So, I have hit 20,000 words as of today :) Kendra has said she will help me with the artwork. At 50,000 words I am going to start a fundraiser on kickstarter.com for it.
Here is the rundown of the costs I'm looking at.
540 for a banner ad on the top of the page of in5d.com, a website Kendra pointed me to. It fits my demographic, so that's not a bad idea. I'm also going to do some CPC (Cost per Click) ads on FB for 3 months. They give you a "daily limit" and a price per click, you get to choose both. I am thinking 10 cents per click, with 10 dollars a day- that's 100 clicks a day.
10 dollars a day times, say, 45 days is 450$. I am also going to self publish 50 actual books. 40 people who donate more than 100$ will get one.
A website for myself as an author will cost 10$. Some costs will go to Kendra for doing art for me and helping with my website.
Anything left over will get funneled into marketing or books.
Here's a rough idea of how the funding will go:
1+ dollars- you get a copy of the ebook.
10+ dollars- you get a mention in the ebook and an ebook
25+ dollars- mention in the ebook, a shout out in my blog, and an ebook
50+- character cameo- your character is seated on a bench or something, and gets a conversation.
100+ gets you a physical book
200+ gets you a physically signed book
300+ maybe custom designed artwork by Kendra
500+ full blown character in my next book
800+ gets you a character in TWO books, a crossover maybe (depending on the stories)
1500+ gets me coming to meet you(in the US) and a photo, meet up, thank you, and if I get famous you have my number :P Hahaha. But seriously, a photo, maybe eat at a restaurant together, and you can come to some awesome event when I'm famous :)
Anything above 250 gets a personal email thank you from me, not copy pasted.
Anything over 500 gets a permanent thank you on my website(in a page dedicated to thanks to people who deserve it)
Again, Corporate Wars is a book set in the future(about 150+ years out) where Corporations own people. In the City the three Corporations are at war with one another, and use people as pawns. If you owe money, they can send you to the Farm for at least a decade. But a Resistance is rising...
^_^ Hey, nothing happens unless you try.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Medical Marijuana/Legalize Marijuana
Notes for the reader: Yes, I have smoked before. No, I have never been a "pothead" though I did self-medicate while at the most stressful point of my life to keep me going. (Social anxiety+retail... ouch) No, I have not smoked in over a year, and am not intending to until Aedric is at least done breastfeeding, and I won't do it around him. I don't smoke a lot, period. I don't like being stoned all the time.
Now, first of all, marijuana is not a "gateway drug". That's blaming a scapegoat, and it's also not a *drug* it's a plant that's gone through a specific drying procedure. I will admit, I don't know how that part works. What I do know though is that it is natural and has been proven to have many, many benefits, and no signs of cancer etc in daily smokers (Up to a joint a day, which is *POTENT*.)
Now, let's get down to business. The war on drugs has thus far this year spent over 15 billion (that's a b... And since we are so used to these dickwads throwing money around, that is $15,500,000,000.00 on the drug war. So. Far. This. Year. Really???) The average rate is about 500 dollars a second.
Over 626,000 people this year have been arrested for drugs. About one every 19 seconds.
Mind you, that's anything from having a joint to selling one, etc.
An American is arrested for cannabis every 30 seconds. Approximately 89% are arrested for possession only.
Seriously? It's a freaking PLANT, people. The drug war in Mexico's been raging for 6 years. The drug cartels even kill government officials, along with anyone that pisses them off, basically.
Did you know that between 49 and 70 people were dumped on a highway 75 miles away from Texas, with their heads, hands and feet cut off? They can't give an exact number until they get the bodies sorted out.
That is fucked. up. Marijuana should be legalized. I don't think people should do drugs, or if they do they should be allowed to do them ONLY where they cannot harm other people. Now, let's see some facts, kay?
-Alcohol impairs your vision and your ability to drive, operate machinery, heightens and confuses the emotional state and tends to mae people more aggressive. A *lot* of people die every year because of drunk drivers. How many die because of Marijuana? If ANY, I bet it's so small it's basically not noticeable.
-Cigarettes kill you. We KNOW it. They're legal at 18. They kill people, and make babies weaker upon birth. They're legal.
-Someone who just smoked a bowl will be usually too lazy to leave the house. If they do, they're just wandering to the store and back, and probably not driving.
I'd go on but I'm sure my point is obvious.
I have a suggestion. Why not end the drug war (since it obviously is not working and is failing horribly) and pump that money into schools so that people know what the drugs do to you? Put the money where your mouth is and educate people.
Legalize Marijauna/Cannabis. It is not bad for you, it has proven abilities to help with pain, with glaucoma, anxiety, depression, insomnia, anorexia, headaches, etc.
I have smoked it. It is amazing. I could be having a panic attack, take a couple hits and nothing. Just.... gone. Not stoned, relaxed.
It boosts creativity, elevates mood, and doesn't hurt people. WTF is wrong with it? Nothing.
If we were to legalize marijauna and same sex marriage, we'd boost the economy beyond measure.
So why doesn't the government want it?
Now, first of all, marijuana is not a "gateway drug". That's blaming a scapegoat, and it's also not a *drug* it's a plant that's gone through a specific drying procedure. I will admit, I don't know how that part works. What I do know though is that it is natural and has been proven to have many, many benefits, and no signs of cancer etc in daily smokers (Up to a joint a day, which is *POTENT*.)
Now, let's get down to business. The war on drugs has thus far this year spent over 15 billion (that's a b... And since we are so used to these dickwads throwing money around, that is $15,500,000,000.00 on the drug war. So. Far. This. Year. Really???) The average rate is about 500 dollars a second.
Over 626,000 people this year have been arrested for drugs. About one every 19 seconds.
Mind you, that's anything from having a joint to selling one, etc.
An American is arrested for cannabis every 30 seconds. Approximately 89% are arrested for possession only.
Seriously? It's a freaking PLANT, people. The drug war in Mexico's been raging for 6 years. The drug cartels even kill government officials, along with anyone that pisses them off, basically.
Did you know that between 49 and 70 people were dumped on a highway 75 miles away from Texas, with their heads, hands and feet cut off? They can't give an exact number until they get the bodies sorted out.
