I don't really know if that's what I have. I'm not a huge fan of labels, I looked it up years ago but my memories are shit. This is going to take a lot of courage for me to post about, but I'm okay with that. I'm ok with people thinking I'm weird, or judging me because I'm not "like them".
I've never had any sexual interests in anyone. I just... don't. I have never looked at someone and said "Damn, I'd love to have sex with them." I can see either gender as beautiful aesthetically and from an appreciation for life and the human form, but not for actual interest like that.
It doesn't mean I don't love my husband. He means the world to me and more. And it is nothing against him, he's beautiful to me. It's not anything with him, or anything that's happened to me. I just have never had an interest in sex. I have been aroused before, but frankly it lasts less than 30 seconds. I masturbate, but it's more clinical and for the release of endorphins to help me sleep.
Aedric was born in love. He wasn't planned, it was a honeymoon type thing.
And I'm not exaggerating. I am not saying this to garner attention, in fact I am pushing myself to finally bare a part of me I've not commented on. In a world this relentlessly, powerfully sexual, I feel a little out of place and uncomfortable. Some seductive/sensual images interest me, but it's because of the power of the person, the power they hold, not any kind of arousal or interest in what might happen when their clothes come off.
Whether I am this thing or not, it does not matter to me. In my opinion, it should not matter to you, either, I am just finally attempting to describe myself and how I feel.
I haven't changed. I'm just explaining some behaviors that may or may not have made sense.
I am drawn to personalities, like beautiful glowing gems in a beach of mud. I love my friends deeply, and purely, with all of me. My possible asexualism (As, again, I don't know if that's a label I want to drape upon myself) doesn't affect my ability to love and care for people.
Perhaps it'll explain to you why I get so frustrated with the sexualization of our culture. I'm a feminist, not a feminazi. The only reason I've been termed one is that it is supposedly not "ladylike"to be aggressive in your beliefs. But since when has gender mattered to me?
About 3-4 years ago I accepted myself as being something "non normal"... By that I mean the pure middle line traditional thought of human. Male, female, straight, gay, bisexual. Whatever. I considered my self, and I quote, "Neither gender, and both simultaneously." That is because, to me, gender is something in the mind. Genders in and of themselves don't mean shit. All they are are a list of character traits we decided to tack on to a phallus or breasts, as we deem fitting. Why is it strange I don't want to choose those specific characteristics for myself?
I've never really had any interest in sex though. I've had sex. (Obviously, derp, I have a baby..) That doesn't mean I was the one who wanted it or instigated it. I've been raped once, and tried sex a few different times (literally....) It never really did anything for me. All that grunting? What's the point?
I went through a phase of trying to see "what was wrong with me" and had sex with different people. (Literally one a year...) Jason's the first to really make me happy. (Not like that :P In general. Though like that too.. XD)
I was like this before I was raped. I was like this before my dad's drunken ranting about women when I was younger. I was like this for as long as I can remember, just like my social anxiety. Perhaps they're tied together. I don't know.
That's the thing. I don't know, but I'm okay with it. I'm finally, really okay with it. It's still weird to me, not because I feel weird but because everyone else I meet (well aside from a few people) are "normal". But life isn't about being normal. I am on this world for MAYBE 100 years. If I'm that lucky/unlucky (who wants to need diapers? :( That's sad.) I'm not going to waste my time anymore trying to "Fit in". I'm just going to fit ME, as ever-evolving as that is.
I'm sorry if for some reason you feel I've disappointed you. Perhaps you need to re-evaluate your relationship with me and why you think it's "wrong" or "strange". That's your battle.
Me? I've got a sleeping baby in the next room and a husband on the couch, and library in my mind waiting to come out. I am going to live my life and see what happens. And I'm glad for sex. It got me Aedric. I just have no real interest in it. :D <3
Some info: http://www.asexuality.org/home/overview.html
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Monday, May 7, 2012
Being a Mom Changed My Life
I know what you're thinking. Well, duh...
But I mean more than just wiping his butt and giving him baths, getting up in the middle of the night to feed him, and childbirth.
