Get a Job!

Oh, my dear, were it only that simple.  I've had a lot of judgement put upon me in recent years, from family and I am sure from strangers, about my need to "get a job."

Ignoring the fact that I worked at Wal-Mart for a year(and endured my first personality split, due to an undiagnosed mental condition that repaired itself later...) and had to fight against depression, fury, anxiety and hopelessness. I wanted to move to Portland, so I did. I hadn't had any prior experience in that environment, and barely managed to get into an apartment and get a job. It was for Boost Mobile.

That also failed. This time, because I had a strange thing occur- I felt a stabbing pain in my abdomen and saw pure white.  I asked to be allowed to go home, and they ignored me. I quit the next day.

So, enter a cycle of panic, fear, mental illness(mind you neither job gave me health insurance unless I wanted to pay 20$ a week that I couldn't afford.) and moving.

Finally in 2009 I ended up at my dad's back in NY. I got two jobs within a week of each other, Big Lots and Volunteers of America. By far my best job experiences, and it was then that I began to realize the problem resided with me.  Let me backtrack a little.


I'm not sure exactly what it is that I have. In school, I remember the idea of being close to other people made me so nervous I crawled under all the desks to grab what I needed and crawled back. Needless to say, I didn't live that down very well.

I just consider it social anxiety. I don't like people. Well, I do. If they're quiet and only talk when I want them to. Even my own husband sends me into anxiety attacks. Anyway, at Wal-Mart I started as an "ICS associate".  Aka, I stocked the food during the day because it went off the shelves so fast. I quickly discovered that having too many people in the aisle (one on each end with a shopping cart....) sent me into a feeling of panic. So, I started going to find something to do when I felt trapped.

I don't know what specifically it is, but it's like in my brain there's no escape route. When it happens, I am TRAPPED, I am stuck, there are PEOPLE (which my brain sees as bad) everywhere. I was transferred to the frozen/dairy section(oh..god...) and I hated it.  For a while, anyway. I dislike people and that's where they all congregate! So I started going back to the cooler to relax when I needed to. I'd sit there, in the cooler, and pretend to face stuff if anyone came in. I think my boss started to catch on. >_<;

Anyway, I started looking forward to helping with the truck. There was a lady who did the break packs (A lot of the smaller items like health and beauty(NOT makeup), crafts, stationary, pets... the individual crap like dog bones and toys and shit, anyway it all comes in boxes mixed together. So one person takes all of them and organizes them into the proper parts. I liked it at first, until all the guys (They didn't speak english, or pretended they didn't, I'm not really sure..) one day just stacked 150 of them in front of me and KEPT at it, instead of helping.  I had such a bad panic attack (Oh dear god so much STUFF... and none of them helped me move any of it to get it out of my way so I could keep being productive...) I had to leave. When my boss came in I was like ;_; I'm taking my second lunch.

It was the day from hell. I had to stay for a total of 12 hours til they were all done, I remember he got pissed at them for not helping me and yelled at one of them to help me, his name was Sergei. This other guy who was like, their ringleader, made some crack about me in spanish and he looked embarrassed. I know it was about me because of the expression -__-

Anyway, I finally got done with it, went home. Eventually I couldn't take it anymore and went on to Overnights, which worked a lot better for me. I did crafts for a while, the manager of crafts loved me :/ I really like order and things looking right so it always looked amazing. I'd put the yarn out first, and the buttons when I could, but they started getting mad at me because I wasn't overstuffing the shelves or putting things in the wrong spot just because the shelf was empty(though something else was supposed to go there..)

They put two girls who didn't speak english in there and the department manager came up to me that same day freaking out asking why everything was messed up. I told her I'd been moved and she tried to get me moved back... nope. So I got shoved around departments a lot for a month or so, I didn't mind, it was new stuff. Then, the remodel was starting. They sent me to the Gardening department, it was toward summer.. They wanted someone to, and I quote, "Make sure the Mexicans weren't going to steal tv's"..  yah, serious.

So, I did. Then, right  before I quit, they tried to make me lift 400$ grills (that weighed about 100 lb, and needed two strong guys to lift them up) ABOVE MY HEAD. I was like ... I CAN'T. That weighs as much as me.

"Figure it out."
"Can I get help from one of the remodel guys then? They're like, right there."
"No."

-__- So glad I got out of there.

At boost mobile I could handle the idiots better, didn't like it when they flat out told me I couldn't go home even though I was crying and had such bad stomach cramps that day that customers were asking if I was okay.

At Big Lots and Volunteers of America, my anxiety attacks started catching up to me. I hyperventilated at work a few times (I actually liked my jobs, I just got so stressed out between home stuff and work stuff, and people..) and it was just not fun.

I had a small job at Fred Meyer in Nov. of 2010. It lasted a month, because I was treated so badly I had a panic attack and ran out of the store crying. Before my shift even started. When I went back a few days later, to tell her I was quitting, she got snarky and sarcastic with me -_-;



The ONLY job I've not had a problem with was at Northwest Portland Ministries, a food bank for the NW Portland area. It was awesome.

But.. See, the thing is, I can't DO jobs where there's tons of people. Especially customers. I loved the office setting at NWPM. (It's now been renamed something else) The women were TERRIFIC!! They even gave me a baby shower (I teared up...)

So while it seems like its just like "Hey, sign up for a job at McDonalds/Walmart/Target/Big Box #12", it's really not. Not for everyone.  I won't go into how much those jobs tear through people. I won't go through all that other crap (unless you guys want me to..)

It's not always easy to just "Get a job". Especially in this economy.