That is fucked. up. Marijuana should be legalized. I don't think people should do drugs, or if they do they should be allowed to do them ONLY where they cannot harm other people. Now, let's see some facts, kay?
-Alcohol impairs your vision and your ability to drive, operate machinery, heightens and confuses the emotional state and tends to mae people more aggressive. A *lot* of people die every year because of drunk drivers. How many die because of Marijuana? If ANY, I bet it's so small it's basically not noticeable.
-Cigarettes kill you. We KNOW it. They're legal at 18. They kill people, and make babies weaker upon birth. They're legal.
-Someone who just smoked a bowl will be usually too lazy to leave the house. If they do, they're just wandering to the store and back, and probably not driving.
I'd go on but I'm sure my point is obvious.
I have a suggestion. Why not end the drug war (since it obviously is not working and is failing horribly) and pump that money into schools so that people know what the drugs do to you? Put the money where your mouth is and educate people.
Legalize Marijauna/Cannabis. It is not bad for you, it has proven abilities to help with pain, with glaucoma, anxiety, depression, insomnia, anorexia, headaches, etc.
I have smoked it. It is amazing. I could be having a panic attack, take a couple hits and nothing. Just.... gone. Not stoned, relaxed.
It boosts creativity, elevates mood, and doesn't hurt people. WTF is wrong with it? Nothing.
If we were to legalize marijauna and same sex marriage, we'd boost the economy beyond measure.
So why doesn't the government want it?
Monday, May 14, 2012
Get a Job!
Oh, my dear, were it only that simple. I've had a lot of judgement put upon me in recent years, from family and I am sure from strangers, about my need to "get a job."
Ignoring the fact that I worked at Wal-Mart for a year(and endured my first personality split, due to an undiagnosed mental condition that repaired itself later...) and had to fight against depression, fury, anxiety and hopelessness. I wanted to move to Portland, so I did. I hadn't had any prior experience in that environment, and barely managed to get into an apartment and get a job. It was for Boost Mobile.
That also failed. This time, because I had a strange thing occur- I felt a stabbing pain in my abdomen and saw pure white. I asked to be allowed to go home, and they ignored me. I quit the next day.
So, enter a cycle of panic, fear, mental illness(mind you neither job gave me health insurance unless I wanted to pay 20$ a week that I couldn't afford.) and moving.
Finally in 2009 I ended up at my dad's back in NY. I got two jobs within a week of each other, Big Lots and Volunteers of America. By far my best job experiences, and it was then that I began to realize the problem resided with me. Let me backtrack a little.
I'm not sure exactly what it is that I have. In school, I remember the idea of being close to other people made me so nervous I crawled under all the desks to grab what I needed and crawled back. Needless to say, I didn't live that down very well.
I just consider it social anxiety. I don't like people. Well, I do. If they're quiet and only talk when I want them to. Even my own husband sends me into anxiety attacks. Anyway, at Wal-Mart I started as an "ICS associate". Aka, I stocked the food during the day because it went off the shelves so fast. I quickly discovered that having too many people in the aisle (one on each end with a shopping cart....) sent me into a feeling of panic. So, I started going to find something to do when I felt trapped.
I don't know what specifically it is, but it's like in my brain there's no escape route. When it happens, I am TRAPPED, I am stuck, there are PEOPLE (which my brain sees as bad) everywhere. I was transferred to the frozen/dairy section(oh..god...) and I hated it. For a while, anyway. I dislike people and that's where they all congregate! So I started going back to the cooler to relax when I needed to. I'd sit there, in the cooler, and pretend to face stuff if anyone came in. I think my boss started to catch on. >_<;
Anyway, I started looking forward to helping with the truck. There was a lady who did the break packs (A lot of the smaller items like health and beauty(NOT makeup), crafts, stationary, pets... the individual crap like dog bones and toys and shit, anyway it all comes in boxes mixed together. So one person takes all of them and organizes them into the proper parts. I liked it at first, until all the guys (They didn't speak english, or pretended they didn't, I'm not really sure..) one day just stacked 150 of them in front of me and KEPT at it, instead of helping. I had such a bad panic attack (Oh dear god so much STUFF... and none of them helped me move any of it to get it out of my way so I could keep being productive...) I had to leave. When my boss came in I was like ;_; I'm taking my second lunch.
It was the day from hell. I had to stay for a total of 12 hours til they were all done, I remember he got pissed at them for not helping me and yelled at one of them to help me, his name was Sergei. This other guy who was like, their ringleader, made some crack about me in spanish and he looked embarrassed. I know it was about me because of the expression -__-
Anyway, I finally got done with it, went home. Eventually I couldn't take it anymore and went on to Overnights, which worked a lot better for me. I did crafts for a while, the manager of crafts loved me :/ I really like order and things looking right so it always looked amazing. I'd put the yarn out first, and the buttons when I could, but they started getting mad at me because I wasn't overstuffing the shelves or putting things in the wrong spot just because the shelf was empty(though something else was supposed to go there..)
They put two girls who didn't speak english in there and the department manager came up to me that same day freaking out asking why everything was messed up. I told her I'd been moved and she tried to get me moved back... nope. So I got shoved around departments a lot for a month or so, I didn't mind, it was new stuff. Then, the remodel was starting. They sent me to the Gardening department, it was toward summer.. They wanted someone to, and I quote, "Make sure the Mexicans weren't going to steal tv's".. yah, serious.
So, I did. Then, right before I quit, they tried to make me lift 400$ grills (that weighed about 100 lb, and needed two strong guys to lift them up) ABOVE MY HEAD. I was like ... I CAN'T. That weighs as much as me.
"Figure it out."
"Can I get help from one of the remodel guys then? They're like, right there."
"No."
-__- So glad I got out of there.
At boost mobile I could handle the idiots better, didn't like it when they flat out told me I couldn't go home even though I was crying and had such bad stomach cramps that day that customers were asking if I was okay.
At Big Lots and Volunteers of America, my anxiety attacks started catching up to me. I hyperventilated at work a few times (I actually liked my jobs, I just got so stressed out between home stuff and work stuff, and people..) and it was just not fun.
