanted, but I observed enough people's styles to pick and choose what I liked. Thanks to a conversation with my boyfriend yesterday, we pinned down approximately my style range. I tend to range, depending immensely on my mood and purpose, to like things of the following categories- Steampunk, punk(ish), extremely bright clashing hippie, and I think that may have been it. I love the variety of styles I see every day, it makes me happy to realize that there are so many people out there, with their own unique likes and dislikes.
We show more than we realize by what we wear. When we feel frumpy we tend to not really care what we look like and look laidback and careless. When we want to dress nice, we also tend to alter our posture. Everything we do resonates all throughout our self in ways that we don't necessarily even notice. Clothes are a form of psychological armor. When we feel comfortable, we feel safe and confident. When we feel uncomfortable, we usually can't hide it.
Individual uniqueness is something we all share. We're all the same in our craving to be seen as special, in our small yearning to be acknowledged by others in society. Because the universe is vast, and there are so many of us, a small, understandable fear reigns beneath our subconscious, a fear that we are meaningless, invisible, unnoticeable. I cherish all life for its potential, for the fact that it exists. I cherish individuality, even though it's in everyone. You know the phrase, I'm sure. You're a unique snowflake, just like everyone else. It's true, but it doesn't have to be a negative way of looking at it.
As I've stated, I'm a universal thinker. I find all life, all of existence to be amazing, fascinating, wonderful and beautiful even though it's terrifying. The fact that I am so small and universally meaningless also makes me feel amazed to be alive, to feel, to see, to breathe, to walk, to laugh, to live and to love.
Everything we perceive, everything we see, all communication we have, everything we do or think about doing or possibly could do is due to a wrinkly, lumpy 3 lb of flesh in your skull. Neurons you can't even see are firing and sending electrical pulses telling your body if it's hot or cold, making you aware of your surroundings. Though you are not looking at the ground, your body is able to keep walking forward in a roughly straight line at an incline, walking up and down hills and maintaining the balance of your very strangely balanced body. You are breathing, digesting food, your heart is pounding and your bones are moving due to muscle being told to move by the brain..
And this is all happening so fast and so casually you don't even notice. Feelings you have of sorrow and happiness, missing someone and being glad to see them again, all of that occurs in your brain. Everything you see is what your brain interprets so quickly you don't realize it's happening, it just is.
Life is an amazing, beautiful experience.. Don't regret it, even for a moment. Though this world is not always the most pleasant to put up with, the people are not always the nicest or most caring, think of all the amazing systems going on around you, and simply be amazed. Amazed that the trees are growing and emitting oxygen, eating carbon dioxide and continuing to live even through winter.
Be amazed that we have such a vast array of things we can want just because someone wondered what would happen if you mixed various things together. Be happy.
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