Judgment of Girls

This has been on my mind lately, because of all the hate being spewed everywhere by the GOP.  You don't have to agree with my point of view, that is your perogative.  But I want to share something, and get this off my chest.

We act like we are such a civilized country.  We really do. We act like we are so far advanced, and we try to ignore things that happened only a hundred years ago, five hundred.  It's easier that way, right?  Just pretend it didn't happen.  La ti da, live your life, ignore it.  The thing is, we as a species have not changed that much. We haven't.  There are still people on this planet who crap in the bushes because there are no toilets.  There are people who die because there is no clean water.  There are children being married off to each other or to adults.  There is still sexual slavery, and other slavery throughout the world.

These things are still fucking happening.  You know what else is, that's sickening to me?  Shows like "16 and pregnant" and the weird toddler shows where people primp their kids up and practically pimp them out.  What sickens me more about that is the judgment that comes along with it.  Here's the thing, though..  and this is reality, whether or not you choose to admit it. Every single one of us, every single human on this planet has done something terrible, stupid, made a mistake.  Some people in our country don't necessarily realize it, or they live off it.  And that's sad.  But what is more sad to me is people judging others without recognizing the fact that we are all people on this planet.

Mind you, I don't watch TV.  It sickens me, honestly..  It utterly disgusts me.  The fact that people would rather sit in front of a TV chowing down on cheetos and whatever else while watching Jersey Shore, and allow their mind to rot because they just don't care.. It makes me sad. So to be honest, I haven't seen these shows. But I can tell you one thing, our society is rotting a bit too, in some ways.  Oh, yeah.  Women have the right to vote. Interracial marriages are no big deal anymore.  But wasn't it like half a century ago people were getting HANGED for it?

Now, people are still getting hanged. Judged, condemned.  All those girls on 16 and pregnant, and whatever else...  What really gets me though with this is that one of my closest, oldest friends had a baby when she was 13.  We lived in a small-ish area.. Her town was tinier than mine.  She made a mistake, and had a baby. You might say she could have had an abortion, I'm sure several of you think she should have.  But she doesn't believe in them and that is her prerogative.  So, she knew she wouldn't be able to do anything for him, so she gave him up for adoption.  And I was there.

I saw how it ate her alive.  I couldn't do much, I just held her.  And I mourned with her because it irrecovably changed her body, it created many other problems for her due to depression and other stuff, and she got judged for it.  She did what she could for that baby, and that wasn't enough for people. She made a mistake, and they wouldn't let it go.  She's a beautiful person, a wonderful, beautiful soul and it still hurts her to this day.  And this isn't a story that just happened to her, it's happened to many other people.

We live in a society that likes to expect perfection, and condemn reality. Everybody fucks up. Everybody under the fucking Sun. THAT is reality.  Reality is making mistakes.  Reality is the fact that some people learn from them after it happens once, some people it takes more time.  Reality is the fact that people do not have to live by your standards, or anyone else, because this is life.  This is humanity.

We live in a society where girls are held to higher standards than boys in terms of expected perfection.  The makeup, the hair, the obsession with beauty.  The expectations of making no mistakes.  We see it on every level of society, from the poor to the rich.. The only difference is that with the rich more people find out about it, and they're often at least legally forgiven for the bigger "mistakes" if they throw money at the problem.

But until such a time when we can accept the fact that people fuck up, we will not move forward as a species.  That is a simple fact.  We stand a few steps higher than those who don't have access to baths or showers, and we judge them in our own country for it.  In our own fucking country.  If people don't have access to it in other countries, we tend to ignore the problem, or kind of distantly think "that's sad".  But in our own country, it's a different matter.  It's distasteful.  People want to avoid it more.  And it sickens me, it really fucking sickens me that we expect people to live to such high standards, when every single one of us has made some stupid, tragic mistake.

Gah.

Asexuality

I don't really know if that's what I have. I'm not a huge fan of labels, I looked it up years ago but my memories are shit. This is going to take a lot of courage for me to post about, but I'm okay with that.  I'm ok with people thinking I'm weird, or judging me because I'm not "like them".

I've never had any sexual interests in anyone.  I just... don't. I have never looked at someone and said "Damn, I'd love to have sex with them." I can see either gender as beautiful aesthetically and from an appreciation for life and the human form, but not for actual interest like that.

It doesn't mean I don't love my husband. He means the world to me and more. And it is nothing against him, he's beautiful to me.  It's not anything with him, or anything that's happened to me. I just have never had an interest in sex. I have been aroused before, but frankly it lasts less than 30 seconds.  I masturbate, but it's more clinical and for the release of endorphins to help me sleep.