I had a small job at Fred Meyer in Nov. of 2010. It lasted a month, because I was treated so badly I had a panic attack and ran out of the store crying. Before my shift even started. When I went back a few days later, to tell her I was quitting, she got snarky and sarcastic with me -_-;
The ONLY job I've not had a problem with was at Northwest Portland Ministries, a food bank for the NW Portland area. It was awesome.
But.. See, the thing is, I can't DO jobs where there's tons of people. Especially customers. I loved the office setting at NWPM. (It's now been renamed something else) The women were TERRIFIC!! They even gave me a baby shower (I teared up...)
So while it seems like its just like "Hey, sign up for a job at McDonalds/Walmart/Target/Big Box #12", it's really not. Not for everyone. I won't go into how much those jobs tear through people. I won't go through all that other crap (unless you guys want me to..)
It's not always easy to just "Get a job". Especially in this economy.
Ignoring the fact that I worked at Wal-Mart for a year(and endured my first personality split, due to an undiagnosed mental condition that repaired itself later...) and had to fight against depression, fury, anxiety and hopelessness. I wanted to move to Portland, so I did. I hadn't had any prior experience in that environment, and barely managed to get into an apartment and get a job. It was for Boost Mobile.
That also failed. This time, because I had a strange thing occur- I felt a stabbing pain in my abdomen and saw pure white. I asked to be allowed to go home, and they ignored me. I quit the next day.
So, enter a cycle of panic, fear, mental illness(mind you neither job gave me health insurance unless I wanted to pay 20$ a week that I couldn't afford.) and moving.
Finally in 2009 I ended up at my dad's back in NY. I got two jobs within a week of each other, Big Lots and Volunteers of America. By far my best job experiences, and it was then that I began to realize the problem resided with me. Let me backtrack a little.
I'm not sure exactly what it is that I have. In school, I remember the idea of being close to other people made me so nervous I crawled under all the desks to grab what I needed and crawled back. Needless to say, I didn't live that down very well.
I just consider it social anxiety. I don't like people. Well, I do. If they're quiet and only talk when I want them to. Even my own husband sends me into anxiety attacks. Anyway, at Wal-Mart I started as an "ICS associate". Aka, I stocked the food during the day because it went off the shelves so fast. I quickly discovered that having too many people in the aisle (one on each end with a shopping cart....) sent me into a feeling of panic. So, I started going to find something to do when I felt trapped.
I don't know what specifically it is, but it's like in my brain there's no escape route. When it happens, I am TRAPPED, I am stuck, there are PEOPLE (which my brain sees as bad) everywhere. I was transferred to the frozen/dairy section(oh..god...) and I hated it. For a while, anyway. I dislike people and that's where they all congregate! So I started going back to the cooler to relax when I needed to. I'd sit there, in the cooler, and pretend to face stuff if anyone came in. I think my boss started to catch on. >_<;
Anyway, I started looking forward to helping with the truck. There was a lady who did the break packs (A lot of the smaller items like health and beauty(NOT makeup), crafts, stationary, pets... the individual crap like dog bones and toys and shit, anyway it all comes in boxes mixed together. So one person takes all of them and organizes them into the proper parts. I liked it at first, until all the guys (They didn't speak english, or pretended they didn't, I'm not really sure..) one day just stacked 150 of them in front of me and KEPT at it, instead of helping. I had such a bad panic attack (Oh dear god so much STUFF... and none of them helped me move any of it to get it out of my way so I could keep being productive...) I had to leave. When my boss came in I was like ;_; I'm taking my second lunch.
It was the day from hell. I had to stay for a total of 12 hours til they were all done, I remember he got pissed at them for not helping me and yelled at one of them to help me, his name was Sergei. This other guy who was like, their ringleader, made some crack about me in spanish and he looked embarrassed. I know it was about me because of the expression -__-
Anyway, I finally got done with it, went home. Eventually I couldn't take it anymore and went on to Overnights, which worked a lot better for me. I did crafts for a while, the manager of crafts loved me :/ I really like order and things looking right so it always looked amazing. I'd put the yarn out first, and the buttons when I could, but they started getting mad at me because I wasn't overstuffing the shelves or putting things in the wrong spot just because the shelf was empty(though something else was supposed to go there..)
They put two girls who didn't speak english in there and the department manager came up to me that same day freaking out asking why everything was messed up. I told her I'd been moved and she tried to get me moved back... nope. So I got shoved around departments a lot for a month or so, I didn't mind, it was new stuff. Then, the remodel was starting. They sent me to the Gardening department, it was toward summer.. They wanted someone to, and I quote, "Make sure the Mexicans weren't going to steal tv's".. yah, serious.
So, I did. Then, right before I quit, they tried to make me lift 400$ grills (that weighed about 100 lb, and needed two strong guys to lift them up) ABOVE MY HEAD. I was like ... I CAN'T. That weighs as much as me.
"Figure it out."
"Can I get help from one of the remodel guys then? They're like, right there."
"No."
-__- So glad I got out of there.
At boost mobile I could handle the idiots better, didn't like it when they flat out told me I couldn't go home even though I was crying and had such bad stomach cramps that day that customers were asking if I was okay.
At Big Lots and Volunteers of America, my anxiety attacks started catching up to me. I hyperventilated at work a few times (I actually liked my jobs, I just got so stressed out between home stuff and work stuff, and people..) and it was just not fun.
I had a small job at Fred Meyer in Nov. of 2010. It lasted a month, because I was treated so badly I had a panic attack and ran out of the store crying. Before my shift even started. When I went back a few days later, to tell her I was quitting, she got snarky and sarcastic with me -_-;
The ONLY job I've not had a problem with was at Northwest Portland Ministries, a food bank for the NW Portland area. It was awesome.
But.. See, the thing is, I can't DO jobs where there's tons of people. Especially customers. I loved the office setting at NWPM. (It's now been renamed something else) The women were TERRIFIC!! They even gave me a baby shower (I teared up...)
So while it seems like its just like "Hey, sign up for a job at McDonalds/Walmart/Target/Big Box #12", it's really not. Not for everyone. I won't go into how much those jobs tear through people. I won't go through all that other crap (unless you guys want me to..)