Before I had Aedric I had come quite a way psychologically, all on my own. I had faced a ton of demons in a non-typical way, and was fundamentally different than when I was in high school. Sure, it was mostly on the internet- I learned how to talk about my opinions, made wonderful friends and terrible friends, and learned how to cope with some lingering effects of my childhood.
But it wasn't until I puked for the first time in years (Well, aside from one stupid time in Texas when I hadn't eaten anything and drank a lot of alcohol.... Nie might remember. Man, I am one apologetic drunk..) that I realized something was amiss. I went the next day to Planned Parenthood, and they gave me a packet of information. When I found out I was 8 weeks and 5 days pregnant, I felt like I'd been hit by a train.
You see, I'm a very symbolic, psychological person, and in some stupid, naive little way, I actually believed that somehow I was too full of hate and rage to get pregnant.. Even though the rage had passed, thanks to a lovely little trippy half-hour period where my brain reset itself in 2008.
So, me? Pregnant???
On the walk home I was shell-shocked and trying to wrap my mind around the fact that somehow a part of me that died every month and a part of Jason that usually just died after leaving his body had actually formed into a growing entity. I had a handy little packet of papers about abortion clinics (None of which were in Lancaster, Pennsylvania..), some places that could help me, and adoption information. I went home, kinda feeling like the world was tilted in the wrong direction.
I talked to Jason and told him that I was pregnant... He wasn't surprised. He was the one who nagged me to go get tested. He looked a little freaked out, and was happy but nervous. Man, I had nausea for like 3 weeks. That sucked.
Anyway, a few months later we lost our place. We packed up our crap literally in less than an hour and a half, and left. Still annoys me a bit to this day that we weren't given any kind of warning.. Anyway, we walked all the way into town (about a mile or two) when I was 4 months pregnant. In 20 days we were going to be coming back to Portland. We had no idea what was where in downtown Lancaster, and eventually found a place entitled TLC, which I forgot what it meant but it was a homeless transitional housing place. They gave us the address for a homeless shelter and we made it there, and I still remember the line of elderly people waiting outside. They ranged from two women that had missing toes (diabetes) to a young woman who I believe had schizophrenia and some sort of air machine that helped her breathe throughout the night. They all had to carry whatever they owned with them every day.
They took my picture and asked us some questions, and didn't believe us that we were married even though we had identification and proof. I slept on a gymnastics mat on the floor under a giant JESUS cross on the stage. I wasn't allowed to sleep near Jason. Most of the women had mental health problems and were apparently untreated- one used to almost never shut up and whined all the time. Most were overweight, as well.
I wasn't able to get on food stamps, and they only fed us twice a day. I felt him kick either the first or second night, and my heart filled with joy, despite the conditions I was in. No, I didn't find Jesus. Did you check behind the sofa?
If we took any food we didn't eat from the mess hall, it was considered stealing and we weren't allowed to stay there. It was the only shelter in town. We were told we would only be allowed there for 5 days because "we were out of county". The next day a woman told us we were extremely lucky, we could stay, but ONLY because we were leaving in 20 days. If we missed the flight, too bad, not their problem.
Long story short, that sucked and I was concerned about only eating two meals a day, some friends from Facebook changed my life and sent us money (THANK YOU AGAIN!!). We were able to buy dollar items from mcdonalds for lunch at least semi-often.
Anyway, we made it back and became homeless again in September, moved in with a crazy guy for a few months who eventually scared us enough we moved to a homeless shelter. There we got to deal with all kinds of homeless family drama, stress, and for me back pain.
But, my point is, in spite of all that, I still was happy. I didn't really mind that I was overdue. My back hurt, but mostly I was so happy, and filled with love for that life within me that I didn't care. Seeing Aedric's face was the most amazing thing in my life. I look at him, and can't help but smile. Not because he does weird stuff, but just because he is so pure, and so happy.
It was a truly transcending experience, and he has honestly changed my mind for the better. I am so much more of an optimist now than I ever was. Just ask Kendra! Or Jason. <3
But I mean more than just wiping his butt and giving him baths, getting up in the middle of the night to feed him, and childbirth.
