Explaining Me

In some ways, I may seem passive aggressive. I really don't mean to be. I am just that socially terrified. I don't know what to do, so it builds up and builds up and builds up until I cry, or yell.  People scare me, especially in situations where there's something they're doing that really bugs me or hurts my feelings. If I trust you enough, I might mention it, and it might come across as nagging. I don't mean to, I just don't know how else to approach it other than keep repeating it, if nothing's being done.

But with everyone else, I just don't know how to. When someone who is staying over does something that upsets me, I shut down And it's stupid little stuff that shouldn't matter to most people, but it really does to me. I believe in fairness, and in certain things that are Mine.  It's stupid, I know, and it's OCD, and it's weird, but it really, really, deeply bugs me when someone sits in "My Chair", or drinks a soda of mine without asking. Idk what other people's social rules are... Mine are, if you want something of Mine, ask me for it. Yes, very time. Just because I gave you a soda last time doesnt mean I want to give you one this time. Especially of certain kinds. RC Cola? MINE. I haven't had it in years, and it's perfect. Pepsi has a funny aftertaste, and Coca-Cola is fuckin' gross. It reminds me of my dad, who I haven't seen in two years. He loved RC Cola too.(He's still alive..)

I have candy in the house, and it bugs me when people eat through it... Yes, there's a lot of it.. There's a lot of it because my logic is to buy a large amount at once, and it will last me a month. A bag of Crunch Bars will last me about 3 weeks.. I eat 3-5 a day MAYBE, and either when I want the taste, or when I am so hungry I'm feeling weird. When I'm that hungry I can't think, and I'm more emotional than ever. My logic is kinda messed up right now, I don't know why, but in my brain there are, for lack of a better term, "Rules" that I don't even understand. They're just there.

I can't think of anything to make for breakfast, so I don't. Milk gives me nasty indigestion. Eggs are too much work. Bread gives me heartburn. :/ It's stupid, I know. I'm working on it. When I am that hungry that I can't think, I'll eat one or two to get some sugar in my system and then I deal with my hunger.

I'm really fucking moody. I might suddenly NEED to clean. Other times I might spend all my time on my computer. It's my comfort zone, I hate face to face interactions. I get terrified.

The weirdest part? I don't want to bring shit up, and fundamentally CAN'T because I don't want to hurt people. I guess I figure most people are as sensitive as me, or something.

So, that should explain me a bit better.

Social Anxiety Disorder, Undiagnosed

This is something I've struggled with for a long time, put off, ignored, explained away, and just sort of.... tried to survive.  Humans are social creatures, right?  Well, I'm at least partly human. I prefer communicating online for a variety of reasons.  I don't have to try to read facial expressions- I suck at it. Absolutely terrible. I always tend to think people are angry with me, for some reason. I think something's wrong when it's not. Perhaps it's just a set-in fear that I'm doing something wrong, not fitting in. Not meant to be here. I don't belong.

Hell, when people are in the room I shut down so completely now I can't even read to escape them. I convince myself that I can't write because there is something about them

I convince myself that even them talking is just more things backing me into a corner til all I want to do is scream.

In middle and high school, I'd duck and weave through the crowds. I'd avoid people and physical contact as much as possible.

In 10th grade, a science teacher had us go up to the table at the front of the room, and gather papers. The idea panicked me, so what did I do? I crawled under all the desks, shoved my way between two people, grabbed all the papers, and went back to my desk the same way.  Needless to say I didn't have a ton of friends.

I mean, post childbirth I ate hardly anything for two weeks because I am staying at a homeless shelter, about to get in to an apartment.. And one of the rules is you can only eat the food they provide. We're allowed to eat what we want, off site.

Now, here's the problem with that, and my problematic thinking.  I have a newborn. He wakes up at a cricket's sneeze.  The shelter and this day program have approximately 6 families here at any given time, who have no respect for anyone else. Needless to say the kitchen is hectic, noisy, and a garaunteed panic attack. Jason (my husband) has had the food stamp card this month, and if I leave the day shelter (by an elevator) I need someone to open the door for me when I come back, because I can't take the stroller down the stairs.

Last night I took a drug test for the shelter I am staying at. I was having such a panic attack my leg was bouncing so much it looked like I was tweaking out. I had to explain that I was not under any influences, that I was having a panic attack.  I mean, really. This is screwing up my life.

But I don't trust therapists/shrinks/etc, either. So now it's come to the point where I NEED help but I'm afraid of it.

This world is very unfriendly to people with Social Anxiety. :/