It's not always easy to just "Get a job". Especially in this economy.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Explaining Me
In some ways, I may seem passive aggressive. I really don't mean to be. I am just that socially terrified. I don't know what to do, so it builds up and builds up and builds up until I cry, or yell. People scare me, especially in situations where there's something they're doing that really bugs me or hurts my feelings. If I trust you enough, I might mention it, and it might come across as nagging. I don't mean to, I just don't know how else to approach it other than keep repeating it, if nothing's being done.
But with everyone else, I just don't know how to. When someone who is staying over does something that upsets me, I shut down And it's stupid little stuff that shouldn't matter to most people, but it really does to me. I believe in fairness, and in certain things that are Mine. It's stupid, I know, and it's OCD, and it's weird, but it really, really, deeply bugs me when someone sits in "My Chair", or drinks a soda of mine without asking. Idk what other people's social rules are... Mine are, if you want something of Mine, ask me for it. Yes, very time. Just because I gave you a soda last time doesnt mean I want to give you one this time. Especially of certain kinds. RC Cola? MINE. I haven't had it in years, and it's perfect. Pepsi has a funny aftertaste, and Coca-Cola is fuckin' gross. It reminds me of my dad, who I haven't seen in two years. He loved RC Cola too.(He's still alive..)
I have candy in the house, and it bugs me when people eat through it... Yes, there's a lot of it.. There's a lot of it because my logic is to buy a large amount at once, and it will last me a month. A bag of Crunch Bars will last me about 3 weeks.. I eat 3-5 a day MAYBE, and either when I want the taste, or when I am so hungry I'm feeling weird. When I'm that hungry I can't think, and I'm more emotional than ever. My logic is kinda messed up right now, I don't know why, but in my brain there are, for lack of a better term, "Rules" that I don't even understand. They're just there.
I can't think of anything to make for breakfast, so I don't. Milk gives me nasty indigestion. Eggs are too much work. Bread gives me heartburn. :/ It's stupid, I know. I'm working on it. When I am that hungry that I can't think, I'll eat one or two to get some sugar in my system and then I deal with my hunger.
I'm really fucking moody. I might suddenly NEED to clean. Other times I might spend all my time on my computer. It's my comfort zone, I hate face to face interactions. I get terrified.
The weirdest part? I don't want to bring shit up, and fundamentally CAN'T because I don't want to hurt people. I guess I figure most people are as sensitive as me, or something.
So, that should explain me a bit better.
But with everyone else, I just don't know how to. When someone who is staying over does something that upsets me, I shut down And it's stupid little stuff that shouldn't matter to most people, but it really does to me. I believe in fairness, and in certain things that are Mine. It's stupid, I know, and it's OCD, and it's weird, but it really, really, deeply bugs me when someone sits in "My Chair", or drinks a soda of mine without asking. Idk what other people's social rules are... Mine are, if you want something of Mine, ask me for it. Yes, very time. Just because I gave you a soda last time doesnt mean I want to give you one this time. Especially of certain kinds. RC Cola? MINE. I haven't had it in years, and it's perfect. Pepsi has a funny aftertaste, and Coca-Cola is fuckin' gross. It reminds me of my dad, who I haven't seen in two years. He loved RC Cola too.(He's still alive..)
I have candy in the house, and it bugs me when people eat through it... Yes, there's a lot of it.. There's a lot of it because my logic is to buy a large amount at once, and it will last me a month. A bag of Crunch Bars will last me about 3 weeks.. I eat 3-5 a day MAYBE, and either when I want the taste, or when I am so hungry I'm feeling weird. When I'm that hungry I can't think, and I'm more emotional than ever. My logic is kinda messed up right now, I don't know why, but in my brain there are, for lack of a better term, "Rules" that I don't even understand. They're just there.
I can't think of anything to make for breakfast, so I don't. Milk gives me nasty indigestion. Eggs are too much work. Bread gives me heartburn. :/ It's stupid, I know. I'm working on it. When I am that hungry that I can't think, I'll eat one or two to get some sugar in my system and then I deal with my hunger.
I'm really fucking moody. I might suddenly NEED to clean. Other times I might spend all my time on my computer. It's my comfort zone, I hate face to face interactions. I get terrified.
The weirdest part? I don't want to bring shit up, and fundamentally CAN'T because I don't want to hurt people. I guess I figure most people are as sensitive as me, or something.
So, that should explain me a bit better.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Education System
Okay, my friend ladybug requested to know my views on the education system. I'll split this into sections, from school, to college, and whatever else comes to mind after that. Keep in mind, I grew up in a small town in upstate NY, and the town was 88% White. The town's name is Canandaigua.
Grade School:
I have had quite a few problems in school, that led to my opinion. I'll list them as I remember.. In about 3rd grade, I was playing on the monkey bars. I slipped, hit my head, and woke up in the nurse's office not remembering who I was. She told me I was faking it and to get back to class. I wandered around trying to find it until someone recognized me. I don't remember anything else.
In second grade, I got banned from the bookshelf for "reading too much". It still irritates me to this day. My dad came in and raised hell. I don't really know how specifically this affected me, aside from the fact that I escaped into books even more, and nearly failed high school because of my escapism. I read during every class under the desk, the more stressed I got. Long story short, that really killed my trust in teachers.
It goes on and on, stuff like that. I was sent to anger management in 7th grade when a new girl came to the school, manipulated all my friends into liking her and then ditching me. Not knowing how to deal with that kind of pain, I wrote "I hate _____" over and over, and one of them went to the counselor acting like she was afraid I was going to kill her -_-
I have memory problems, read one of my past blogs for details. It's an obvious title. Because of this, I couldn't remember my homework. I didn't really know how to work around that issue, and with my dad telling me about how he'd gotten through school on tests(but that was a different time) I didn't really think much of it. Instead of the teachers asking me why I didn't do my homework (one did, and then acted like I was lying when I told her it was memory problems), they just assumed I didn't care enough.
And that's my biggest issue with our "normal" school system. Teachers and counselors don't really try hard enough to figure out things like that. I got detention for crying once in 4th grade because "I wouldn't calm down". The kid who picked on me had NOTHING happen to him. It's hard to respect school when they treat you like that.