Before I had Aedric I had come quite a way psychologically, all on my own. I had faced a ton of demons in a non-typical way, and was fundamentally different than when I was in high school. Sure, it was mostly on the internet- I learned how to talk about my opinions, made wonderful friends and terrible friends, and learned how to cope with some lingering effects of my childhood.
But it wasn't until I puked for the first time in years (Well, aside from one stupid time in Texas when I hadn't eaten anything and drank a lot of alcohol.... Nie might remember. Man, I am one apologetic drunk..) that I realized something was amiss. I went the next day to Planned Parenthood, and they gave me a packet of information. When I found out I was 8 weeks and 5 days pregnant, I felt like I'd been hit by a train.
You see, I'm a very symbolic, psychological person, and in some stupid, naive little way, I actually believed that somehow I was too full of hate and rage to get pregnant.. Even though the rage had passed, thanks to a lovely little trippy half-hour period where my brain reset itself in 2008.
So, me? Pregnant???
On the walk home I was shell-shocked and trying to wrap my mind around the fact that somehow a part of me that died every month and a part of Jason that usually just died after leaving his body had actually formed into a growing entity. I had a handy little packet of papers about abortion clinics (None of which were in Lancaster, Pennsylvania..), some places that could help me, and adoption information. I went home, kinda feeling like the world was tilted in the wrong direction.
I talked to Jason and told him that I was pregnant... He wasn't surprised. He was the one who nagged me to go get tested. He looked a little freaked out, and was happy but nervous. Man, I had nausea for like 3 weeks. That sucked.
Anyway, a few months later we lost our place. We packed up our crap literally in less than an hour and a half, and left. Still annoys me a bit to this day that we weren't given any kind of warning.. Anyway, we walked all the way into town (about a mile or two) when I was 4 months pregnant. In 20 days we were going to be coming back to Portland. We had no idea what was where in downtown Lancaster, and eventually found a place entitled TLC, which I forgot what it meant but it was a homeless transitional housing place. They gave us the address for a homeless shelter and we made it there, and I still remember the line of elderly people waiting outside. They ranged from two women that had missing toes (diabetes) to a young woman who I believe had schizophrenia and some sort of air machine that helped her breathe throughout the night. They all had to carry whatever they owned with them every day.
They took my picture and asked us some questions, and didn't believe us that we were married even though we had identification and proof. I slept on a gymnastics mat on the floor under a giant JESUS cross on the stage. I wasn't allowed to sleep near Jason. Most of the women had mental health problems and were apparently untreated- one used to almost never shut up and whined all the time. Most were overweight, as well.
I wasn't able to get on food stamps, and they only fed us twice a day. I felt him kick either the first or second night, and my heart filled with joy, despite the conditions I was in. No, I didn't find Jesus. Did you check behind the sofa?
If we took any food we didn't eat from the mess hall, it was considered stealing and we weren't allowed to stay there. It was the only shelter in town. We were told we would only be allowed there for 5 days because "we were out of county". The next day a woman told us we were extremely lucky, we could stay, but ONLY because we were leaving in 20 days. If we missed the flight, too bad, not their problem.
Long story short, that sucked and I was concerned about only eating two meals a day, some friends from Facebook changed my life and sent us money (THANK YOU AGAIN!!). We were able to buy dollar items from mcdonalds for lunch at least semi-often.
Anyway, we made it back and became homeless again in September, moved in with a crazy guy for a few months who eventually scared us enough we moved to a homeless shelter. There we got to deal with all kinds of homeless family drama, stress, and for me back pain.
But, my point is, in spite of all that, I still was happy. I didn't really mind that I was overdue. My back hurt, but mostly I was so happy, and filled with love for that life within me that I didn't care. Seeing Aedric's face was the most amazing thing in my life. I look at him, and can't help but smile. Not because he does weird stuff, but just because he is so pure, and so happy.
It was a truly transcending experience, and he has honestly changed my mind for the better. I am so much more of an optimist now than I ever was. Just ask Kendra! Or Jason. <3
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Solitary Needs and Relationships
My husband just got back two hours ago. However, I immediately shelled up rather than doing the "normal" thing and holding the husband who's been gone for a month. I'm a very solitary creature. When I want to be left alone I WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE. That's made worse by the fact that I don't have a private space. I've always wanted one, and grew up MOSTLY with one. My dad only came into my room to bitch at me, that was really it. It was MY space, even if it was only so due to a curtain draped across the whole room giving an illusion of privacy.