Aedric was born in love.  He wasn't planned, it was a honeymoon type thing.

And I'm not exaggerating. I am not saying this to garner attention, in fact I am pushing myself to finally bare a part of me I've not commented on. In a world this relentlessly, powerfully sexual, I feel a little out of place and uncomfortable. Some seductive/sensual images interest me, but it's because of the power of the person, the power they hold, not any kind of arousal or interest in what might happen when their clothes come off.

Whether I am this thing or not, it does not matter to me. In my opinion, it should not matter to you, either, I am just finally attempting to describe myself and how I feel.

I haven't changed. I'm just explaining some behaviors that may or may not have made sense.

I am drawn to personalities, like beautiful glowing gems in a beach of mud. I love my friends deeply, and purely, with all of me. My possible asexualism (As, again, I don't know if that's a label I want to drape upon myself) doesn't affect my ability to love and care for people.

Perhaps it'll explain to you why I get so frustrated with the sexualization of our culture. I'm a feminist, not a feminazi. The only reason I've been termed one is that it is supposedly not "ladylike"to be aggressive in your beliefs.  But since when has gender mattered to me?

About 3-4 years ago I accepted myself as being something "non normal"... By that I mean the pure middle line traditional thought of human. Male, female, straight, gay, bisexual. Whatever.  I considered my self, and I quote, "Neither gender, and both simultaneously." That is because, to me, gender is something in the mind. Genders in and of themselves don't mean shit.  All they are are a list of character traits we decided to tack on to a phallus or breasts, as we deem fitting.  Why is it strange I don't want to choose those specific characteristics for myself?

I've never really had any interest in sex though. I've had sex. (Obviously, derp, I have a baby..) That doesn't mean I was the one who wanted it or instigated it. I've been raped once, and tried sex a few different times (literally....) It never really did anything for me. All that grunting? What's the point? 

I went through a phase of trying to see "what was wrong with me" and had sex with different people.  (Literally one a year...) Jason's the first to really make me happy. (Not like that :P In general. Though like that too.. XD)

I was like this before I was raped. I was like this before my dad's drunken ranting about women when I was younger. I was like this for as long as I can remember, just like my social anxiety. Perhaps they're tied together. I don't know.


That's the thing. I don't know, but I'm okay with it. I'm finally, really okay with it. It's still weird to me, not because I feel weird but because everyone else I meet (well aside from a few people) are "normal".  But life isn't about being normal. I am on this world for MAYBE 100 years. If I'm that lucky/unlucky (who wants to need diapers? :( That's sad.)  I'm not going to waste my time anymore trying to "Fit in".  I'm just going to fit ME, as ever-evolving as that is.

I'm sorry if for some reason you feel I've disappointed you. Perhaps you need to re-evaluate your relationship with me and why you think it's "wrong" or "strange".  That's your battle.

Me? I've got a sleeping baby in the next room and a husband on the couch, and library in my mind waiting to come out.  I am going to live my life and see what happens. And I'm glad for sex. It got me Aedric.  I just have no real interest in it. :D <3

Some info: http://www.asexuality.org/home/overview.html

Being a "Bitch"

You know... (Mind you, I am writing this with a big happy smile on my face) I actually really like it when I get called a bitch.  No, really.. I do. It's a high compliment for me. I am trying to keep my own personal life off this blog, as I have a facebook for that, but..  this is something that really strikes a chord in me. A very loud, resounding chord that shakes the very air around me, in a good way. I can almost feel it vibrating on my skin. When I get called a bitch, I feel almost a wave of psychological power wash over me, in a manner of speaking.

Calling someone a bitch is not as degrading as it once was. In some contexts it is, such as with pimps etc (And I mean the literal kind, not the idiotic ghetto people who use the term to show how "cool" and "hardcore" they are..)  In fact, in most cases although it is meant as an insult, if you really think of the actions/attitudes said woman took to achieve the social status of being known as a bitch, you'll notice it really just means she doesn't take any guff from anyone. 

Guff. I like that word. :)

People can suck. I think everyone reading this blog has met that jackass that they really want to trip down a flight of stairs just to see them fall.  Let's be honest with each other here, this is the internet, we are allowed. For that matter, I will talk directly to you, whoever you are who happens to be reading this.  Humans have a tendency to immediately judge someone within moments. Sure, not everyone does this as intensely as others, but it is human nature to observe and pass judgement. It isn't even a bad thing. Not really.