They could have asked me what I meant by I didn't remember, instead of assuming it was an excuse. I understand a lot of kids use excuses- not all do. I probably would have done a lot better in school had anyone acted like they gave a damn.
I failed English more than once. Obviously, I'm not stupid. (Whee, minor arrogant moment <3) However, when you give me a class first thing in the morning, I will forget homework even more than later in the day. I finally had to tell them to quit putting classes I do bad in for my first period of the day.
Another problem I had? Bullying. My father smoked a lot, and kids thought I was a drug addict. I have a jaw issue (Long story short, my lower jaw sticks out and my upper jaw is too small and my cheekbones are recessive), and I got picked on for it. One kid in particular I'm not sure I'll ever forget. I've forgiven him, mostly, but it still hurts to remember him sticking his chin out in a parody of my face. Teachers didn't really care or do much about it, I finally had to drop out of science because I couldn't take it anymore.
We need MORE funding in schools, not less. This is the kind of thing that happens when you keep cutting funding. It's also what happens in a society where kids are expected to "toughen up".
College
I have not gone to college yet. One day I may, I'm not sure. I do know I want to go back and do some classes eventually. I have a major problem, though, with how much College is pushed to our youth and in general in our society. Kids in high school are pushed very hard by counselors to go to college.
Please note, I am not ignorant. I am well aware of the benefits of college. However, as an intelligent individual who has been poor her entire life, I'm also well aware of the drawbacks, including amazing amounts of debt, a bad job market, and a weak economy.
Anyway, I actually, perhaps because of my issues with school officials and their way of treating me, took offense to the fact that the counselor was trying to tell me I would never amount to anything because I didn't go to college. They act as though you can only get crappy minimum wage part time jobs. They completely dismiss the idea of working for yourself, of creativity, of forging your own path. Instead they tell you to follow the safe route, basically.
However, because kids are shoved through school so quickly, and not given a chance to really think on what they want to do, many kids who graduate High School and go into college end up being in for longer because they discover they did not want to go for what they were going for. The bills rack up.
Now, I'm not saying don't go to college. This is an opinion of mine based upon my own experience and observations. Some people need college. Some people need the structure, the socializing, etc. Some people are very happy in college. I might be when I go back, who knows. But there are all these ideas we are force-fed, that if we don't go to college NOW, NOW, NOW we never will go. There are still ways to make money without going to college.
Besides, the institution of College is incredibly expensive now, and those who go and get a degree may emerge without a job ready for them.
By all means, go if you want to enrich yourself. I just find it sad that we are taught that's the way of the world, and expected, though in today's age it's not true. I mean, it is expected, but you can be wildly successful without a bachelor's degree.
In short, the government needs to quit pissing our money away on weapons to kill non-white people with, and spend it on education for our children. Just because Republicans want stupid kids so that it's easier for them to be believed in their pathetic lies, that doesn't mean we don't see through it.
As for College- Go *for you* not for anyone else. If you go for anyone else, you won't feel fulfilled .Follow your heart, even if that means going a different direction than others may want for you.
Grade School:
I have had quite a few problems in school, that led to my opinion. I'll list them as I remember.. In about 3rd grade, I was playing on the monkey bars. I slipped, hit my head, and woke up in the nurse's office not remembering who I was. She told me I was faking it and to get back to class. I wandered around trying to find it until someone recognized me. I don't remember anything else.
In second grade, I got banned from the bookshelf for "reading too much". It still irritates me to this day. My dad came in and raised hell. I don't really know how specifically this affected me, aside from the fact that I escaped into books even more, and nearly failed high school because of my escapism. I read during every class under the desk, the more stressed I got. Long story short, that really killed my trust in teachers.
It goes on and on, stuff like that. I was sent to anger management in 7th grade when a new girl came to the school, manipulated all my friends into liking her and then ditching me. Not knowing how to deal with that kind of pain, I wrote "I hate _____" over and over, and one of them went to the counselor acting like she was afraid I was going to kill her -_-
I have memory problems, read one of my past blogs for details. It's an obvious title. Because of this, I couldn't remember my homework. I didn't really know how to work around that issue, and with my dad telling me about how he'd gotten through school on tests(but that was a different time) I didn't really think much of it. Instead of the teachers asking me why I didn't do my homework (one did, and then acted like I was lying when I told her it was memory problems), they just assumed I didn't care enough.
And that's my biggest issue with our "normal" school system. Teachers and counselors don't really try hard enough to figure out things like that. I got detention for crying once in 4th grade because "I wouldn't calm down". The kid who picked on me had NOTHING happen to him. It's hard to respect school when they treat you like that.
They could have asked me what I meant by I didn't remember, instead of assuming it was an excuse. I understand a lot of kids use excuses- not all do. I probably would have done a lot better in school had anyone acted like they gave a damn.
I failed English more than once. Obviously, I'm not stupid. (Whee, minor arrogant moment <3) However, when you give me a class first thing in the morning, I will forget homework even more than later in the day. I finally had to tell them to quit putting classes I do bad in for my first period of the day.
Another problem I had? Bullying. My father smoked a lot, and kids thought I was a drug addict. I have a jaw issue (Long story short, my lower jaw sticks out and my upper jaw is too small and my cheekbones are recessive), and I got picked on for it. One kid in particular I'm not sure I'll ever forget. I've forgiven him, mostly, but it still hurts to remember him sticking his chin out in a parody of my face. Teachers didn't really care or do much about it, I finally had to drop out of science because I couldn't take it anymore.
We need MORE funding in schools, not less. This is the kind of thing that happens when you keep cutting funding. It's also what happens in a society where kids are expected to "toughen up".
College
I have not gone to college yet. One day I may, I'm not sure. I do know I want to go back and do some classes eventually. I have a major problem, though, with how much College is pushed to our youth and in general in our society. Kids in high school are pushed very hard by counselors to go to college.
Please note, I am not ignorant. I am well aware of the benefits of college. However, as an intelligent individual who has been poor her entire life, I'm also well aware of the drawbacks, including amazing amounts of debt, a bad job market, and a weak economy.
