I don't really know if that's what I have. I'm not a huge fan of labels, I looked it up years ago but my memories are shit. This is going to take a lot of courage for me to post about, but I'm okay with that. I'm ok with people thinking I'm weird, or judging me because I'm not "like them".
I've never had any sexual interests in anyone. I just... don't. I have never looked at someone and said "Damn, I'd love to have sex with them." I can see either gender as beautiful aesthetically and from an appreciation for life and the human form, but not for actual interest like that.
It doesn't mean I don't love my husband. He means the world to me and more. And it is nothing against him, he's beautiful to me. It's not anything with him, or anything that's happened to me. I just have never had an interest in sex. I have been aroused before, but frankly it lasts less than 30 seconds. I masturbate, but it's more clinical and for the release of endorphins to help me sleep.
Aedric was born in love. He wasn't planned, it was a honeymoon type thing.
And I'm not exaggerating. I am not saying this to garner attention, in fact I am pushing myself to finally bare a part of me I've not commented on. In a world this relentlessly, powerfully sexual, I feel a little out of place and uncomfortable. Some seductive/sensual images interest me, but it's because of the power of the person, the power they hold, not any kind of arousal or interest in what might happen when their clothes come off.
Whether I am this thing or not, it does not matter to me. In my opinion, it should not matter to you, either, I am just finally attempting to describe myself and how I feel.
I haven't changed. I'm just explaining some behaviors that may or may not have made sense.
I am drawn to personalities, like beautiful glowing gems in a beach of mud. I love my friends deeply, and purely, with all of me. My possible asexualism (As, again, I don't know if that's a label I want to drape upon myself) doesn't affect my ability to love and care for people.
Perhaps it'll explain to you why I get so frustrated with the sexualization of our culture. I'm a feminist, not a feminazi. The only reason I've been termed one is that it is supposedly not "ladylike"to be aggressive in your beliefs. But since when has gender mattered to me?
About 3-4 years ago I accepted myself as being something "non normal"... By that I mean the pure middle line traditional thought of human. Male, female, straight, gay, bisexual. Whatever. I considered my self, and I quote, "Neither gender, and both simultaneously." That is because, to me, gender is something in the mind. Genders in and of themselves don't mean shit. All they are are a list of character traits we decided to tack on to a phallus or breasts, as we deem fitting. Why is it strange I don't want to choose those specific characteristics for myself?
I've never really had any interest in sex though. I've had sex. (Obviously, derp, I have a baby..) That doesn't mean I was the one who wanted it or instigated it. I've been raped once, and tried sex a few different times (literally....) It never really did anything for me. All that grunting? What's the point?
I went through a phase of trying to see "what was wrong with me" and had sex with different people. (Literally one a year...) Jason's the first to really make me happy. (Not like that :P In general. Though like that too.. XD)
I was like this before I was raped. I was like this before my dad's drunken ranting about women when I was younger. I was like this for as long as I can remember, just like my social anxiety. Perhaps they're tied together. I don't know.
That's the thing. I don't know, but I'm okay with it. I'm finally, really okay with it. It's still weird to me, not because I feel weird but because everyone else I meet (well aside from a few people) are "normal". But life isn't about being normal. I am on this world for MAYBE 100 years. If I'm that lucky/unlucky (who wants to need diapers? :( That's sad.) I'm not going to waste my time anymore trying to "Fit in". I'm just going to fit ME, as ever-evolving as that is.
I'm sorry if for some reason you feel I've disappointed you. Perhaps you need to re-evaluate your relationship with me and why you think it's "wrong" or "strange". That's your battle.
Me? I've got a sleeping baby in the next room and a husband on the couch, and library in my mind waiting to come out. I am going to live my life and see what happens. And I'm glad for sex. It got me Aedric. I just have no real interest in it. :D <3
Some info: http://www.asexuality.org/home/overview.html
Showing posts with label bisexual. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bisexual. Show all posts
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Friday, August 27, 2010
The Gender Binary System
Ah, the gender binary system. This one may get some nasty responses, but I don't care. Scientifically we are all comprised of both "female" and "male" dna. We're all genetic hybrids all the way down from the first children, assuming that there ever was "pure male" and "pure female" DNA. You're a splice of your mother and father, who are a splice of their mother and father, etc. When you're born, your body is a bizarre thing that for some reason grows to maturity into a recognizable shape to everyone else. Somehow your cells know how to build themselves.. That doesn't mean that it matches how you feel, or how you think, etc.
We are not inherantly male or female. The mind is a magnificent, complex thing. So are human emotions. You can't expect someone who was born into a physically female or physically male body to automatically feel what society thinks you should feel like- what society believes male and female to mean. There are not just two genders, a plus and a minus. There are many ways of viewing it, and putting names on it only shrinks the importance of how other people feel.