I'm sure there's someone at your work who is so utterly dramatic you just can't stand them. I'm sure there's someone who shoves their nose in everyone else's business and will not let anyone around them live in peace without informing them, with all the glitz and glamour they can stuff into the words, all about someone else's life, or a situation they heard of. These people exist. I'm not sure why, personally, but they do. I don't quite understand the reasoning behind it, or why people actually like to involve themselves in other people's lives to such an extent after having passed the tender age of 13, but to each their own.

Now...  When it comes right down to it, being a bitch is not putting up with people's crap. Generally, you're a bitch when you stand up for yourself, for what you believe in, and cut off the drama and lies. You're more aggressive than passive in your want to be left alone, and you tend to be very blunt with what you think about different things. You don't let society cow you. That is not something that you should ever be ashamed of. The word "Bitch"as an insult tends to be from other females who are affronted by said Bitch, or from men who have been similarly insulted/put in their place.  People have quite a few tendencies. Another is getting arrogant. I will also fully admit I can be an arrogant asshole. Everyone can.  However, when people have been showing signs of arrogance for a long time and have not been properly set in their place, when they finally are they do not take it very well.

I guess what I'm really saying here is, I'm not ashamed of not being passive about some things. I'll be quiet about stuff. I'll keep my mouth shut and keep to myself until you try to involve me in your drama and your, well, crap, but I am not ashamed that I will get outspoken and stand up for myself, my opinions, and try to show honesty.. Even if it means pointing out when someone is lying or exaggerating.

Where did this entire thought come from?  I re-met someone I haven't seen in over 6 months who I never really talked to before, and she said that I'm apparently "less of a bitch"now.  I think in all honesty all it really took was getting to know me. Try to get to know that bitch who seems like this. Some bitches are just more vicious versions of the drama queen, but the quiet ones often aren't. I can't tell you how many bitches I'm proud to be friends with.

Gender Roles, Rules, and Gender Identity

There's a lot of things that have bothered me most of my life. Because of it I've kept quiet until recently... One of the major things that has always bothered me is this nice tangled, explosive bundle of chaotic crap. When you are growing up*, people are essentially brainwashed and trained to believe certain things. Most of the time because of all the mixed signals, it fails horribly. I started realizing this when I was about 13 years old.  Gender rules of behavior are a major catch 22. It's quite ridiculous, and downright medieval.  For the record, this subject bothers me to a fundamental level, but I *WILL* be doing my best to curb my cursing, though on this subject it pains me.

I'll begin with women, which is where I started to realize how grossly unfair it all is. I remember distinctly in freshman year of high school hearing almost everyone in the locker room bitching about how unfair it is that women are called whores if they have sex with more than one person, but men are commended for it. (Note, they said girls and guys.. same general rules apply.)  But even then I also noticed the other, darkly twisted side of the entire thing. I'm honestly not even sure I can post this without twisting it to untwist it to explain it because it's that jumbled.

Wow I honestly have no idea where to start.. Okay. Basically, women and men have been lumped into very peculiar, rigid, twisted and confused archetypes of the masculine and feminine. Women are, as my father said, supposed to be a lady on the street and a whore in bed. That's kinda true.. And kinda not.  Females and males are expected to be such an extremely varied array of traits and are supposed to do so many actions to conform to it that all that happens is people get more upset and confused as time goes on. This is things I have observed in large quantities, and I'm not saying that everyone believes it, but growing up we are given so many mixed signals that they grow into contorted forests, festering within.

Women are expected to be sexually deviant to please men, and yet if they are they're considered whores. I've heard women called bitches, whores, by people being dead serious that all women are sluts, that they're weaker than men, that they belong in the kitchen... Essentially, think of every stereotype you've heard of women. None of them are true completely because people aren't like that. I don't claim to know why it all got so twisted, but looking around it all disturbs me. I'm also not saying that everyone believes it, or that it's true.. But as kids we were given fairly restrictive gender roles, which often contradicted each other and themselves. People aren't just positive or negative, masculine or feminine, because the traits themselves are not gender specific.

It's almost like a lot of people are acting like they THINK people want them to act, which continues the cycle. Unfortunately, I have no clue how to help. All of my life that I can remember I have felt detached, an observer in the game of life. I see what's wrong, but for some reason I'm just too detached to be able to find the piece to FIX the problems that I can see. It's like.. I can see what it SHOULD be, but I have no idea how to rearrange the pieces of the twisted puzzle.

People's actions and personalities can't be confined to female or male because female and male are archetypes created by the physical body parts of each. Sure, it makes sense in SOME WAYS.. but not all. Logically I can understand it to a small degree but it just grew twisted and contorted and... it really bugs me. I don't like feeling like anything I do is going to conform to someone's twisted archetype of how they think I do or should act. Nothing is that simple... The beauty of life is the systems in it. So why are the ones that matter the most twisted by people? I don't understand how it happened... I really don't. How did we come to this confusing point in society? How? How did this happen to us? How can we fix it?