Anyway, I actually, perhaps because of my issues with school officials and their way of treating me, took offense to the fact that the counselor was trying to tell me I would never amount to anything because I didn't go to college. They act as though you can only get crappy minimum wage part time jobs. They completely dismiss the idea of working for yourself, of creativity, of forging your own path. Instead they tell you to follow the safe route, basically.
However, because kids are shoved through school so quickly, and not given a chance to really think on what they want to do, many kids who graduate High School and go into college end up being in for longer because they discover they did not want to go for what they were going for. The bills rack up.
Now, I'm not saying don't go to college. This is an opinion of mine based upon my own experience and observations. Some people need college. Some people need the structure, the socializing, etc. Some people are very happy in college. I might be when I go back, who knows. But there are all these ideas we are force-fed, that if we don't go to college NOW, NOW, NOW we never will go. There are still ways to make money without going to college.
Besides, the institution of College is incredibly expensive now, and those who go and get a degree may emerge without a job ready for them.
By all means, go if you want to enrich yourself. I just find it sad that we are taught that's the way of the world, and expected, though in today's age it's not true. I mean, it is expected, but you can be wildly successful without a bachelor's degree.
In short, the government needs to quit pissing our money away on weapons to kill non-white people with, and spend it on education for our children. Just because Republicans want stupid kids so that it's easier for them to be believed in their pathetic lies, that doesn't mean we don't see through it.
As for College- Go *for you* not for anyone else. If you go for anyone else, you won't feel fulfilled .Follow your heart, even if that means going a different direction than others may want for you.
Friday, May 11, 2012
Androgyny: The True Gender
What??? Yes, I know. Hear me out.
I'll start off with the information that is obvious a few posts down. I am asexual, or I identify as such. I have no real attraction to people sexually. By that I mean... none. I have a baby, but that's because it was around our honeymoon phase for my husband and I, and I love him, so.. yeah.
I am attracted to personalities, regardless of what body they inhabit. Not sexually, from a deep level of connect, similar to friends and family spliced. With all that in mind, I'll continue.
I went through a phase (And I call it a phase because that is how my mind works, not because I have no respect for this or think it is for other people) a few years ago, trying to find my identity. I didn't feel right. I felt like I was in the wrong body, or the wrong world, and I just wasn't me, externally. So, I decided to spend some time figuring out who and what I was internally. I used different terms as they came to mind, and I considered myself "Gender Neutral and both simultaneously", and "bisexual". By "bisexual", and I explain this to explain to my truly bisexual friends, I was not attempting to diminish bisexuality, I was just trying to find the proper words.
What I meant was, that I see both genders as beautiful, truly beautiful, equally. In an artistic sort of way. Not actually attracted to them (Boobs are fun to look at, I don't really know why. I mean, I have them, and I still look. It's not intentional, either. I don't really know why I do it, it's just social awkwardness. But what sets me apart from bisexual people is that I am not sexual. So, I have no real interest in their genitalia. I love my husband. Penises look weird. That's pretty much as simple as I can put it. (Vaginas are pretty gross too, but I haven't seen and am not interested in seeing many of those..)
But I'm getting a bit off topic. Now, I will describe how I feel, "gender wise", and explain why I chose that term. I have a book I found today, Androgyny: Toward a new theory of sexuality, by June Singer. I found it at a place I visited in Downtown Portland this morning.
I will paraphrase the part of the introduction I am referring to, as it is fairly wordy. If you are interested, I will type it all up.
Basically, Sheldon S. Hendler said the following. "The purpose June Singer has found for us, she tells us is to become conscious of the way we exist within the cosmic scheme."
To do so, we must explore the grounds of our opinions. We then enter the process of becoming conscious of the many aspects of ourselves, of who we really are and not "who we are supposed to be." In becoming conscious, we become aware of the dualities that have molded us:
Activity/Passivity
Competition/Co-operation
Independence/Dependence
Logic/Intuition
etc
The one duality that seems to be the generator of all the others is that of male-female. Dr. Singer believes the resolution of our dualities, is not to combat between them but to love each for the other, the state of Androgyny.
That's what I'm going to tackle and mention first.
See, what really bugs me (As so, so many things do <3.. Yet I'm actually a very happy person! You wouldn't know it to read this blog :/) is that we have been taught on a subconscious level that one of those is for one gender and one is for the other. Can you guess?
Yep. Left=stereotypical male, right=stereotypical female.
And that's what bugs me the most. I don't WANT to squash myself into those boxes. Our society's expectations of us due to our genitals is absurd at best, devastating at worst. The repercussions can be tremendous.
In high school, I was painfully shy. I had low self esteem, I was passive about everything, and I was unhealthily intuitive (escapism+"intuition" can be a bad combo). In short, I was a different person.
I have worked very hard on myself, because I did not like who I am. I am now more aggressive than passive, at least online. In person, due to my petite size, I don't tend to want to piss people off who could hurt me. Kinda logical, right? I think so, anyway. (Welll, at one point, on Zoloft, I told a drug dealer how much of a worthless piece of shit he was. He threatened to kill me, so I kinda got off that pill real quick.)
I have never really felt like I belonged. As someone who has absolutely no interest in sex, and doesn't understand what the attractiveness is of sticking one's genitals in you, or your genitals in someone else, our world's hypersexuality is very disturbing.
Yes, disturbing. I mean, to me it's sad when a 6 year old boy is kicked out of school for singing a song he doesn't understand, and wiggling his butt. Sexual assault? Really?? I'm not a sexual person but I have been conditioned to see it everywhere. Even hints of it. Bras are designed to push breasts up and put them on display. The typical style is meant to attract the opposite(or same) sex. Everything.
Me? I dress for me. I dress for what makes me feel powerful, happy, good about myself. Around my house, I often just wear my nursing bra and a pair of pants. I breastfeed. *shrug* I love everything from pinstripe suits to dresses, jeans and button up shirts to.... whatever else. I like style, whatever it may be. I love steampunk. I don't love that I'm expected to "look good" i.e. sexy. It annoys me, and I don't care.
Now, here's when I get weird. (ME?? Weird? Nooooooooooo.)