Now, I find myself struggling. I love my husband very much but we're two very different people. I'm actually wondering now if I have some form of Aspergers Syndrome or something like it, something that makes it very difficult for me to feel two sets of feelings at once, myselfs and the other person. It feels like a war between his feelings and mine, and like he's trying to push them onto me, because he feels that it's abnormal. I don't think he really is doing this, though I'm not sure, but it feels claustrophobic nonetheless. I'm a very solitary person, as I've said. He's very social, he thinks out loud, talks to himself, fidgets, moves, etc. I don't move very much, and I multitask. Excessively. It's kind of a problem because I'll say I am going to write, but the program won't respond right away, if at all, so I go play a facebook game while I think. I'm still thinking, I'm shutting off the "Front" part of my brain, and thinking of the back. But it appears to other people as if I am not doing anything, I'm doing something worthless and useless and pointless, but I'm not.
So perhaps I should have named this "Inability to communicate effectively". I feel as though I'm constantly at war with him because he doesn't understand why I am the way I am, or why I don't seem to like him or love him. It's not that I don't love him. It's that I have some issues that I'm still working on, and I need to be mostly left alone a lot of the time because I am in my own head so much. I kind of need to be, I'm dealing with a lot in my life right now and also am still dealing with some issues of my own. My mind moves lightning quick, but I have one major flaw- I get interrupted very easily.
I love him... I really wish I could just cuddle and be affectionate all the time but I feel like there's this barrier all the time between me and him, because I feel like I CAN'T. I have stuff to do. I have a book I've been putting off for years that really matters to me and is eating away at me inside every moment I'm not speaking of it. I have various projects I am working on with friends and without that may turn into something amazing. I became a very powerfully independent person because I needed to be, and I don't know how to turn it back without destroying myself in the process. I'm going to look into therapy. But mostly, I'm going to write when I can.
I wonder how normal this is in relationships... :/ I feel so odd and alone..
Now, I find myself struggling. I love my husband very much but we're two very different people. I'm actually wondering now if I have some form of Aspergers Syndrome or something like it, something that makes it very difficult for me to feel two sets of feelings at once, myselfs and the other person. It feels like a war between his feelings and mine, and like he's trying to push them onto me, because he feels that it's abnormal. I don't think he really is doing this, though I'm not sure, but it feels claustrophobic nonetheless. I'm a very solitary person, as I've said. He's very social, he thinks out loud, talks to himself, fidgets, moves, etc. I don't move very much, and I multitask. Excessively. It's kind of a problem because I'll say I am going to write, but the program won't respond right away, if at all, so I go play a facebook game while I think. I'm still thinking, I'm shutting off the "Front" part of my brain, and thinking of the back. But it appears to other people as if I am not doing anything, I'm doing something worthless and useless and pointless, but I'm not.
So perhaps I should have named this "Inability to communicate effectively". I feel as though I'm constantly at war with him because he doesn't understand why I am the way I am, or why I don't seem to like him or love him. It's not that I don't love him. It's that I have some issues that I'm still working on, and I need to be mostly left alone a lot of the time because I am in my own head so much. I kind of need to be, I'm dealing with a lot in my life right now and also am still dealing with some issues of my own. My mind moves lightning quick, but I have one major flaw- I get interrupted very easily.
I love him... I really wish I could just cuddle and be affectionate all the time but I feel like there's this barrier all the time between me and him, because I feel like I CAN'T. I have stuff to do. I have a book I've been putting off for years that really matters to me and is eating away at me inside every moment I'm not speaking of it. I have various projects I am working on with friends and without that may turn into something amazing. I became a very powerfully independent person because I needed to be, and I don't know how to turn it back without destroying myself in the process. I'm going to look into therapy. But mostly, I'm going to write when I can.
I wonder how normal this is in relationships... :/ I feel so odd and alone..