Social Anxiety

This is something I've noticed of quite a few people that I've met, both out here and just in general.  I'm not alone in it.  I've met many people who are uncomfortable in crowds, and I don't think it's nearly as rare or strange as we think.  Everything we are, all our traits, problems, etc, we are never alone in them no matter how much we may feel it. There are 6.6 billion people on this planet, give or take, and while it may be a depressing viewpoint to most, I find it strangely inspiring to realize that I'm not alone, and that I'm NOT really all that special, because all of us are. People like to believe they're special and unique, and in some ways it's true. But BECAUSE of the simple fact that everyone is a unique blend of various traits in varying degrees, NO ONE is truly special.

And to me, in a way I can't fully articulate, that makes me feel better when I'm depressed.  This is one of the (I really hope) few times I'll allow myself to go on a tangent, and the reason I am is because this really matters to me down to a core level.  Whenever people get that attitude of "I matter more than you do because of ________", I really have to hide my thoughts. My immediate response is essentially along the lines of "You are one in 6.6 billion CURRENT humans on this very small planet in this extremely vast universe, which is unlikely to be alone in existence since it is EXPANDING. (I know, I use caps lock to emphasize. I'm lazy, sue me <3).  The very idea that we are utterly alone, the only intelligent life to ever exist in this universe, is so absurd, it's not even insulting. It's basically humorous. Yes, the person wasn't precisely saying that, but if you think of the universe in terms of sheer vastness, it's highly likely that there are more amazing, beautiful, intelligent races out there than ourselves.

All of us matter, in a way, simply because each of us holds others in check and keeps the very shaky balance of our continued existence in line. To me, every life is beautiful and precious. However, when someone doesn't use that potential, and has no craving to better themselves or even act as they are capable of acting in a beneficial manner and instead chooses to be a dramatic whiny twat, it annoys me greatly.

Thus somewhat neatly bringing me back to the subject of this blog. Now that you know the terms on which I prefer to think (Universally rather than in small pieces), you may understand my version of social anxiety.

Currently, as I believe I said once before, I am living in a shelter. The blogs I type are generally typed up on Jason's laptop, or at the library, but generally Jason's laptop. I am trying to find work, I have nearly completed JRT, and will be looking for work this week.  AKA that's me not wanting you to go oh, great, another useless member of society or something and click x. ANYWAY..

Dealing with the homeless youth of downtown Portland is extremely aggravating for me. It's akin to dealing with people in 6th to 8th grade in many ways. And in some ways, worse.  Some aren't so bad, but some can be. Going to the day programs to eat, because my food stamps ran out, I have to wait in line cafeteria style feeling trapped against a wall by the other 50+ people squished into one room. Most of what they talk about has to do with music, how awesome they are, how they're going to beat someone's ass, or other stuff along those lines. I yearn for intellectual conversation, and thus this blog came forth.

The reason I've been very worried and leery about getting a customer service job is that I don't deal well with stupid people. And I don't mean stupid in the way that they are incapable of learning, I mean the ones who don't try and do not want to.  Walking into a crowded room is like walking into an explosive minefield that suddenly bursts into flames as soon as you step close. It feels hot and uncomfortable, and I begin to feel trapped. Most people who have social anxiety get in some way scared.  They tend to feel panicky and want to run. I get that, but I don't get scared. I get the AHH lots of people and within 3 seconds every time it shifts to AHHH PEOPLE... LEAVE ME ALONE in the aggressive don't talk to me way.

Needless to say, I have two friends in the entire continuum. What a surprise.  Social anxiety is not a pleasant experience. It starts with a feeling of being backed against a wall, and then you start to notice that your chest hurts. It feels like you've been punched in the chest and it's difficult to breathe. Often times, I have to leave the room until the noise dies down.  Perhaps for most it has nothing to do with the noise, but the noise somehow makes it worse.  Possibly the fact that it's so loud, and there are people always moving, and it's very chaotic.. I honestly don't know. 

But the reason I'm posting this is to let people know that they're not alone. Even the friends that don't show it have told me they get the same feeling, or something similar.

We live in an age of gamers, of people who are comfortable sitting in front of a computer screen for hours, days at a time, and need less social interaction. Perhaps it's not so strange after all.. That doesn't make it pleasant.

Yeah this was a very randomly put blog, it seemed to suit the subject, if it wasn't held together well enough to understand the point, I'm sorry. :(