It can happen many ways, it's not necessarily a chemical thing in the brain, though it could be. It could be anything from the internal war of nature vs nurture, of their personality vs their past, of them fighting something that happened or was said to them so many times that it just caused a reaction, or it could simply be who they are.
Take me for example. I don't know when I started to feel as I do now, but I know that when I was 12 to 18 I lived with my father, who I love very much to this day, who was a sexist prick when he was drunk. The amount of filth I heard about women was astronomical, and mixed with what I was learning about in school and finding out from books, it caused a reverse reaction in me. For years when I masturbated (Yes, I admit I masturbate. It happens :P) I envisioned myself only in the male side because for so many years my father had unwittingly trained me to believe men are stronger and better than women. It led to an internal war that has lasted even to this day, over 7 years from when I first remember feeling the war, and still wages on inside my mind. I don't know what is winning, but I do hope it's me.
My mind has felt like a battlefield since I was 14 years old. My father's unwitting "training" vs my belief that men are the scum of the earth ((Which was a response to attempt to balance it out)) shifted to a disgust for all things sexual that lasted for a few years. Now, I don't even know. I still have times when just hearing certain things about sex, I can't even tell you what, but primarily people telling me too much information about their personal lives is like someone lighting my hair on fire. I suddenly get filled with an extreme amount of rage and have to walk away.
On the other hand, I have a relationship now, and while we haven't had sex, I think he is the only person I will ever enjoy having it with.
But to get back to the gender binary system that this blog was originally about... I don't feel feminine all the time. I have my moments where I like skirts and dresses and dressing female, and my times where I'd rather not have breasts and a vagina and would rather wear a suit, cut my hair even shorter, and dress like a "man".
I tend to sit sprawled out as most males do, because it is more comfortable to me. I'm more blunt than most people I meet, and I don't mind it. I find both males and females attractive, but have never met a female I'd consider worth dating. Who we like and what we like and how wel ike to dress and what we like to do has nothing to do with our plumbing- That could have been miswired when the cells were expanding from the egg and the sperm. Having a vagina doesn't make you all female any more than having a penis makes you a man. The person within this shell of a body is what matters, not the shell itself.
YOU matter. Not your weird bits and pieces.
We are not inherantly male or female. The mind is a magnificent, complex thing. So are human emotions. You can't expect someone who was born into a physically female or physically male body to automatically feel what society thinks you should feel like- what society believes male and female to mean. There are not just two genders, a plus and a minus. There are many ways of viewing it, and putting names on it only shrinks the importance of how other people feel.
It can happen many ways, it's not necessarily a chemical thing in the brain, though it could be. It could be anything from the internal war of nature vs nurture, of their personality vs their past, of them fighting something that happened or was said to them so many times that it just caused a reaction, or it could simply be who they are.
Take me for example. I don't know when I started to feel as I do now, but I know that when I was 12 to 18 I lived with my father, who I love very much to this day, who was a sexist prick when he was drunk. The amount of filth I heard about women was astronomical, and mixed with what I was learning about in school and finding out from books, it caused a reverse reaction in me. For years when I masturbated (Yes, I admit I masturbate. It happens :P) I envisioned myself only in the male side because for so many years my father had unwittingly trained me to believe men are stronger and better than women. It led to an internal war that has lasted even to this day, over 7 years from when I first remember feeling the war, and still wages on inside my mind. I don't know what is winning, but I do hope it's me.
My mind has felt like a battlefield since I was 14 years old. My father's unwitting "training" vs my belief that men are the scum of the earth ((Which was a response to attempt to balance it out)) shifted to a disgust for all things sexual that lasted for a few years. Now, I don't even know. I still have times when just hearing certain things about sex, I can't even tell you what, but primarily people telling me too much information about their personal lives is like someone lighting my hair on fire. I suddenly get filled with an extreme amount of rage and have to walk away.
On the other hand, I have a relationship now, and while we haven't had sex, I think he is the only person I will ever enjoy having it with.
But to get back to the gender binary system that this blog was originally about... I don't feel feminine all the time. I have my moments where I like skirts and dresses and dressing female, and my times where I'd rather not have breasts and a vagina and would rather wear a suit, cut my hair even shorter, and dress like a "man".
I tend to sit sprawled out as most males do, because it is more comfortable to me. I'm more blunt than most people I meet, and I don't mind it. I find both males and females attractive, but have never met a female I'd consider worth dating. Who we like and what we like and how wel ike to dress and what we like to do has nothing to do with our plumbing- That could have been miswired when the cells were expanding from the egg and the sperm. Having a vagina doesn't make you all female any more than having a penis makes you a man. The person within this shell of a body is what matters, not the shell itself.
YOU matter. Not your weird bits and pieces.
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