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
The Intro to Kat
Posting the first in a series of blogs is much like posting an about me on a social networking site. It's like trying to squash yourself into a box that others will understand. I don't particularly like that idea, though it has its uses assuredly. People love placing others in neat little boxes because it's simpler than getting to understand every facet of them.. Me, I'm more of a global mind. I like to think, and think, and contemplate, and observe. Currently I'm debating how much of myself I should reveal right now.
First thing I will tell you, I will be doing my best to post a blog daily. I may miss a day, simply because I'm homeless and trying to rectify the situation.
I'm not the most social of creatures. Hardly surprising, considering I am posting blogs rather than doing video blogs or being a comedienne.(Ah hah! It's a female!)
A little glimmer of what's in my mind- I'm sitting here in the library beneath all the layers of criss-crossing stares and in a single glance I see at least 4 people walking up or down a different part of the intricate staircase.
In those four people are four totally different lives with multiple layers of thoughts, beliefs, friends, political views, emotional entanglements, troubles and happinesses.
All humans on the planet share 99.999999%(etc) IDENTICAL genetic stuffs. That means that although they all look very different, have different mental and emotional and physical issues, though they are of different ages and have different jobs etc, and think in totally different patterns, they're all practically the same thing. They may despise each other beyond belief, or love each other as deeply as people possibly can.
All sorts of things fascinate me. I'm often caught between deep feelings of disgust toward people, and amazement. The intricate nature of mankind amazes me, yet what people do, say, how they act often disgusts me. I feel alone in a crowd, and claustrophobic all at once. I love people for their potential, and loathe them for their flaws- And note, by that I don't mean their mistakes. Mistakes are mistakes. When you choose to be an asshole to someone for no reason, with no psychological reason in your past to back it up.. It's not right. Arrogance annoys me, though I can be arrogant. I also accept that in the grand scheme of this planet and the universe I am nothing, though.
To me, love is something you can't really explain as simply platonic or familial or romantic. Love is much more than all of that. It's all of it combined. Love is knowing someone for all their strengths and faults, their problems and the reasons why and liking them anyway. It's liking them FOR their faults, for their issues, for their very being itself. It's a hard thing to do, and exhausting when you're hurt by them. But I think it's worth it.
And yes, I am random. But I think this sums me up more than I expected ^_~ 'Til next time..
-Kat-
First thing I will tell you, I will be doing my best to post a blog daily. I may miss a day, simply because I'm homeless and trying to rectify the situation.
I'm not the most social of creatures. Hardly surprising, considering I am posting blogs rather than doing video blogs or being a comedienne.(Ah hah! It's a female!)
A little glimmer of what's in my mind- I'm sitting here in the library beneath all the layers of criss-crossing stares and in a single glance I see at least 4 people walking up or down a different part of the intricate staircase.
In those four people are four totally different lives with multiple layers of thoughts, beliefs, friends, political views, emotional entanglements, troubles and happinesses.
All humans on the planet share 99.999999%(etc) IDENTICAL genetic stuffs. That means that although they all look very different, have different mental and emotional and physical issues, though they are of different ages and have different jobs etc, and think in totally different patterns, they're all practically the same thing. They may despise each other beyond belief, or love each other as deeply as people possibly can.
All sorts of things fascinate me. I'm often caught between deep feelings of disgust toward people, and amazement. The intricate nature of mankind amazes me, yet what people do, say, how they act often disgusts me. I feel alone in a crowd, and claustrophobic all at once. I love people for their potential, and loathe them for their flaws- And note, by that I don't mean their mistakes. Mistakes are mistakes. When you choose to be an asshole to someone for no reason, with no psychological reason in your past to back it up.. It's not right. Arrogance annoys me, though I can be arrogant. I also accept that in the grand scheme of this planet and the universe I am nothing, though.
To me, love is something you can't really explain as simply platonic or familial or romantic. Love is much more than all of that. It's all of it combined. Love is knowing someone for all their strengths and faults, their problems and the reasons why and liking them anyway. It's liking them FOR their faults, for their issues, for their very being itself. It's a hard thing to do, and exhausting when you're hurt by them. But I think it's worth it.
And yes, I am random. But I think this sums me up more than I expected ^_~ 'Til next time..
-Kat-
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