I don't mind being sexy for me. Or for the fun of it. I just don't do it for other people. I don't mind doing it for Jason because it makes him happy. But I really just do it for the aesthetics. Seeing me, I look pretty feminine. I don't tend to wear "masculine" clothes. I do love my pinstripes, though :/ I don't own any right now, but boy, do I. I am at least mentally androgynous. I'm sometimes more stereotypically feminine- passive, etc. I'm sometimes more stereotypically masculine- aloof, aggressive, blunt. I just feel like me, a mixture in between.
Androgyny doesn't necessarily mean binding your breasts and putting on a suit. To me, it's a mental thing.
What is it to you?
If you read my blogs and like my views or the way I write, and am curious about my opinion on a specific topic, please let me know by contacting me on facebook- facebook.com/eternalaraelys, or here.
I'll start off with the information that is obvious a few posts down. I am asexual, or I identify as such. I have no real attraction to people sexually. By that I mean... none. I have a baby, but that's because it was around our honeymoon phase for my husband and I, and I love him, so.. yeah.
I am attracted to personalities, regardless of what body they inhabit. Not sexually, from a deep level of connect, similar to friends and family spliced. With all that in mind, I'll continue.
I went through a phase (And I call it a phase because that is how my mind works, not because I have no respect for this or think it is for other people) a few years ago, trying to find my identity. I didn't feel right. I felt like I was in the wrong body, or the wrong world, and I just wasn't me, externally. So, I decided to spend some time figuring out who and what I was internally. I used different terms as they came to mind, and I considered myself "Gender Neutral and both simultaneously", and "bisexual". By "bisexual", and I explain this to explain to my truly bisexual friends, I was not attempting to diminish bisexuality, I was just trying to find the proper words.
What I meant was, that I see both genders as beautiful, truly beautiful, equally. In an artistic sort of way. Not actually attracted to them (Boobs are fun to look at, I don't really know why. I mean, I have them, and I still look. It's not intentional, either. I don't really know why I do it, it's just social awkwardness. But what sets me apart from bisexual people is that I am not sexual. So, I have no real interest in their genitalia. I love my husband. Penises look weird. That's pretty much as simple as I can put it. (Vaginas are pretty gross too, but I haven't seen and am not interested in seeing many of those..)
But I'm getting a bit off topic. Now, I will describe how I feel, "gender wise", and explain why I chose that term. I have a book I found today, Androgyny: Toward a new theory of sexuality, by June Singer. I found it at a place I visited in Downtown Portland this morning.
I will paraphrase the part of the introduction I am referring to, as it is fairly wordy. If you are interested, I will type it all up.
Basically, Sheldon S. Hendler said the following. "The purpose June Singer has found for us, she tells us is to become conscious of the way we exist within the cosmic scheme."
To do so, we must explore the grounds of our opinions. We then enter the process of becoming conscious of the many aspects of ourselves, of who we really are and not "who we are supposed to be." In becoming conscious, we become aware of the dualities that have molded us:
Activity/Passivity
Competition/Co-operation
Independence/Dependence
Logic/Intuition
etc
The one duality that seems to be the generator of all the others is that of male-female. Dr. Singer believes the resolution of our dualities, is not to combat between them but to love each for the other, the state of Androgyny.
That's what I'm going to tackle and mention first.
See, what really bugs me (As so, so many things do <3.. Yet I'm actually a very happy person! You wouldn't know it to read this blog :/) is that we have been taught on a subconscious level that one of those is for one gender and one is for the other. Can you guess?
Yep. Left=stereotypical male, right=stereotypical female.
And that's what bugs me the most. I don't WANT to squash myself into those boxes. Our society's expectations of us due to our genitals is absurd at best, devastating at worst. The repercussions can be tremendous.
In high school, I was painfully shy. I had low self esteem, I was passive about everything, and I was unhealthily intuitive (escapism+"intuition" can be a bad combo). In short, I was a different person.
I have worked very hard on myself, because I did not like who I am. I am now more aggressive than passive, at least online. In person, due to my petite size, I don't tend to want to piss people off who could hurt me. Kinda logical, right? I think so, anyway. (Welll, at one point, on Zoloft, I told a drug dealer how much of a worthless piece of shit he was. He threatened to kill me, so I kinda got off that pill real quick.)
I have never really felt like I belonged. As someone who has absolutely no interest in sex, and doesn't understand what the attractiveness is of sticking one's genitals in you, or your genitals in someone else, our world's hypersexuality is very disturbing.
Yes, disturbing. I mean, to me it's sad when a 6 year old boy is kicked out of school for singing a song he doesn't understand, and wiggling his butt. Sexual assault? Really?? I'm not a sexual person but I have been conditioned to see it everywhere. Even hints of it. Bras are designed to push breasts up and put them on display. The typical style is meant to attract the opposite(or same) sex. Everything.
Me? I dress for me. I dress for what makes me feel powerful, happy, good about myself. Around my house, I often just wear my nursing bra and a pair of pants. I breastfeed. *shrug* I love everything from pinstripe suits to dresses, jeans and button up shirts to.... whatever else. I like style, whatever it may be. I love steampunk. I don't love that I'm expected to "look good" i.e. sexy. It annoys me, and I don't care.
Now, here's when I get weird. (ME?? Weird? Nooooooooooo.)
I don't mind being sexy for me. Or for the fun of it. I just don't do it for other people. I don't mind doing it for Jason because it makes him happy. But I really just do it for the aesthetics. Seeing me, I look pretty feminine. I don't tend to wear "masculine" clothes. I do love my pinstripes, though :/ I don't own any right now, but boy, do I. I am at least mentally androgynous. I'm sometimes more stereotypically feminine- passive, etc. I'm sometimes more stereotypically masculine- aloof, aggressive, blunt. I just feel like me, a mixture in between.
Androgyny doesn't necessarily mean binding your breasts and putting on a suit. To me, it's a mental thing.
What is it to you?
If you read my blogs and like my views or the way I write, and am curious about my opinion on a specific topic, please let me know by contacting me on facebook- facebook.com/eternalaraelys, or here.
Living without Memories
Sounds weird, right? That's pretty much me. I'm not sure if it's normal or not, I don't feel like it is. Allow me to explain a few things...
In my blogs, if it ever seems like I "stalled out" on a train of thought, something interrupted my focus, and I had to try to reassemble it. To me, it kinda feels like a train going so far off course it somehow went through a building and killed a bunch of people. Needless to say, it's difficult to clamber from that wreckage and find my way back to where I was.
And that's kinda how my memories are, too. I mean, I have minor ones. Itsy-bitsy glimpses of a moment that I don't really remember. Something about living with my Aunt and Uncle in California came to mind, but it's very basic. Nothing strong. I have a general guideline of MAJOR major events. I often even forget that I was raped until it comes to mind due to one of my many trains of thought. I remember little glimpses of my childhood, half buried. Like something about getting knocked out in 3rd grade because I fell off the monkey bars and hit my head. I had a dream of two Jesuses telling me I wasn't ready to leave yet and woke up not remembering where or who I was. Or at least, I think that's what happened. But that's the problem, I don't even know.
I can't really trust my memories for full truth, because of the vast depths of my imagination. I'm not saying anything arrogant by that, either, really.. I mean it. I read books from such a young age that the stories are imbedded in my brain somewhere. So when I tried to remember I had to try to fill gaps to make sense of things that I thought happened.
But day to day, nothing's really going on in my head. I remember shards of conversation, and vastly out of order. Like, I'll remember saying something, or Jason saying something in a conversation, and I will totally, utterly remember it as if it happened yesterday, and it happened a week or two ago. But I won't remember other things. Or I will remember something I said, but not anything from recent conversations. It goes in one ear, out the other, and I wish I could keep them and remember them. It bugs me that I can't. I'm not sure why it happens. I really wish I knew.. It's difficult.
It's part of why, during a time of mental breakdown a few years ago, I even questioned if reality existed or if I was imagining giant portions of my life because it just didn't feel right.
It's honestly terrifying. On the other hand, when I write my stories, I am so there I know everything about the world. It just downloads into my head as soon as the idea does.
But I can't remember what Jason and I spent an hour talking about yesterday afternoon. I know it was an important conversation, and a good one, and we understood each other and we didn't yell, and I know it was about communication and stuff going on, but I simply do not remember anything else.
My mind feels very clear when I eat a lot of vegetables. However, the problem is I automatically go for the meat, because if I don't eat meat I feel very weak, and the pasta to balance out the flavor, and I forget to eat it. I totally forget to eat the vegetables, and I have a ton in the house.
Wanna know something sad? I even forget how long ago I took a shower. When I feel grungy, I take a shower. Little stuff like that.
Don't get me wrong. I don't forget to pay attention to Aedric. I don't forget to change his diapers, and I check the time regularly to make sure I feed him every 2-3 hours. But everything else? Poof. Gone.
I feel like a phantom drifting through life, only anchored by stories I write and hugs from Aedric and Jason.
I forget what my friends look like, what they feel like when I hug them or they are around. I remember a few... but it's rare. And it really, really kills me inside. I don't know why I'm like this. I wish I knew.
Sorry, this one's a bit depressing, I just had to get it out there. I live in the moment because I can't live any other way.
In my blogs, if it ever seems like I "stalled out" on a train of thought, something interrupted my focus, and I had to try to reassemble it. To me, it kinda feels like a train going so far off course it somehow went through a building and killed a bunch of people. Needless to say, it's difficult to clamber from that wreckage and find my way back to where I was.
And that's kinda how my memories are, too. I mean, I have minor ones. Itsy-bitsy glimpses of a moment that I don't really remember. Something about living with my Aunt and Uncle in California came to mind, but it's very basic. Nothing strong. I have a general guideline of MAJOR major events. I often even forget that I was raped until it comes to mind due to one of my many trains of thought. I remember little glimpses of my childhood, half buried. Like something about getting knocked out in 3rd grade because I fell off the monkey bars and hit my head. I had a dream of two Jesuses telling me I wasn't ready to leave yet and woke up not remembering where or who I was. Or at least, I think that's what happened. But that's the problem, I don't even know.
I can't really trust my memories for full truth, because of the vast depths of my imagination. I'm not saying anything arrogant by that, either, really.. I mean it. I read books from such a young age that the stories are imbedded in my brain somewhere. So when I tried to remember I had to try to fill gaps to make sense of things that I thought happened.
But day to day, nothing's really going on in my head. I remember shards of conversation, and vastly out of order. Like, I'll remember saying something, or Jason saying something in a conversation, and I will totally, utterly remember it as if it happened yesterday, and it happened a week or two ago. But I won't remember other things. Or I will remember something I said, but not anything from recent conversations. It goes in one ear, out the other, and I wish I could keep them and remember them. It bugs me that I can't. I'm not sure why it happens. I really wish I knew.. It's difficult.
It's part of why, during a time of mental breakdown a few years ago, I even questioned if reality existed or if I was imagining giant portions of my life because it just didn't feel right.
It's honestly terrifying. On the other hand, when I write my stories, I am so there I know everything about the world. It just downloads into my head as soon as the idea does.
But I can't remember what Jason and I spent an hour talking about yesterday afternoon. I know it was an important conversation, and a good one, and we understood each other and we didn't yell, and I know it was about communication and stuff going on, but I simply do not remember anything else.
My mind feels very clear when I eat a lot of vegetables. However, the problem is I automatically go for the meat, because if I don't eat meat I feel very weak, and the pasta to balance out the flavor, and I forget to eat it. I totally forget to eat the vegetables, and I have a ton in the house.
Wanna know something sad? I even forget how long ago I took a shower. When I feel grungy, I take a shower. Little stuff like that.
Don't get me wrong. I don't forget to pay attention to Aedric. I don't forget to change his diapers, and I check the time regularly to make sure I feed him every 2-3 hours. But everything else? Poof. Gone.
I feel like a phantom drifting through life, only anchored by stories I write and hugs from Aedric and Jason.
I forget what my friends look like, what they feel like when I hug them or they are around. I remember a few... but it's rare. And it really, really kills me inside. I don't know why I'm like this. I wish I knew.
Sorry, this one's a bit depressing, I just had to get it out there. I live in the moment because I can't live any other way.
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